This week’s assignment from the League of Extraordinary Bloggers is a March Madness type bracket to crown the ultimate bad ass.  Let’s look at the League’s official wording of this week’s assignment and of course the bracket:

Imagine that these tough guys are airdropped into an abandoned city full of convicts, and only one can escape. Fill it out, or just write the play-by-play and let the world know who you think would win this ultimate cage match.

 

I’ll start at the top left and work my way through each round of badassery. I’ll put my winner in bold.

1st Round!

Bruce Lee vs. John McLane

Bruce Lee, while living was the baddest man on the planet.  He was also one of the smartest, most innovative, ground breaking men in history.  John McLane is just a guy that wants to help out his wife.  Bruce can avoid bullets.  McLane cannot avoid the fists of fury.  Especially with feet full of broken glass.

John Rambo vs. Dirty Harry

Rambo has been tortured, beaten and left for dead many times.  He is adept at more things than a gun.  He is also physically stronger than Dirty Harry.  Rambo could be more covert and play even dirtier than Harry.

Col. James Braddock vs. Jason Bourne

For those of you who don’t know, Braddock is Chuck Norris as seen in the Missing in Action movie series.  I wont cause the internet to explode by going against Chuck Norris.  However, Bourne is moving on.  My reasoning is that Bourne can be covert.  Braddock could be dead before he even knows there’s a fight.  Bourne would see Braddock and know that he is a threat and must be neutralized.  Whereas Braddock would see Bourne and think he is an all American kid.  This oversight will be his undoing.

Snake Plissken vs. The Transporter

Duh.  Snake for the win.  Drive a car all you want Jason Statham but only Kurt Russel can escape from both New York and LA.  RusselMania is running wild brother!

James Bond vs. John Conner

How is this even a contest?  No matter which John Conner we’re talking about, Bond wins.  Every John Conner makes poor decisions, has doubts, fucks up, and yes eventually saves the day.  But that doesn’t put him anywhere near Bond.

Indiana Jones vs. Dominic Toretto

Cool and Collected flat out said Dominic is on here so Vin Diesel can be on here.  At first I was going to count every Diesel character within this question.  But then I see Rambo AND Rocky are on this list.  So, I can only take the works of Dominic into account.  Those works being some fists and some car driving.  Both things that Indiana  Jones has shown multiple times that he can handle and defeat.  Plus Doctor Jones is used to punching skinheads.  (Aw, Kevin no!)

Rocky Balboa vs. Sgt Martin Riggs

Rocky is getting too old for this shit.

Ash Williams  vs. Jack Bauer

Love 24 all you want, the boom stick destroys all.  I cant see any situation, natural or supernatural, where Jack pulls out the win.

 

Wow!  That was exhausting.  And its only the first round.  Here are the next round’s fights:

Bruce Lee vs. John Rambo

Jason Bourne vs. Snake Plissken

James Bond vs. Indiana Jones

Sgt Martin Riggs vs Ash Williams

 

Alright, figure out who you want to win.  I’ll give you a picture as a break.  Here’s a cool and related to the article picture:

Oh good, you’re back.  Lets get to the next battle:

Bruce Lee vs. John Rambo

While I said earlier that Rambo could be sneakier than his opponent I see no way he could out smart Bruce Lee.  Mentally, I’m booking some of these matches in the following way:  They meet, square off, stalemate, go home to regroup and come up with a plan, and a climactic second battle.  In this booking, Bruce Lee sees everything Rambo has to offer and comes up with counters for every threat.  Exploding arrows wont save you now!

Jason Bourne vs. Snake Plissken

You know the legend that many of the martial arts were created as a way for oppressed people to fight back.  They disguised their fighting techniques as dance, or implemented their farm tools into weapons.  Snake has gone through World War III and been locked up in multiple prisons.  These environments are perfect for developing a new martial art.  One that Bourne has never seen before.  Snake will know some fighting technique that Jason cant stop.

James Bond vs. Indiana Jones

Doctor Jones is frozen in fear because Bond looks so much like his father, but younger.  There is no fight.  Jones merely steps aside.

Sgt Martin Riggs vs. Ash Williams

Ghosts, zombies and all sorts of evil spirits come at Ash.  Then they see Riggs.  Turns out each one of these beings were Jews while living and will have their revenge against Mel Gibson.

WOW!  These battles are crazy.  Lets take a breather and move on to the next round.

Final Four!!!

Bruce Lee vs. Snake Plissken

As mentioned above, Snake might be a student of a new martial art.  However, Bruce Lee would be the creator of a new martial art.  Its tough to fight that which has never before existed.

James Bond vs. Ash Williams

Bond seems so damn charming, and, you know, human that Ash lets his guard down.  They talk, have a couple drinks and James Bond asks to see the boomstick.  He then takes the butt and smashes it under Ash’s chin, knocking him out.

Wow!  This has been tough.  We are down to the final round!

Bruce Lee vs. James Bond

As The Dragon Lives Again (Deadly Hands of Kung Fu) taught us, when people die and go to hell they turn evil.  Except Bruce Lee.  Bruce tries to open up his own gym but Bond isn’t letting him have it.  Sure, they don’t look like they do while alive, and both sides need help in this battle, but in the end Bruce Lee prevails.