For those that know me, this isn’t a secret, but for those of you who may have not picked up on it yet, I am damn near constantly riddled with anxiety. Every day I fear that negative things will happen to me. This is some sort of deeply rooted issue and no matter how many positive voices or examples there might be it doesn’t go away. This is some sort of coping mechanism of course, but that doesn’t mean I can stop it. I get all worked up and worried and I wait until I can go home and be safe and inside for the evening. And that worked for a good portion of my life. Well, it didn’t actually work but I could pretend it did and that facade stayed up pretty well.

Then today I had one of those awakening moments and started to examine what I’m doing wrong. See, today is Monday. And next Monday will start a new day at work. Between those two days I have a trip with friends and it will for sure be a good time. Yet all I thought today was oh in a week that trip will be over and I’ll be back to regular life. I have already written off a trip that has yet to happen. I’ve mentally ended it before it began. Why do I do this?

Well, I think I tricked my brain into protecting me from anything bad so well I ended up protecting myself from anything good as well. Just get through this work shift, get through this obligation, get through this thing, it’s only a couple hours, and then I can go home and hide from the world. Now reverse it. This time with friends will end, this trip will end, the things we’re going to do can’t last forever. Then it’s back home to what may not be the life I desire but it is what is familiar.

I protected myself from life so well, I lost the ability to have anticipation and excitement in the moment. I need to download an update patch and reset my head, but how does one actually do such a thing in real life?

There is an extroverted, more confident version of myself that comes out behind a screen. I wonder if that alternative has anxiety. If I can flip that switch in real life it could create a textbook “fake it until you make it” experience. Maybe that guy can have a lot of fun this weekend and teach the inner voice of doubt that there is a better way.