Once again the fine hosts of the At Odds with Wrestling podcast have assigned each other a classic event from the past and I sat here to watch along. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen this event before, if I have I blocked it from my memory. This is one of the most absurd wrestling shows I’ve ever seen. I was trying to think of the best word to use to sum up my feelings on this show. Absurd may be the best, but there is so much to talk about so let’s get right into the action.

Well, not quite right into it because the version of the event that I watched included the pre-show. There were no pre-show matches. Just a lot of Mean Gene hyping up the matches and doing some interviews. 

We’re live at the Cow Palace in San Francisco, California. Good crowd, lots of excited fans and their signs. WCW graphics are of a dial up internet quality. The main event competitors are here and hey, look, the United States title makes an appearance. Not a defense, but an appearance. “Security is at an all time high.” They are guarding the doors to make sure tonight’s main event isn’t compromised. Well, hopefully they give lots of time for such an important match. The recaps don’t make me want to spend money, but the Ric Flair/Terry Funk package actually did a good job showcasing their history. Mean Gene, Mike Tenay, and Tony Schiavone bounce around interviewing various wrestlers backstage. It’s actually a bit fun though because they seemed more relaxed for a pre show interview. Casual Lex Luger sounds more interesting and threatening than the usual loud wrestling promo. Casual Elizabeth looks great. There’s a ton of campers backstage. Was this what the wrestlers used before they bought private buses? Who will we see tonight? Will it be Hulk Hogan, Hollywood Hogan, or some combination of the two? “All three.” That is the third option! All three is not option number four. I’m sure I won’t hear anything else stupid tonight. Mean Gene interviews Sid Vicious in front of the crowd and I think this is the first time the fans have seen or heard anything all night. Jeff Jarrett says he will unveil part one of his plan in 15 minutes. 

Let’s jump ahead 15 minutes then and get to the main show, sponsored by Snickers. Because this show is full of nuts. 

“Read Toyfare.” I couldn’t agree with this sign any more. 

Mean Gene is outside of Kevin Nash’s office, but due to the events on Thunder, Kevin’s not there. Jeff Jarrett, the Harris Brothers, and the nWo ladies come out. Jarrett says he’s in charge tonight because Nash isn’t there and the first thing he’s doing is allowing the Harris Brothers to be at ringside. Gene is flummoxed by the ladies, and who can blame him? 

Lash LeRoux vs The Artist formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (with Paisley). 

This is the final for the vacant Cruiserweight title. 

“The Ayatollah of Cajun Creole-ah” . I’m convinced Mark Madden is only there to entertain one person backstage. See how many inside stupid jokes he can sneak into the show. For an audience of one. And then he asks why Paisley isn’t showing more cleavage, because it’s a PPV. I guess Lash hears this and smacks Paisley on the butt. She kicks him for it and we’re off to a great start. There’s a Tree of Woe spot that looks more like Toni Storm’s hip attack done to an upside down opponent. The Artist grabs the referee’s crotch to save himself from being flipped over. You know, a bisexual Goldust type version of the Artist could have been interesting. Or he could have grabbed onto Paisley, who gets up on the apron and just stays there for way too long. The Artist has a hook overhead belly to belly suplex thing that looked really good. Lash needs a lot of help. Again, why is Paisley on the apron? Paisley finally moves and yells from the ringsteps instead. Finally, Paisley does something and holds the Artist so Lash crashes his top rope hurracanrana attempt. So that’s why she was standing up there forever. The Artist hits something for the pin. I’m already rolling my eyes and missing things. Paisley crawls towards the new champ and shockingly Madden doesn’t say anything. 

Norman Smiley gets his ribs taped up because of his recent match against the Wall. Mean Gene interviews Brian Knobbs. “I got a secret, I learn from my mistakes.” What a pearl of wisdom from Knobbs. Put that one on a coffee mug for the office. 

There is a “Private. Keep Out” sign on a room and that will be shown throughout the evening. 

Bam Bam Bigelow (WCW Hardcore champion) vs Brian Knobbs. 

There’s a trash can full of plunder waiting at ringside. Knobbs comes out to the nasty version of “My Sharona”. Knobbs distracts Bam, so Finlay can come out, so Finlay can distract Bam, so Knobbs can attack Bam. What in the convoluted mess is this? The walk and brawl goes into the WCW.com set and then through carefully pre-planned spots in the arena including a random table set up with one bottle of ketchup. Finlay is helping but Knobbs wants to do it himself. Is this a child learning how to ride a bike? Dad! Dad let go! I can do it myself Dad! I’m not expecting either of these guys is improving much here. The fight comes back to ringside. “Whoever makes tables is making a good living by WCW.” Yet another over paid talent. That’s why the company isn’t around today. Knobbs gets reversed and goes through the table he set up. That will teach him. Madden gets called out for already repeating lines. Damn, he’s making friends on the air! Bigelow hits Greetings from Asbury Park then stalls. He slowly climbs the ropes for no reason, and throws a chair at Finlay. Knobbs is back up and crotches Bigelow on the top rope then Bigelow falls all the way down to the floor. Knobbs runs out and pins Bigelow on the floor. 

Well thankfully that will be the only odd occurrence in any match tonight. 

Ric Flair, Total Package, and Elizabeth talk backstage. 

Security is shown at all the doors. “No one gets in or out.” I hope these three private dressing rooms have private bathrooms as well. WCW wouldn’t want anything to happen that could cause a match to not take place as announced. That would be a bad look for them. 

3 Count comes out and says they’re not going to sing, they’re going to kick some ass. Sure. Why not start something different. 

3 Count vs “Screaming” Norman Smiley. 

Norman flips Shannon Moore over the top and both onto and past the other two members of 3 Count on the floor. Now we’re getting dangerous. In the ring, Shane Helms turns his head just in time to avoid breaking his neck. Norman hits a Big Swing on Shane and both men are dizzy. Norman locks on the Norman Conquest on Shannon but the other two members break it up. There’s now a triple attack. Shannon Moore (the smallest one) puts Norman into a Boston Crab type thing (Norman, bigger than Shane Helms who is the biggest member of 3 Count) and Smiley taps out. Probably as a cumulative pain from this match and the beating The Wall gave him. Norman taps out and the referees check on his well being after the match. 

Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers try to see who is behind the private door. 

The Demon vs The Wall. 

This is called a “special main event”. That must be a requested detail in the KISS contract. The Wall sneak attacks Demon while he’s making his entrance. The Demon has a great look to him. Hits a good dropkick too. I think there could have been something to this gimmick if anyone gave a shit. The Wall “catches” the Demon (if you can call it that) and drops Demon across the top rope. Demon sends the Wall off the top rope and we have our second almost broken neck spot of the night. The Demon goes up but the Wall catches him with a chokeslam for the pin. 

I guess we should be thankful this was short. 

Mean Gene interviews Ernest Miller and we continue this James Brown charade. 

The Harris Brothers can’t get into a locked door. Well, they are probably the type to believe in strong walls and borders. 

The UFC jacket is on a pole. Is Tank tall enough to reach this? 

Tank Abbot vs Big Al in a “Skins Match”. 

This match starts out confusing. Tank and Al are trying to tie their right hands together with a belt. That sounds like it should be its own match. This does eliminate Tank’s punching arm though. They punch each other with their left hands instead, and it gets stiff pretty quick. Big Al gets rocked by a left. Al hits Tank with a forearm, which not only knocks Tank down but also loosens the belt off of both men. Al positions Tank likes he’s going to hurt him but doesn’t crotch him into the post. Instead, Al gets back into the ring and stands on Tank’s face. Tank takes this like a champ like his name is Tony Atlas and then finally gets back up. Tank hits Al with a big right hand to knock his former bodyguard down. Now they’re just swinging at each other. Tank tosses Al over in maybe the only hold of this match. Tank climbs the ropes with Al across his shoulders, which would have been a great feat of strength, except Al then falls off and crashes onto the apron, the steps, and finally the ground. Tank jumps off the ropes, down to the floor, and punches Al once just for the hell of it. Then Tank gets back in the ring to where he just was, and climbs up a bit more to grab the bottom of the jacket to get the win. Tank then throws the jacket to the ground where Al is laying. Sure, that shows the importance of your “skin”. Tank then joins Al on the ground and – PULLS OUT A FUCKING KNIFE! Seriously, Tank pulls out a knife and puts it to Al’s neck. Tank starts to threaten Al and the camera pulls away then focuses on the fans so fast. What was the ECW match? Taz vs Tajiri with the barbed wire? Anyways, this screams WCW almost gets dumped off PPV. The announcers try to spin this. “He pulled out scissors.” No he didn’t. “To cut Al’s hair.” What hair?! “To cut his beard.” There’s not enough beard to cut. Razor? Yes. Scissors? No. 

Mean Gene interviews Harlem Heat 2000. Well, mostly Stevie Ray. 

Big T (with Stevie Ray and J Biggs) vs Booker

This match is for the rights to Harlem Heat and the letter T. 

Madden might be the first person in history to use verbal cultural appropriation. There is word that someone from Booker’s past will appear tonight. I hope it’s the MGs. “They’ll hold the titles soon, I’m sure.” Oh yeah. Just think of all the tag matches they’ve had already. Big T is in and his whole body moves like Matt Hardy’s knees. Madden actually gets one witty line in, “the Booker is involved, blame him.” Oh, what a loose cannon. I feel like everyone in the ring and ring side is covering up for Big T’s handicaps. Booker punches J Biggs off the apron. Booker hits the Book End. He then hits a side kick on Stevie. Booker with a heat seeker off the top. Booker goes for the pin and, the lights go out! The lights go out! There’s a very big dude standing on the ring apron when the lights come back on. Big T hits a “Big T bomb” for the pin. I like calling this guy “Bigger T” but he’s actually the former 4×4 from the No Limit Soldiers and will soon be called Cassius. Also, a better name than Harlem Heat 2000 would have definitely been the Scales of Justice – 300, 350, and 400 pounds. That’s some heavy justice. 

Mean Gene is in the back with the Maestro and Symphony. Stro challenges Ernest Miller. The Harris Bros. have some guy with keys but he fumbles with them so they beat him up. I mean, the keys would still work even if this guy is beaten up. Is he the key master? Is one of the nWo ladies the gate keeper? 

Billy Kidman (with Torrie Wilson) vs Vampiro. 

Nice new outfit on Torrie. Go spend that PPV money. Kidman is up on Vampiro’s shoulders and they both go over the top. A brawl to the floor and then back in the ring quick. Madden gets chewed out, “Vampiro, not Vamp, and I don’t want to tell you again.” There’s a backstage conversation we all missed. Tony directs the cameramen and I can’t really blame him. Torrie is on the apron and Kidman bumps her off. Kidman goes to the floor to check on her and Vampiro takes advantage. Torrie tries to take a chair away from Vampiro and then Kidman uses the same chair on Vamp. I’m sorry, Vampiro. There are a lot of over booked spots in this match. I feel bad for the fan that brought the “I thought this was WWF” sign. Maybe next time you’ll see something enjoyable. For all of the over booked spots, none of them have mattered. “In one year these two will fight for the US title, in two years the World.” Now that’s an interesting what if WCW survived scenario. I’ll go out and say if WCW kept going I could have seen Kidman as under dog baby face World champion. Kidman hits this crazy spinning neck breaker from the top to get the pin. Wow, what a move but also what a huge margain of error that exists for it too. We could have had our third almost broken neck of the night. 

Mean Gene interviews Terry Funk and Dustin Rhodes just stands there. Sid wants to talk to Gene. David Flair and Crowbar push Daffney on a stretcher. Mean Gene interviews the Mamalukes and Disco Inferno. 

David Flair and Crowbar (with Daffney) vs the Mamalukes (WCW tag team champions) (with Disco Inferno).

In a Sicilian stretcher match! 

Disco joins for commentary, so we’re going to just ignore most of that for this match. Crowbar starts off hot and dives over the top, splashing Johnny the Bull on the stretcher. Daffney with a hurracarana! She also sprays Disco in the eyes. Performance of the night! Really though, she was awesome. This is better than the hardcore title match already (but doesn’t end that well). Crowbar is very under rated and carries everyone along in this match. Johnny with a one leap jump to the top turnbuckle and then a leg drop off of there. The Mamalukes tape Flair onto a stretcher and… the referees wheel him out? What in the hell? Shouldn’t a participant in the match wheel their opponent away from ringside? Johnny just attacks Crowbar then deadlifts him onto the table. Vito off the top and puts Crowbar through the table. The ring bell dings? What is happening? The announcers say Daffney rang the bell. Maybe, but I’m also starting to think this match is running long and they’re trying to get the wrestlers’ attention to finish it. The Mamalukes very slowly tape Crowbar onto a stretcher. Vito pushes the stretcher a little and then abandons it for a wheelchair. Oh, they tape Daffney to the wheelchair. Between her screams and Madden’s commentary this gets to be uncomfortable. The referees wheel Crowbar all the way out. Disco wheels Daffney out which gives the Mamalukes, who pushed no one out of the ringside area, the win. What in the hell with this match? 

Jeff Jarrett talks to the Harris Brothers about the locked door. Meanwhile, Mean Gene talks to Sid. 

Ernest Miller comes out and does more of his James Brown is my best friend shtick. Not James Brown comes out to dance. This brings out the Maestro and Symphony to expose this charlatan. There’s a promo back and forth that ends with ‘Stro saying “says who” and from the heavens we hear “says me”. A giant dance troupe comes out. One of them is a little late but she finds her spot. Then an even bigger entourage comes out with the actual James Brown in the middle. ‘Stro faints, which is odd because in theory this isn’t his kind of music. Madden with, “funky like a, I can’t say that I already got in trouble once.” Was he going to get in trouble for using someone else’s line or for making a monkey reference when a Black entertainer is about to come out? Hey Mark Madden, save the racism for Hulk Hogan. He’ll be out shortly. The Cat and James Brown hug, then they both dance, and that’s it. Well, I’m sure that was worth every penny for the Godfather of Soul plus his 40 person traveling group. 

Mean Gene interviews Scott Hall, then Ric Flair in another location. Hey kids, get your WCW collectors bear! 

Terry Funk (with Dustin Rhodes) vs Ric Flair in a Texas Death Match. 

Either man will have a 10 count, not a 30 count to get back up. Which makes the match “even more brutal”. Yeah, I’m sure that’s why it’s a ten count. Funk’s father had a 4 hour death match. I don’t believe this. I can’t fathom fans going to see one match, no matter how violent, go for four hours. It’s funny, Flair is considered old here but we’ve seen him so much older that now he looks good in 2000. This is like greatest hits Flair and I love it. Funk pins Flair on the floor and Flair is up before the 10 count, which took 30 actual seconds anyways. They fight on the floor. The announcers point out the hush of the crowd. I love the spins these guys are making tonight. Funk taps out quick to Flair’s figure four, which makes a lot of sense in this type of match. Side note, 30 minutes left in the show and there’s still two big matches after this one. Funk piledrives Flair on the floor. Funk hits a second pile driver that was meant for the floor but got the mat instead. Funk pins Flair then Funk brings a table into the ring. Funk hits Flair with the microphone and tries to get Flair to quit. Funk piledrives Flair through the table in the ring. What a spot. Did Funk raise Flair’s own hand at the two count? Funk brings in a second table. Funk then lays on Flair for a two count for no real reason. I’m shocked there’s no blood in this match. Flair is off the table. Flair hits Funk and Funk falls backwards through a table. Flair pins Funk but both men are down. I swear the referee speeds up his count from 7-10. I would say both men are equally up but the match is called for Flair as the winner. Flair walks away and I again wonder if we’re rushing PPV time. Oh hey, remember Dustin was out there too? Get that paycheck. 

We see the private door again. 

Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart. Hogan once again threatens to break Liz. And this isn’t the worst thing you’ll read in the world of wrestling today! 

There’s 27 minutes left for two main event matches, so lets’s bring out Michael Buffer and long entrances! 

Total Package (with Elizabeth) vs Hulk Hogan (in an arm cast). 

Lex jumps Hogan right away. “Hogan doesn’t cheat.” Hulkamania was all about a face using heel tactics. The t-shirt choke, the eye poke, he always cheated. “What persona will we see?” Again, these aren’t personas! There’s no three faces of Terry. Remember fans, this PPV is on Pacific time which means everyone had to be at the arena at 10AM but Lex was up before anyone. And look at where all that chicken and rice got him later in life. Lex punches Hogan’s cast which gives Hulk an advantage. “Usually Hogan’s in the supporting cast, now he’s using one.” Okay, that was good. Liz hits Hogan with a bat and then he chases her, which just allows Lex to attack Hulk. They brawl outside which is the moment Jimmy Hart comes out to take the bat away from Liz. Back in the ring, Lex is off the ropes and Hart his Lex with a cast then Hogan hits Lex with his cast followed up by a big leg drop for the pin. Hogan starts to hit Lex with his weight belt. Flair runs in to attack Hogan and Hart as well. Sting, sorry STING! Runs out to help Hogan. This feels like a non return, but here we are. 

Scott Hall and Sid Vicious leave their dressing rooms. Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers leave the nWo girls. The private door is open and we’re told neither Sting nor James Brown were in there. Well good because there’s two chairs in the room and not much else. Michael Buffer is back and there’s 12 minutes left of this show. 

Jarrett out first, then Hall, and they start the match right away. Screw you Sid! Sid makes his way out and there’s 8 minutes left. Sid takes out four people right away. He’s not paid by the hour, folks! The Harris Brothers crotch Sid on the ring post and we’re reminded there’s no DQ in a three way match. This ref bump was so obvious. Why is a ref bump necessary when the match is no DQ? Oh, that’s why. We get two counts and then four referees are taken out. This means the last referee is Mark Johnson, who we know is partial to Jarrett. Hall covers Jeff and Mark gets a cramp in his arm before he can hit the three count. Jarrett hits Hall with a guitar. It looks like Jarrett will win, but the last referee – a returning Roddy Piper fresh off elbow surgery from the looks of it – comes down the aisle. Oh, it was him sitting all alone in a room all night. Sid hits a choke slam. Sid power bombs Hall. Piper counts the three for Sid and Sid retains the title. 

What a batshit event. I think WCW almost lost PPV twice during this show. Once for violence, and again for going over time. There’s a couple people trying very hard but it’s not the writers or anyone in charge. We’ve all worked at places where you know your boss doesn’t give a shit, so why should you? I’m sure everything will course correct in time for next month’s PPV.