Once again we gather together to latch on to the At Odds with Wrestling podcast as I share my opinions on the weekly homework assignment hours before they record their own thoughts. This week as part of the Year of the Rock, we watched The Game Plan. 

About five minutes into the movie, I said it’s terrible. That was overly harsh and too quick to judge. It is a PG Disney movie that clocks in at under two hours. It does exactly what it is supposed to do: tell an over the top story for a grade school audience. And it does that job very well. The movie has some amusing things for parents, but that’s only there so adults don’t feel they completely wasted their time. 

The Rock is a selfish star pro football player who finds out he has an 8 year old daughter when she shows up at his door. There is silliness, there is confusion, there are secrets, there are dramatic moments, and it all comes together in the end. 

The movie has me conflicted. I could easily pick it apart and mock many different moments, and I might. However, the movie wasn’t made for me. This is akin to when I get upset over a review of a super hero movie that starts out with “I normally hate these types of movies and do my best to avoid them.” Then why are you the one reviewing the movie?! Chances are I’m going to have more in common with the movie reviewer for Entertainment Weekly than the one for The Wall Street Journal (I know, but I’m trying to make a bigger point here and that’s the best opposite I can come up with right now), so guess which one holds more sway with me? Likewise, if an 8 or 10 year old loves this movie, then that’s who it is for. 

Also, I’m trying to be less negative about things. I love comics and wrestling, and a lot of people who are not fans of either, dump all over both. So why would I as a fan contribute to said dumping? 

The Rock is a jerk. The daughter is all attitude but cute enough to get away with it. There’s parties, and money, and cars, and pretty dresses, and funny adults that act like kids. This would be hitting every childhood checklist I had when I was younger. Even the dresses. Law, and paperwork, and adults making good decisions doesn’t exist because it doesn’t have to. More so, it doesn’t exist for a kid. A kid wants a dog and thinks a dog exists the next day and everything is perfect. A kid doesn’t understand taking care of the dog, food, vet bills, whether pets are allowed at the residence or in the neighborhood. All of the adult stuff. In the same way, sure this little girl can just lie to everyone and show up at her estranged father’s house, be in the press, travel across state lines, have international calling plans nearly 20 years ago – and yet somehow the only time court or lawyer is mentioned is in the last 10 minutes of the movie. 

Again though, it’s not that kind of movie. The point is she found her daddy and created a new family and isn’t that wonderful. She got a whole team of mean tough football players to soften. There’s even an entire B plot about ballet! Rich dad, hot future step-mom ballet teacher, big penthouse. Everyone sings Elvis songs and goes home happy. 

But as an adult, there is just no way it all works out so seamlessly. Okay, there is, Rock’s character has enough money to just throw that at agents and lawyers and any other problems until it goes away. Money aside, there are still consequences for actions. Kidnapping and child endangerment charges aplenty. A substantial breach of contract lawsuit against the Rock for failing to promote the fast food chain after his victory. He’s a glory hound that suddenly in one moment becomes a team player and expects that to erase years of selfishness. If someone is an asshole Monday through Saturday and is nice on Sunday, I don’t think he’s changed, I think he feels sick at the start of the week and will be right back to his asshole self come tomorrow. Most unbelievable of all – how is a ridiculously attractive ballet dancer with her own successful private school still single?! Just waiting for the right self centered egotistical moderately successful himbo to come along? I’m right here! I mean, there are other good options already available to her if she just took the chance. 

To make a third side to this triangle of over interpretation, there is a meta aspect to this movie as well. The Rock wants all the glory, all the titles, all the main events for himself. He tries to do something noble like get his daughter involved in his sports world. Or graciously gives Cody, I mean his receiver the ball. Then he wants all of his flowers and accolades for doing the right thing in the end, ignoring the damage that came before. “It’s about the journey, not the destination.” Well, I’m glad we finished the story with a happy ending but it’s one person’s fault that the road we took that journey down is full of potholes. 

Sure, everything about the Rock is big. But this movie would be great as a Sunday night Wide World of Disney movie on ABC. I paused the movie three or four times because I needed a break. That sounds like a perfect movie to have commercials every 10-15 minutes. Let me walk away, go to the bathroom, grab a snack, look at my phone, and then come back until I need another break. Any kids would be having a blast, and in this structured format I think I would have enjoyed it more as well.