Its only Tuesday and I’m able to sit down and watch Raw!  This hasn’t happened in forever.  I really need a work schedule that better accommodates my desire to watch wrestling and read comics.

 

(Guess who’s back?!  Its Smarked for Death!)

Paul Heyman starts the show in the ring and makes the announcement that this will be the last time we see him in a WWE ring.  Many have tried to accomplish that already Paul.  Don’t think it will take place this time either.  Heyman lists his many accomplishments and its tough to argue with any of it.  He led ECW to change the wrestling industry.  He cultured Brock Lesnar into the main event superstar that he is now.  He rose CM Punk up to become the longest reigning WWE champion in over 25 years.  These are all true.  Heyman then warns of the Sword of Damacles overhead that will hit Punk.  Paul’s sins will only harm CM Punk.  Its a great speech with enough valid and true points.

 

(Paul Heyman makes fart noises in your direction.)

Heyman quits and says its to save his best friend CM Punk.  Well what could more could be said to bring out that friend?  Punk comes to the ring and refuses to let Paul quit.  He says the fans love him and there are loads of Paul Heyman guys out there.  Which isn’t true based on the amount of boos Paul is getting.  Punk says this is all a bad dream and after Sunday it goes back to reality.  The reality of CM Punk as champion with Paul by his side.  Then they embrace.  On the surface its a friend wanting what is best for his friend.  Its a champion wanting back his title.  There isn’t anything that should be heelish about it.  And yet its one of the most heel segments you’ll see all year.  Then that hug.  Punk’s eyes, which are kind of squinty and sunk in to begin with, appear evil.  Were they merely squeezed to an odd angle because of Paul’s shoulder pressed against them in the hug?  Or is it a sign of things to come?

Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali (with Hornswoggle and Natalya).

Natalya has been wearing some horrible outfits lately but she looks fantastic tonight.  Talk about a talent that deserves more.

A healthy Mark Henry is a dangerous Mark Henry.  He has been injured so often that you forget just how strong he can be.  Manhandling the Indian giant.  Picking him up with ease.  Its the ease of which he could pick up Hornswoggle.  Oops, I think I spoke too soon.  Not only does Henry destroy Khali, he then hits the World’s Strongest Slam on Hornswoggle as well.  I have to admit, I was wondering if he would hit it on Natalya as well.

Chris Jericho wants in the Elimination Chamber match.  I’m all for that.  Booker T wants him to earn it.  Well, he did just come back at the Rumble so I suppose its fair that he should earn it.  Booker puts Jericho in a match with Daniel Bryan later tonight.  That could be fantastic.

Paul Heyman tries to get Vickie Guerrero to add a stipulation to the WWE title match on Sunday.  However the voice of God, or Vince McMahon on the phone, chimes in.  Paul wants the title to change if the Rock is counted out or disqualified.  Hmmm…. I wonder if Paul will have the Shield come down, attack CM Punk, and thus get the Rock DQ’ed.

You know what would be great about this Fandango gimmick?  If he was accompanied by Stacy Kiebler.  If they’re going to rip off Dancing with the Stars go all the way with it.

Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho.

I wrote on last week’s show that Bryan and Rey should have been given more time to really put on a good match.  This match makes my point.  It was incredible.  Back and forth, counters for counters.  These two men wrestled like they had fought each other hundreds of times.  The only time Michael Cole brought up was Bryan’s NXT match against Jericho.  If the two of them only fought that one time, it makes this match even more impressive.  One hell of a battle that should go on both men’s best of sets.  Probably match of the week too.

 

The Justice League of Super-Cenas holds their annual meeting.

3MB vs. Sheamus, Ryback and John Cena.  The three main event stars there each get their own entrance so I’ll be back in 20 minutes.

This was a glorified squash match.  I think the difference between a 1980s WWF Superstars squash match and today is that these guys have entrance music and action figures.  There was never any question how this was going to turn out.  All three super heroes hit finishers and destroy 3MB.  Then they cut a promo about destroying the Shield in the Elimination Chamber.  Hopefully Shield looks strong tonight too or else this is going to be a disappointing cage match.

 

Alex Riley cameo!  Collect them all!  Word up!

Alex Riley on Raw?!  When the hell was the last time Riley was on Raw?  Well when was the last time Yoshi Tatsu was on Raw either?  Big Show runs in and punches them both out.

Big Show comes out for an interview but punches out Matt Striker instead.  Show holds back his words because none of them would have been good nor appropriate to say on a family friendly show.

Jack Swagger comes out with…. Dutch Mantell?!  Or as they’re calling him Zebeciah Coulter?  Sure that’s a nice call back to when Dutch was managing Justin Hawk Bradshaw.  But what in the hell?  Why change the name of a legend?  This is Chainsaw Charlie all over again.  Jack Swagger shows off his new drive and new focus by destroying Zack Ryder.  Swagger wins, very decisively, with the Patriot Act.

Zeb cuts a promo after and it looks like we’re going with the proud American who hates immigrants angle.  This could be very interesting.  Controversial for damn sure.  Leads to an easy feud with Antonio Cesaro though.

Booker T announces that Jack Swagger is now in the Chamber match.  Dolph Ziggler shows up with his entourage and says that he now wants in to the Chamber too.  Booker gives Dolph a match to get into the Chamber match this Sunday.  I really have no idea who will win the Elimination Chamber.

The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes.  Antonio Cesaro joins for commentary.

This is an angry Miz and Cody really seems overwhelmed and surprised by it.  Miz has a rage I’ve never seen.  The action falls to the outside and Cesaro seizes the moment.  He attacks Miz from behind, and the referee sees it.  No worries there for Antonio, he’s not done yet.  He picks up the Miz and monkey swings him into the barrier wall repeatedly.  Over and over again.  Antonio’s attack had an equal amount of fury as Miz’s rage.   This could be really interesting.

Epico and Primo (and the amazing looking Rosa who really needs something better to do with a spotlight put on her) vs. Brodus Clay (with the Funkadactyls) and… Tensai?!

I love monster tag teams.  Lets see if this pairing lives up to my hopes.  It goes well.  Quick beat down of a match.  Brodus and Tensai look like their having fun and do well.  I am going to cross my fingers on this one.  But the surprise of the night was the other tag team.  Naomi and Cameron take out Rosa and I was shocked.  I’m still not sold on them but this was one hell of a surprise.  Find Rosa a tag team partner and let these women go at it.  Maybe lightning will be caught.

 

I’m starting to warm up to the Funkadactyls.  What about the rest of you?  Thoughts?  Loves? Hates?

The Shield comes out to cut a promo and they give some great reasons for their mission.  John Cena has been the man for the last decade and has created the current archetype.  Guys like Sheamus and Ryback.  Not guys like themselves.  It was a real well done promo.  The lights go off and the Super Group are in the ring to fight off Shield.  The fight goes into the crowd and the Shield runs off.  Good build for Sunday, but I really hope the Shield gets in a ton of offense.

 

Hey Dean…. I was just wondering…. How much can you curl?

Alberto Del Rio vs. Damien Sandow.

Damien and Cody might want to think about getting their team back together.  Again, a glorified squash.  Damien cut a longer promo against Nashville than the time he lasted in the ring.  Disappointing because Damien is quite good.

Wade Barrett is walking to the ring when he is attacked backstage by Bo Dallas.  Pretty good painful looking backstage beat down too.

Wade Barrett vs. Kofi Kingston was a very interesting match.  Wade was coming in hurt after that Bo Dallas attack.  He fought back well though, despite Kofi hitting some impressive moves.  Kofi hasn’t been doing much lately and I wouldn’t have been shocked for him to get the Intercontinental title back just to give him something to do.  Wade used the ring apron for the assist and got a well deserved win.  Very impressive work by Barrett tonight.

Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler.

Oh its been awhile since we had one of these.  One of those matches in which you know while watching it that something will happen to mess up the end of the match no matter how good it is.  Lets see what the wonky finish will be.

There it is!  But it was unexpected.  AJ gets on the ring apron to distract Kane.  It doesn’t work.  Dolph comes off the ropes and knocks AJ off.  Big E catches her, so no foul.  But Dolph shows concern for AJ and stops in his tracks.  This gives Kane all the opportunity he needs to hit a choke slam for the win.

After the match there is no huge argument between Dolph and AJ.  That’s refreshing.  Classic wrestling booking tells me he should yell and scream at her then ditch her.  Not tonight!

Really really good Elimination Chamber commercial.  No one does hype videos like WWE.

My least favorite wrestler, the Rock, is on his way out.  I’ll hit the highlights for you but there is no way I can write a play by play of the Rock’s rambling remarks.

The Rock blows Nashville’s dick until finally the Punk comes out to ringside.  Rock gets the upper hand and bounds off the ropes for the People’s Elbow but Paul trips him.  Punk takes the opportunity and hits a GTS on the Rock.  CM Punk steals the belt and says the belt belongs to him.  Good segment to get some more buys for the PPV.