Here’s a fun experiment.  Record Impact Wrestling, then see how fast you can make your way through it.  I’m shooting for twenty minutes or under.

 

Eric Bischoff is served with legal documents and Law and Order: TNA begins!

Speaking of TNA, ODB is beating up an under dressed Velvet Sky.  Lee South takes a beating too!  Cameo appearances rule!  This is actually a pretty nasty fight.  ODB thinks Velvet is a whore and only whores keep their jobs in TNA (or Impact wrestling, seriously can someone clarify the name change?).  Good thing ODB never got to WWE, or she would have to be beating up whores for the next twenty years just to get though them all.  ODB lets no one, not even the security stand in her way.  Velvet sees an opening and tries for a comeback but the brawl continues.  If the cameramen aren’t careful, that’s not the only openings we’re going to see.  ODB strips Velvet of her shirt and its now a bikini fight.  TNA finally realized that Velvet is popular and the fans might want to see her fight and do so in skimpy attire.  Great job TNA, you finally found out that sex sells!  Next we’ll teach you about plot and story.  Miss Tessmacher comes to Velvet’s aid, but after ODB had already walked away.

Anderson-Sting cuts a promo.  Bischoff verbally buries Brian Kendick.  Robert Roode is injured, Eric tries to strip Beer Money of the tag titles but Alex Shelly (who is also without a partner) agrees to take Roode’s place.  Are we done with two segments of talking now?

Matt Hardy vs. Crimson

Half an hour in and we have an official match!  Matt heels his way through the match, stalling, walking out, subtle cheating.  Even all of this isn’t enough for the newly pushed and undefeated Crimson to fall.  Crimson hits Sky High, his finisher, for the pin.  Samoa Joe comes out to sneak attack Crimson, but one punch is all it takes to keep Joe away.  Well, that’s an excellent push for Joe.

Mr Anderson and Eric Young talk, Winter gives a pep speech to the drugged up Angelina Love and can we have wrestling matter on this show?

Miss Tessmacher vs Angelina Love (with Winter)

Miss, or is it Ms, is doing far better in the ring than she should be.  Angelina has added a touch of the Undertaker to her current possessed gimmick.  She no sells moves and is a bit more methodical than her usual style.  Its a real nice touch and I think eventually she’ll be recognized as a great wrestler.  Tessmacher sets up for a victory roll, but takes far too much time celebrating the set up and Love reverses it with an electric chair.  Angelina drops Ms Tessmacher across her knees and knocks her out for the pin.  Love beats up Ms Miss some more after the match, and Winter of course encourages it.  Good match and this gimmick is still fun.

Mr Anderson vs Eric Young

Its really Anderson-Sting vs Eric Muto.  The Great Young?  The Not So Great Muta?  Keiji Young-o?  Anyways, its a battle of the face painted tributes here.  Eric gets too into the gimmick and wrestles surprisingly well.  That is, compared to how he has been wrestling lately, he’s certianly talented enough.  Muta-Young hits a moonsault and its time for Gunner to come out and distract everyone.  Anderson is due to get the win, as he is higher in ranking.  At least that’s what one would think.  The Great Eric spits the green mist in Anderson’s face!  Eric Young pins Mr Anderson.  Gunner and Anderson smack Eric around until the real Sting makes the save.

Kazarian vs. Brian Kendrick.  Number One Contender match for the X Division championship.

Oh, hello, I’ve seen you remember that the X Division exists.  About time, TNA.  Very good match between the two.  Its almost like they were dared or threatened before the match.  Every move is crisp and there is not one moment where either man goes half ass.  Both men exchange punches and elbows until even the audience is left loopy.  Kendrick ends the battle with a stiff kick to Kazarian’s face.  Brian goes for Sliced Bread but Kaz stuffs it and answers with a neckbreaker of his own.  Kendrick kicks out to the shock of all.  Brian fights out of Kazarian’s finisher and responds with a superkick.  Kendrick goes for a frog splash but Kaz gets his knees up then knocks Brian out of the ring with a Shining Wizard.  Insane match.  Each wrestler tries for quick roll ups, doing anything to get a victory.  The roll ups cause Brian to roll right out of the ring, and right then the bell rings.

The referee declares the match a draw, possibly due to a time limit expiration.  Earl gets on the headset with Eric Bischoff and the match gets an extra five minutes.

This match continues and it starts with the somewhat refreshed combatants trading punches and then cracking heads.  Abyss comes out and attacks both men.  The referee doesn’t call for the bell, or try with any sort of force to get Abyss out of the ring.  Abyss destroys both men, then quotes Sun Tzu.  You know, like you do.  Oh, and the match is just thrown out at this point.  The number one bad guy in all of TNA is the OverBooker.

AJ Styles vs. Bully Ray never takes place because Ray refuses to wrestle.  Well that was captivating.

Scott Steiner and Jeff Jarrett (with Karen Jarrett) vs. Kurt Angle and Matt Morgan

Karen immediately gets booted out of the ringside area, so her walking down and back gobbled up 3 minutes of precious TV time.  Whole lot of guys getting paid much more than they should be.  Oh for the love of… Kurt is fighting Jeff on the ramp, Karen comes out and attacks Kurt.  They all fight backstage, and this is a perfect time for the camera to go to the ring.  You know, where a match is taking place.  Scott hits something on Morgan and gets the pin.  By the time the camera returns to the love triangle story that no one ever asked for, Karen is at the bottom of a flight of stairs and hurt.  TNA is where balance matters.  This angle might have now crossed over into my list of things in wrestling I refuse to watch.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out and read legal papers, because every single wrestling fan tunes into Impact for exciting courtroom drama.  Mick Foley has been fired by the network.  Less than a month since he was put into the storyline role.  TNA, where long term booking doesn’t matter.