(Hold the phone.  Are you telling me its time for Smarked for Death?!)

Tonight’s episode starts with Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman coming out united against The Rock.  Mrs Hellions is sitting here and says, “Vickie looks like shit.  I mean her body is fantastic now but the hair and make up are awful.”  I think the leather suit was a poor choice for the evening.

Highlights, if they could be called such, of last week’s Rock concert air.  In fact, way too much of the concert was shown.  I didn’t enjoy it last week, like it even less now.  Then its announced that security (or police, or independent local wrestlers in costume) are barring Rock from entering the building.  Rock then cuts his usual ridiculous insulting promo work.  I know some people eat up his routine.  I am not one of them.

“If you smell what the Vick is cooking” made me laugh but my ears are bleeding now.

Beat the Clock challenge goes all night long and the winner gets their choice of Royal Rumble entrance number.

John Cena will address the WWE Universe tonight.  Oh what the fuckity fuck.

Antonio Cesaro (US Champion) vs. Randy Orton in a Beat the Clock challenge.

I really love Antonio wearing the US flag on his tights and waving Old Glory.  Such a dickish heel move.

Antonio uses the headlock as an actual wear down move.  Constantly adjusting it, working it, using it as an actual wrestling move and not a move to stall and catch his breath.  Although, its a Beat the Clock challenge and we’re already two minutes in so it is kind of a stalling move as well tonight.

There is some great work in this match but something feels off.  Its that whole stalling thing for sure.  We’re near 10 minutes and there is no way that the later matches tonight go 10 minutes or longer.  Plus, I’m not sure that Orton would lose to Antonio.  This is less about the Rumble and more about Randy’s current lost character and the set up for his heel turn.

Cesaro is knocked to the outside and comes back in to catch an RKO.  But its still a match that lasted 11.36 which is a record that will definitely be beaten tonight.

Mick Foley’s Hall of Fame video airs again.

The Shield highlight promo.

Big Show vs. Zack Ryder.

This wont last long.  Brad Maddox comes out to join the commentary table.  It took longer to address that Brad was at ringside and explain why than the match lasted.  One knockout punch and that’s it.

I wonder if TNA will have Tara or Velvet or one of the ladies start punching out their opponents just to call it the Knockout Punch.

Big Show tries to cut a promo for his match at Royal Rumble but gets pissed off at the fans instead.

Paul Heyman is backstage on the phone and is interrupted by Brad Maddox, who is filming his YouTube show.  Brad says he’ll do anything to succeed and something clicks with Paul who has now taken Brad in.  This could get very interesting.

Ryback vs. Heath Slater (with Drew McIntryre and Jinder Mahal).

3MB won last week against Sheamus, who thinks they can continue this week?  Yeah, me either.  Ryback bounces them off of each other like billiard balls and hits the easy Shell Shock on Heath for the win.

Ryback cuts a promo saying that he’ll win the Rumble.  I honestly wouldn’t be totally shocked if he did.

The Rock is still trying to get into the arena.  Just pull out some of your GI Joe money and buy them off, Rock!  Borrow from Channing Tatum if need be.

One of the security guards mentions he had a ticket to tonight’s show.  Oh, I bet you that the Rock buys it and enters the arena as a fan.  How did that security guard buy front row tickets on his salary?!

CM Punk with Paul Heyman come to ringside.  He cuts a damn good promo against the Rock.  It may be the same from CM Punk but I enjoyed it a lot better than the same from the Rock.

And yet they still don’t have any interaction.  I’m really hoping for a huge blow off tonight.  Lets fight!

Dolph Ziggler (with AJ Lee and Big E Langston) vs. The Miz in a Beat the Clock challenge.

Miz goes right at it with a big dropkick and a quick pin attempt.  Dolph is thrown off by this.  Fast fast two counts.  Wow, this may be match of the night and we’re only a minute in.  Really excellent work from both men.  Miz clips Dolph’s knee and it is nasty as hell.  Kind of a strange move for a face, but whatever.  Then Miz tries to lock on the Figure Four.  This is still bizarre.  Miz as Flair’s heir is just something I never expected to see.  Big E sends the match back into Dolph’s favor.

AJ’s top looks like she stole it out of Rosa Mendes’s bag.

Miz is back on track in this match and he better put something spectacular together in just under two and a half minutes.  Miz hooks the tights.  It doesn’t work, but this face who does heel moves character may just work.

Miz gets the Figure Four on with a minute and a half left.  AJ distracts the referee and Big E drags Dolph to the ropes for a break.  Well done.  Dolph rolls out to clutch his knee and we’re at one minute.  Miz goes for the quick pin but no luck.  Big E tries to get involved but Miz catches him.  He doesn’t catch the Zig Zag behind him though.  Dolph gets the pin at 10.56.   I am shocked we’ve now had two long matches on Raw.  Bring on the third!

 

Team Hell No graduation!  I am expecting hilarity from this.  Dr Shelby is at the podium and introduces his proud students.  Kane and Daniel Bryan come out in gowns!  Daniel Bryan has slicked his hair back.  This is already wonderful.  “Your beard looks like a hotel for rats.”  I have now snorted.  Raw has caused me to guffaw.

Kane and Daniel Bryan put on the caps with tassels!  Dr Shelby moves the tassels to commemorate their graduation.  Dr Shelby says the top student, the valedictorian  usually gives a speech.  He leaves it up to both members of Hell No to decide who is top student.  They both pick each other to speak.  “You’re the valedictorian!”

Dr Shelby chant!  This is an instant classic.

“What if everyone, everywhere, hugged at the same time?”  Oh I cant stop laughing.  The child like way that Daniel says, “everyone?”  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler hug to start us off.  Justin Roberts and the ringside doctor, Dr Samson, hug.  Kane and Daniel point to everyone they can and ask them to hug.  “Are you going to hug?!”  Oh this is going to go over like hotcakes and gang busters at house shows.

Alicia Fox vs. Kaitlyn (Divas champion)

Tamina is watching from backstage.  Kaitlyn is a champion without a program.  Michael Cole calls Alicia a veteran.  I don’t like anything about that statement.  Aren’t both these women faces?  Alicia has her own five moves of doom.  I’m waiting for Kaitlyn to show off some power and take Alicia out.  There it is!  Alicia officially has the Spear in her repertoire and uses it to win this bout.

Paul Heyman tells CM Punk that he has bought him a sky box and wants Punk to enjoy the next segment from there.  Interesting…

The “Paul Bomb” begins.  Well, not quite a pipe bomb.  Paul says Rock is a moron and so are the people.  That’s about it.  The Rock comes out and shows the ticket he bought off of the security guard.  Punk is no where near Rock or the mic so chances are Rock will stay some stupid shit and then lay out Paul.  Lets watch….

Well, Rock has Paul leave the ring so I’m already wrong on one count.  Rock says Punk is going to lose in 6 days.  The usual.  Its frustrating that they have been kept apart all evening, but that’s just ensuring I watch the Royal Rumble so I can see them fight.

The Rock may have gone too far with that “Free at Last” line.  And by may have I pretty much mean did.

The lights go out on the Rock.  The Shield is attacking the Rock!  Rock fights back and, its not enough.  No super Rock?  The Shield beats the hell out of the Rock.  The crowd hates on the Shield right now.  Smart marks like me are loving this.  Rock is laid out by three guys who have only had one match.  That’s a push.  CM Punk turns Rock’s MLK speech around to put himself over.  Best in the World indeed.

Rock spits up blood?!  Nice touch!

 

Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett (Intercontinental champion).  Beat the Clock challenge.

Sheamus controls the beginning of the match quite well.  Its all in his favor until Wade knocks Sheamus out of the ring.  Barrett begins to get some momentum going and its a pretty good wrestling match.  Both Wade and Sheamus are big guys, but they are about even to each other.  The usual power moves don’t apply here and both men start to use things like wrestling moves and speed.  Very well crafted match.

Wade is not in the ring with a joke though, he’s in with a multi time world champion and Sheamus fights back.  Wade hits some incredible kicks that would have kept down a lesser man.  Down to two minutes and one of these men has to make a big mistake soon for the other to beat the clock.

Barrett attempts Wasteland but Sheamus fights out.  Sheamus hits White Noise and then stares at the clock.  Only a minute and fifteen left.  Sheamus readies the Brogue Kick and we’re at under a minute.  AJ, Dolph and Big E come down.  AJ distracts Sheamus enough for Wade to hit the Winds of Change.  Never heard of it?  That’s why it doesn’t win the match.  Under twenty seconds.  Team Dolph is scrambling.  Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick at four and doesn’t get the cover until one.  There’s not enough time in one second for a three count.  Dolph celebrates his victory.

This restaurant full of people predicting the Royal Rumble is a horrible commercial.   “Ryback or the Shield.”  You don’t know how this works!  Only one person can win.

Dolph and company head into Vickie Guerrero’s office to celebrate the win.  Vickie is still pissed about losing Dolph to AJ, and has her moment.  Dolph picks #30.  Vickie swerves him though and says he cant pick any number, he can pick A number.  One or two.  Brilliant twist!

CM Punk and Paul Heyman are backstage and run into Mr McMahon.  Vince says they’re clever for getting the Shield to attack Rock. Vince says if Shield interferes at the Royal Rumble he will strip Punk of the WWE title.  Good thing Brad Maddox, Colt Cabana, quite a few other Punk-people aren’t in the Shield.  This really will be an interesting main event.

Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez) (World champion) vs. Tensai.

Anyone else think Tensai looks at that title and says to himself, that’s what they promised me if I moved back from Japan.  Tensai starts to beat Del Rio down but I don’t think anyone in the arena doubts the outcome.  Tensai with two huge splashes and Del Rio has no trouble kicking out.  Del Rio with head scissors and a damn impressive belly to back suplex takes Tensai down.  Del Rio with a running kick to Tensai’s head and then follows it up with a second rope moonsault for the win.

That was one of the most fun and enjoyable Del Rio matches I’ve ever seen.  Was making him a face the missing piece of the puzzle?

Del Rio cuts a promo on Big Show.  Mrs Hellions does not appreciate the Spanish 10 count.  “Is this Dora WWE?!”

The latest inductee to the WWE Hall of Fame is… Bob Backlund.

Damn, you forget how good a story his comeback was.  There was no way he should have been champion.  Or that over as a heel.

John Cena comes out for his state of the Cenation address.  Again, I am really not expecting much here.

Alright Cena’s any given Sunday should have ended with talking to the kid.  Neither the woman nor the guy appreciated any of it.  Nor the fans come to think of it.  John wants to do lots of great stuff this Sunday at the Royal Rumble.  I just want him to shut up, get to a point, get beat up, something other than talk any more.

Cena gets to a point, that he will win the Rumble.  Well, we all knew that was coming.  Sheamus comes out to decide that he will be hte one to win.  This brings out the Prime Time Players?  New music and annoying whistle.  They don’t even get to say they’ll win before Randy Orton comes out.  He’s going to win.  The Miz is next, I bet he thinks he’ll win too.  Kane and Daniel Bryan want to graduate to Rumble winners.  Antonio Cesaro probably thinks no American can beat him in the Rumble.  That’s 9 people.  We need at least one more for a good fight.  Or three more men.  A 3MB.

Everyone else comes down.  Is that Curt Hawkins with a haircut?  Near 30 men battle it out in the ring and start tossing people out of the ring.

I’m still excited for the Rumble, but this was an anti climatic build up.

 

 

 

(UGH.  I cant believe I read ALL of that.)