Hello fellow podcast listeners and I hope you’ll be ready forever and always because I’m always here to give my thoughts on the latest homework assignment from the At Odds with Wrestling podcast. This year has been dubbed The Year of the Rock by many and that holds true for the Patreon show which will feature our thoughts on the Rock’s best movies throughout 2024. This week we all watched the 2017 R rated action/comedy Baywatch.

I remember Baywatch always being on TV for a few years. Despite my persona, I wasn’t a big fan of the series. My brother would frequently have it on after school but I wanted to watch cartoons or wrestling or some other ridiculous things. I think we all have our favorite kinds of dumb things but find other peoples’ dumb things to actually be dumb. Baywatch is a dumb show with lots of pretty people. Wrestling is also a dumb show with lots of pretty people. I made my choice. That said, I have seen episodes over the years (although I don’t remember any) and I’m well aware of the golden age of Pam Anderson. None of this made me want to seek out this movie but now six almost seven years later, here we are. 

My first thought was, why is this rated R? The show was the biggest in the world at one point and despite lots of people in bathing suits, I expected PG-13 at most. Campy, tongue in cheek, bathing suits in cheeks, but otherwise inoffensive. The F bombs fly with as much frequency and zero need as recent impeachment hearings. This movie also seems to have a lot of China based production companies. Was Baywatch big in China, or is the Rock big over there? 

To be fair, the Rock is big everywhere. The movie opens with him literally sensing danger in the wind. The Rock jumps into action but not as high as the dolphins jump into the sky as the title image bursts on screen. Is this an action movie or a comedy? Well, it’s one thing trying to work outside of its lane. Much like the plot of the movie. One of the dumb things I always thought about the original show, and apparently I’m not the only one, is that these are lifeguards. I went swimming all the time when I was younger. I’ve met plenty of lifeguards. Never once in any of those conversations did I think, this person could solve a crime. The absurdity of the show gets called out throughout the movie, but in a manner that strengthens it. Hey, if the lifeguards wait for the police to show up then other people may have died in the meantime. Alright, I can roll with this, it’s Good Samaritan logic just over inflated much like the Rock’s pecs. 

The cast all are named after classic Baywatch characters, with the Rock being Mitch. Which is odd because this movie takes place in the Baywatch universe and original Mitch exists. Weird that there would be two hero lifeguards with the same name. 

The Rock meets his people during a run along the beach and he’s mayor of the beach. Which is better than being the mayor of Knoxville County. Rock has an exchange with a surfer that includes subtitles and is maybe the most clever joke in the movie. The Rock finds drugs washed up on the beach and that will be one of our plots moving forward. 

The other plot is that it’s try out day to be a lifeguard. Usually there’s only one spot but as if there’s a movie being made, there are three spots available this time. Ronnie is overweight but trying, which is what I put on my Tinder profile. He has a crush on this version of CJ, which was Pam Anderson but is played here by Kelly Rohrbach. Now while Kelly does not fill the screen like Pam, she has her own well rounded talents that are sure to captivate her own group of fans. Ronnie is excited to see CJ, but more, apparently a lot more, on that later. Our other main candidates for the team are Summer (Alexandra Daddario) who is gorgeous and I feel does not get enough to do in this movie to really show off. Finally, Brody (Zac Effron) a former Olympic gold medalist who has gone downhill, or downstream, fast. Brody is being forced on the team, and we start to get hints that city officials might be out for themselves. I wonder if it has anything to do with the drugs. 

There’s only one more big member to introduce and that’s Ronnie’s dick. Ronnie eats a hot dog but starts to choke when CJ runs by. CJ comes up from behind and gives him the heimleich maneuver, thrusting her body into his. He chokes up the hot dog but maybe should have choked up the bat a bit too because he has a massive erection thanks to her. Ronnie doesn’t want to embarrass himself so he dives onto a beach chair and accidentally catches his dick and balls in between wooden slats. We get a few close ups of his predicament and I predict Ronnie will be a great addition to the lifeguards because his dick can act as a rudder when he swims. At this point I said to myself, what the fuck am I watching, and paused the movie to discover only 15 minutes have passed. 

Meanwhile, this ridiculously hot woman is manipulating a city councilman and you know she’s the main villain of the movie. Victoria (Priyanka Chopra Jonas) is way too hot to be slumming it with beach crimes. She should be seducing married world leaders and getting paid in classified documents and off shore accounts. At least she got the off shore part right. I’m going to go through all of Victoria’s plot here because it really doesn’t matter. She’s here to be the villain because there has to be some sort of antagonist to the movie. The movie is about hot people in bathing suits, dick jokes, and oh yeah maybe there should be a story at some point too. Victoria is trying to buy up all the land so she can make the beach private and sell everything off. She bribes, seduces, and murders city councilmen along the way until the Baywatch crew can solve the mysteries of the drugs, the murders, kidnapping, bribes, and whatever other crimes happen along the way. Maybe Victoria’s dresses are a crime because they’re definitely breaking laws of physics. How do they stay up? The good guys figure it out, go after Victoria and her goons, and save the day in the end. But let’s get back to ridiculous things happening on the beach. 

Brody is impulsive and selfish and kind of a shitty dude, which is a well worn movie trope. He’s going to be at his worst at the end of act two but that’s when he’ll come back and get the team together and be the leader he was always meant to be. Two kids and their mom fall off a pier and Brody risks more than three lives trying to save them. Granted, the bribed city officials are against Baywatch because that’s Victoria’s plan but if they didn’t have so damn many ATVs and watercraft and multiple obstacle courses on the beach maybe some of the budget would be left to hire more staff. Or buy some plot. 

For the next hour of the movie it’s all about who wants to fuck who and will they. Ronnie and CJ at least have some chemistry and he brings hope to fat guys like us everywhere. Brody stares at Summer’s boobs and she calls him out for it. That is embarrassing. If I had a nipple for every time I’ve been caught looking. Brody is still a shitty person so there’s no good reason she should be going for him when she could be with someone who will treat her so much better. But enough about my thoughts for every pretty girl in high school’s dating habits. Finally we have the Rock and Brody just flirting and trying to impress each other. I thought seeing Zac Effron’s bulge in tighty whiteys full screen in The Iron Claw would be the most homoerotic cinematic moment for Zac’s pack that I would see in 2024, but here comes Baywatch. 

Hey, there’s some saving to be done. Thankfully Rocks are heavy and he sinks into the water to swim below the fire so he can rescue some high girls in bikinis. Brody doesn’t have the bulk and now he has to be rescued as well. Summer must be looking for a project boyfriend that she can fix. Now that Zac’s sack is spitting up water let’s go back to Ronnie’s ding dong which CJ says hello to. Ronnie showers naked at Baywatch HQ and apparently didn’t realize he’s the only one who went fully nude. CJ likes what she sees, meanwhile I put a towel over my boxers when I’m changing in Planet Fitness. 

The gang infiltrates Victoria’s party and Brody fucks up once again. The Rock is searching for clues and is almost caught but he kisses Stephanie to evade suspicion. Oh, who’s Stephanie? Hey, remember on the original Baywatch one lifeguard was very small chested compared to the rest of the cast? That was Stephanie. Still great looking, but not as popular as the big boob blonde girls. Who is Stephanie in this movie? A super hot black woman (Ilfenesh Hadera), but also the only black woman on the team. So Stephanie is always the just as hot one that doesn’t get the attention she deserves because one of these things is not like the other. 

Anyways, Brody fucks up, isn’t there for the team, gets drunk, throws up, and somehow the next day decides to turn over a new leaf and be a good guy. I would say a scene is missing here but the movie is already two hours long. Brody just seems to want to do better but there’s no inspiration for the turn. The only logical reason is because he wants Summer, which is not a noble reason. I’ll be a good person because I want to have sex with this girl and she’ll only sleep with me if she thinks I’m a good person. Cue the hero music! 

And there’s nothing more heroic than tricking co-workers into fondling a dead dick. Brody and the Rock are on the same side now, yet when they sneak into the coroner’s office to check the body and autopsy report for the dead city councilman, it’s a great time to check the body for needle marks. Specifically under the taint. I do wonder if this was a prop dick or a real dick. Either way, the Rock goes even further and takes a picture of Brody holding the late fool’s mating tool. Now, doing police work and destruction of public property aside, tricking your co-worker, and your subordinate, into touching a dick and then filming it has got to be an HR nightmare. There’s no need for Victoria to manipulate in the background, the Rock is going to get fired all on his own. 

I feel like the movie couldn’t possibly get any more ridiculous than this scene so the next few minutes of the henchmen coming in, the heroes hiding in the morgue lockers, juices of the deceased (dibs on death metal band name) dripping on Brody and the subsequent chase and fights left me exhausted because I kept throwing my hands up in the air asking what in the hell is this movie? 

Again, as if the Rock needs a reason to be fired, during all of this time investigating crimes which is not a lifeguard’s job, Tower 1 is unattended. People could be dying on the beach because the Rock is busy with his phallic fallacy of thinking he can do police work. It doesn’t matter who’s on the take, the Rock is fucking up all on his own. We want Cody. I mean, the town decides we want Brody and puts him in charge of the lifeguards once the Rock gets fired. Rock starts selling phones and how much time has passed? Brody and the team act like it’s the next day but to apply for jobs, be interviewed, get hired, trained, and on the floor takes weeks. Maybe the Rock’s father’s former tag team partner taught him how to sell a phone. It’s okay though because the Rock’s mentor Mitch shows up to help snap him out of his fired funk. The Hoff is here. He looks like shit, but maybe the events of the last few years have him floored. 

Brody starts taking things seriously and tries to do what Rock would do. He fights sand grifters and then learns from the villains much like Mega Man then takes their weapons for his own gain. Brody steals documents from the police and gets a plan together for the team to get on Victoria’s boat during a party so they can take her down. I’m assuming some of these drugs are leaking into the water and causing delusions of grandeur. 

The finale of the movie has so much happen so fast I’m thinking the editor realized he only had ten minutes left of TV time. The team infiltrates the boat. Brody gets caught and dumped overboard but Summer, no it’s the Rock, rescues him in time. Ronnie is the tech guy but CJ is falling for his big joystick. The team rescues a landowner that Victoria was going to kill. Then to finish it all off, let’s earn that R rating with some violence too. Rock gets shot but shoots himself up with some sea urchin venom. Brody almost fucks it all up one last time. Ronnie gets all the fireworks to go off. Rock shoots a firework at Victoria that literally blows her into pieces. The only reason they’re going to get away with all of this is they have proof the other city guy is corrupt and the businessman is telling the police that Victoria kidnapped him. Because if not for that this becomes a legendary true crime story of a group of lifeguards that terrorized a town and committed multiple murders. Yay for a happy ending. 

And speaking of a happy ending, Ronnie wakes up on the couch and apparently had a hell of a night with CJ. Although not good enough to sleep in the same bed as her. Next time buddy. Or maybe she got up first to cook eggs in her tiniest of underwear. You know, like all women do for their men. 

The team all gets together and the three trainees are now official members of the team. Oh and welcome a former Baywatch member, Casey Jean as we slow motion into credits. Something about that Casey Jean. I don’t know why but it makes me want to rewatch the first four minutes of the unrated version of Barb Wire. 

This is a perfect movie… for a fourteen year old boy. Pretty girls, raunchy jokes, explosions, no thinking necessary. Fourteen year olds who also technically can’t go see R rated movies even though that’s exactly who it is for. A much better and funnier sarcastic take on Baywatch can be seen in the cult comedy show, Son of the Beach.