The above picture is way more bad ass than I actually am, but I had to throw it in there. One because it comprises a lot of my interests, but two, it makes people think I’m the most kick ass laundry do-er in history. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking douche bag here, but bear with me. Have you ever received a nickname you didn’t want, and years later still loathe it more than anything? Yeah, that’s me. Granted there were people who have cool fucking nicknames, one of my good friends’ is known as “Bundy,” after Al Bundy from Married with Children. Honestly, I’ve forgotten ton’s of them because they were a hell of a lot cooler than mine, but I digress, the top 4 nicknames I loathe more than Justin Beiber!

4. “Bumble Bee Tuna”

Everybody knows the film that this name quotes, but the back story is kind of mind numbing. A number of years back I used to work in a hardware store, and one year my father purchased a new winter jacket, inside was a removable vest. The jacket’s color was black and yellow, the vest…you get the drift. I showed up one day wearing the vest and a fellow employee, known as “Squeak” said something that ended with “Bumble Bee Tuna” and from then on I was dubbed. My new job finds me working with the same individual again, while not in the same department, the name still appears from time to time.

3. “Rubbertoe”

This nickname comes via my uncle who told it in joke form, a very racist joke form. In short: “What’s a Mexican with rubber toes?” “Rubbertoe!” I’ve heard this joke more times than I care to and every time I do, which is every time I see my uncle, I die a little inside. Granted I’m named after my grandfather, God rest his soul, and this joke makes me think “hopefully, I’ll see you soon papa.” I’ll never shake this name, but whatever, I don’t see my family that often.

2. “Spalding”

This one is the most embarrassing nickname I’ve been given and those that have seen Caddy Shack, know how much of an asshat Spalding was. My first time at camp with my uncles and cousins led to some of the most “dumb” moments of my life, topped off with the trip I made to get water for cooking. I’ve put a lot of this night out of my memory, but the disadvantage to family is that they’re always there to help you relive your blunders.

1. “Chobe”

This is the name that has stuck with me the longest, given to me by my friend Brian Gardener, in middle school. I bore this thing with pride and joy. Years later I associate it with my obesity, but it really was a name that I didn’t understand at the time, no one really did, like a kid who flashes a shocker without knowing it’s meaning. Little did I know that there is a national park that bears it’s name in Botswana, toating one of Africa’s largest concentrations of game. Is this associated with me? No, fun fact I guess. Though I rarely hear it, every now and then someone will throw it out there, I hate it, but I’ll never be able to shake it. Sadly, my legacy.