@FamousPlewa #HashtagHorror The Keep is on!

@REGALSAYS: Having never heard of this movie before I really looked forward to it when I heard Ian McKellen and Gabriel Byrne were in it. Also you can’t go wrong with demons and Nazi’s, right?

Wrong!

While it looked ok in the first 20 mins or so it just became painful and confusing. Random sex scenes, cheesy 80’s music and why wouldn’t the Nazi’s just call it quits and just move out the damn keep?!

1 star out of 4. Magneto has had better days.

It’s from 1983, I know not to expect stellar graphics. I know not to expect superior sound. But let’s be honest, movies in the 70’s had better special effects.

 

@Kristoffrable Oh yes, can’t forget the score provided by Tangerine Dream…who the fuck were they again #HashtagHorror

@JoeBewickThe opening sequence is so original! #HashtagHorror

@RhiannamatorDidn’t Tangerine Dream do the music for Legend? #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Scott Glenn. As remembered from his role in Silence of the Lambs amongst others.

@TheSupremeForceIs this American Ninja? #HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Where are the knife wielding squirrels?

@Jotunthrash666 Villagers look like extras from Borat #HashtagHorror

At this point we are fifteen minutes in. I have no clue what is going on. There are nazis. And glowing crosses on the wall. The only thing I do actually know is that the line, “No one has died here, ever,” means someone is going to die there.

@jotunthrash666 Best accents since Hackman in A Bridge Too Far DERP#HashtagHorror

@JoeBewickDo ya reckon that this guy’s gonna die? #HashtagHorror

@KristoffrableNote that silver doesn’t glow like that…EVER! #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror running from the light like a bad Joel Schumacher superhero movie…

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Glowing silver sounds like Godzilla

@RhiannamatorDon’t stay the night, don’t touch the crosses, & don’t pry the walls open. Nazis are such rebels. #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror I’d pay good money to hear Booker T live commentate this movie.

@JoeBewick I’m sorry, were we supposed to feel sorry for those NAZIS?#HashtagHorror

@RhiannamatorNow they’ve triggered fog machines. SEE WHAT HAPPENS?#HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Every song in this movie is going into my Fave Five… songs from this movie.

@JoeBewick Are we SUPPOSED to be understanding this? #HashtagHorror

@Rhiannamator Wait.. is there a reason they’re shooting villagers? Oh right, Nazis.#HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable I can’t believe I bought this movie used on VHS. I guess my love for@fpaulwilson is that deep, in the keep! #HashtagHorror

 

This is where we hit the 30 minute mark. Wow is this an awful movie because I have no clue what is going on. At all. Except that there’s Gabriel Byrne! Okay, at least I have some eye can- oh, he’s an evil nazi. Of course he is.

@TheSupremeForce #HashtagHorror Those Nazis sure do love their hostages.

@Kristoffrable One of Ian McKellan’s first movies and he still looks old!#HashtagHorror

@jotunthrash666 It’s Mike Knox!!! #Beardy #HashtagHorror

@JoeBewick HOLY SHIT IT’S EDDIE ALVEREZ FROM THE UNUSALS AS A NAZI!#HashtagHorror #LoneWolf

@Rhiannamator Apparently the author of the book has publicly disowned this movie.#HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Scott Glenn with his home made Men in Black Neurolyzer in his eyes.

@Jotunthrash666 Scott Glenn looking very fashionable – did ya mum knit that sweater!!#HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Less talking, more brain eating. There’s more face eating in Florida.

@Kristoffrable “Eva wastes her youth.” I’m wasting mine watching this!#HashtagHorror

@Rhiannamator Did he just say God should have put the human soul in a desk, like a street car? #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa #HashtagHorror Good makeup job on Magneto here.

@Kristoffrable I love Eva’s mullet, it almost looks like a coon skin cap.#HashtagHorror

 

45 minutes into the movie and we get to the part that is meant to make us hate the nazis… even more that is as they try to rape Eva. (She’s the only female around, if they had had choices she would never have made the list). Then she is knocked out as the “demon” appears while her would-be rapists are perfectly fine… until their heads explode.

@Kristoffrable Wait is that scary music or the generator? #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Mind = Blown

@JoeBewick Seriously? The fuck? #HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable Wow, who knew that demons like Rasalom aren’t into rape? That’s a new concept #HashtagHorror

@Rhiannamator That guy needs to cut back on the Marlboros. #HashtagHorror

@JoeBewick James Cameron eat your fucking heart out… #HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce #HashtagHorror Neon Bitchslap!

@FamousPlewa #HashtagHorror Gotta love the outrageous 80’s special effects.

@Rhiannamator McKellan is trying so hard to sound old that he’s unintelligible. So, he matches the rest of the movie. #HashtagHorror

@jotunthrash666 This is clown shoes #HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable Did he just say “It touched my butt?” That’s kind of weird for the Marlboro man! #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror You’d think the Nazi’s would just move out.

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror I’m out of popcorn.

@JoeBewick Where the holy hell did this romance just appear from?!#HashtagHorror

 

Yes, one hour into the movie and the demon, in human form, gets it on with Eva. This is only relatively a day or so after she was nearly raped. At least in the movie. Hey, I’m all for demon love, but this is ridiculous. Plus, he’s such a wussy demon.

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Is she demon slumming?

@JoeBewick Ah, that’s the ‘Yoga’ sex position. #HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable Did he just play with one of her Jerry Curls? That was weird#HashtagHorror

@jotunthrash666 Boobs!!!! #HashtagHorror

@JoeBewick That makes the Watchmen sex scene look like art… #HashtagHorror

@jotunthrash666 One of the worst films…..what the in the name of satan’s portion is going on?!?!?! #HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable Wow, I didn’t realize before that Skeletor was in this! Maybe the keep is really Castle Greyskull! #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa #HashtagHorror So he needs to feast on humans like The Mummy?

@JoeBewick AWWW THAT DOGGY IS SO CUTE! #HashtagHorror

@jotunthrash666 Monster looks like something from biology textbook at school#HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Is the person who wrote this script also responsible for Immortals?

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror “To become my lover.”

@jotunthrash666 The bug that just landed on my nose is scarier than this#HashtagHorror #ShitMyPants

 

We’ve reached the hour and fifteen minute mark. Just going through this again to arrange it all is driving me slowly insane. This movie is so slow and seems to have no real point to it. Every fifteen minutes something else is happening that has nothing to do with the last fifteen minutes.

@Rhiannamator This is like, 3 different movies all mashed together in one incomprehensible mess. #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror This is why you need Bruce Campbell on your side when battling demons or zombies.

@Rhiannamator Noooo…RT @TheSupremeForce: #HashtagHorror Next week: The Keep 2: Keep Killing Nazis

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Best scene yet! Ian’s powerwalk set to equally epic music.

 

@KristoffrablePretty sure the Ian McKellan power walk scene should be translated to real life. He should walk like that everywhere! #HashtagHorror

 

An hour and a half into the movie, that means we only have five minutes to go. Even through twitter you can feel the people holding their breath, waiting for this movie to END.

@JoeBewick  ‘I shall kill him with the power of static electricity’ #HashtagHorror

@Rhiannamator 80’s special effects are special. #HashtagHorror

@jotunthrash666 I’m more relieved too see the end of this than Wrestlemania 27 #HashtagHorror

@Rhiannamator Scott Glenn is having a seizure from exposure to too much bright flashing lights. #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa #HashtagHorror And you wonder why the book author said this movie bastardised his book.

@Kristoffrable Damn the way those villagers inadvertently used the demon to kill those Nazis like third party cookies on your computer! #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa #HashtagHorror well I enjoyed that for its sheer camp 80’s tone. But it was downright awful!

@Rhiannamator Hold up.. after the disjointed soundtrack permeating the rest of the movie, there’s no music over the credits? #HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable Yeah folks, you can thank me for this movie! Please read the book though, it’s way better. Explore the world of @fpaulwilson#HashtagHorror