Finally I’m able to watch Raw.  I tell you, part of the problem with these three hour Raws is finding the time to watch it.  How much time is each episode anyways?  Oh don’t worry, we have Solace Winter’s times in this article once again!

When John Cena doesn’t talk for two hours his promos are actually good.  John is the king of recap promos.  Michael Cole reminds us of what happened last week.  Lawler pretty much says that only a coward kicks someone from behind.  Jerry also says that this isn’t how Raw usually begins.  With someone in the ring talking?  That’s usually how it begins.

CM Punk comes out to a huge ovation.  He also filled out the beard and got a bad ass haircut.  Remember young up and coming wrestlers, constantly evolve your gimmick.  Evolve or fall to the side

As near always Punk is gold on the mic and leaves someone else in the dust.  Jerry fails to come up with a great comeback line.  Oh I’ll think about it Punk.  So what?  So help me if I see a dramatic recap of King promising to think.

CM Punk Recap – 2:05

Lawler/Punk – 8:10
(Starts when Lawler starts speaking in the ring, ended at commercial)

I actually enjoyed the Punk recap, and I would be fine with it if that was it for recaps throughout the show.  The Lawler and Punk segment did what it had to do.  The main event was built up, the next PPV was hyped.  Again, if this was the only long talking segment we’d be doing well.

Smackdown was more socially active than anything else on Friday night.  Friday.  You know, the day other than Saturday where TV just gives up and says fuck it no one is watching TV tonight, they’re all out doing something else.   Throw whatever on TV.

Jack Swagger’s losing streak is addressed.  And then Ryback comes out.  Swags wont be changing his address this week.  Oh this match is nasty.  At first it looks like Ryback’s steam and momentum is causing a few missed moves.  Nothing too bad.  A trip here and there.  Then he doesn’t push Swagger up high enough and Jack almost comes down on his head and neck.  He kind of did, but turned enough to protect himself.  Clean it up before you hurt someone Skip!

Ryback wins, if you hadn’t guessed.  Swagger yells out That’s it!  Lets see if a career change is coming.

Jack Swagger vs. Ryback – 2:10
Ryback won…

If Ryback doesn’t learn to be less sloppy in the ring these matches are going to be a lot shorter.  He almost broke Jack’s neck in the first minute.  Who knows how many will be injured when the WWE dares to send Ryback out there for five minutes!

Michael Cole tells us that Triple H might retire, and he will make an announcement tonight.  Speaking of announcements!   No, King is still thinking about it.

Natalya vs Layla

Vickie comes out before anything happens and says she has an announcement to make right after the match.  That was a little strange.  Vickie stands on the steps and waits for the match to end.  Where are my numbers?!  Just kidding, they’ll be right here.  This isn’t heel work this is flat out disrespectful.  Both women are completely off their game because of Vickie’s presence.  Layla has added a butt bump to her move list.  Shades of Boom Boom!  Natalya must have been watching old Finlay matches and she sneaks in the trapped in the ring apron move.  In fact there’s a lot of good moves and some nice attempts here but its an uphill battle.  The crowd was dead, Vickie really threw a wrench into things, its all working against the Divas.

Diva Recap – 0:13

Natalya vs. Layla – 2:46
Layla wins

I’m shocked that the match got this long with the Vickie Guerrero bullshit going on.  I still don’t understand what Layla is attempting with her new move set.

Vickie is still upset over AJ’s match making from last week.  But Dolph won.  Why keep fighting it?  You sneaked out with the victory, its best to just let it be and hope the crazy GM doesn’t go after you again.  But no, no, Vickie calls out AJ.  AJ skips out and looks the innocent then slaps Vickie and takes her down!  Cat fight!  Cat fight!  Oh sorry, Cougar and kitten fight!  Cougar and kitten fight!

However, your WWE Divas champion had her match ignored, the #1 contender wasn’t on camera, and the 20 other Divas received no screen time.  On a three hour show.  Obviously someone hates the Divas.  That rant out, AJ vs Vickie could be fantastic.

Vickie Guerrero/AJ – 3:30

A match between one woman who is not a wrestler and one woman who currently isn’t (but can be) should not be given more time and/or build up than the Divas title.

 

Daniel Bryan sits in anger management class.  Independent talent Scorpio Sky is next to him.  Some kid comes in with a ghost face mask  and Daniel freaks out.  Harrold Sky adds just that little perfect touch to the scene.  I fully expect all of this to tie in and promote the Charlie Sheen Anger Management show.  A show that I will never watch.  I don’t support drug addicts, I watch wrestling!

Lawler finally responds to Punk.  Jerry, Punk didn’t say you’re a fun loving 14 year old.  He said you love having fun with 14 year olds. Gotta get that hearing checked.

Took Jerry Lawler – 2:05 to say yes.

Daniel Bryan could say Yes (or No) 18 bajillionty times in two minutes and five seconds.

John Cena vs The Miz

A WrestleMania rematch!  Although it doesn’t seem like that kind of match anymore.  Miz is doing some great work though.  He is more than controlling the match, he is near dominating it.  When the hell did John Cena start wearing New Balance?  Also why has no one added a c-e and a to the big New Balance N logo?  Marketing people!

No one is marketing Miz well though.  He had a great first part of the match but then Cena gets his 5 moves of comeback, hits an AA and its all over.  Damn shame though.  Miz deserves to have had a bit more offense.

John Cean vs. The Miz – 7:48
Cena wins

How long was their WrestleMania match?  I’m going to assume much much longer.  Its the number one contender against the Intercontinental champion.  Yet the match is less than eight minutes?  What happened to matches running through commercial breaks?

Oh, Josh Matthews is taking Jerry’s place for the rest of the night.

More Triple H career highlights.  We’ll look at those in full a bit later on in this write up.

Is this blog short enough to be on Tout?  I’m at 1000 words already.  That can fit into 15 seconds, right?

Heath Slater vs Santino Marella

The battle between two guys that you cant believe have won the WWE tag team titles.  Heath and Santino are both trying their best, but they don’t have the jobs they do in order to showcase great wrestling skills.  Aksana comes out and apparently Santino and the Cobra are greatly distracted by a fully dressed woman 200 feet away.  Somehow Santino still picks up the win though.  Guess he needs to build up momentum for his United States title research.

Heath Slater vs. Santino – 3:14
Santino wins

The comedy match gets three minutes?!  There is a reason why fans aren’t feeling connected to some of these people.  It has become so fast paced that not only are the characters not being developed but the wrestling isn’t developing.  Sure, CM Punk is Best in the World, but with short matches like this the competition is getting lighter and lighter.

Brodus Clay and Sin Cara vs Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes.

I love how Damien holds the mic like its a brandy snifter.  It may have been smarter for him to sit home with an adult beverage instead of coming out for this match.  Sin Cara comes off the top and takes out Sandow.  Brodus blocks the beautiful disaster with his disaster of a dome.  Then that’s it.  The faces get the pin and everyone dances.  Kind of a bizarre burial for two of the best up and coming heels in the business.

Brodus Clay & Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes – 2:34
Sin Cara/Brodus Clay win

The dancing probably took longer than this match.  What a burial of two great heels.

Daniel Bryan and Kane in anger management class part three.  Kane is asked to talk about himself and it might be the best Kane segment in the history of Raw.  You know what, screw it, you all need to see this one for yourselves.

Anger Management Segment – 1:39

Anger Management 2 – 1:29

Anger Management 3 – 2:44

I would almost put money on the possibility that when this idea is all done it will fill enough TV time to be one episode of FX’s Anger Management show.   If not two.  I look forward to seeing it in syndication, completely out of context with any other part of Raw.

R-Truth vs Daniel Bryan

Bryan is trying to stay calm and it may be a hysterical addition to his character.  Truth is still one of the tag team champions, but for some reason these champions wrestle more singles matches than tags.  Kofi is at the announce table and said he and Truth are heating up the tag division.  By not having tag matches?

Daniel Bryan exchanges yes and no with the crowd… and gets counted out?  Well sure, have to have your tag champs looking strong.  In the singles match.  I am enjoying this Daniel Bryan gimmick but holy shit can I get some wrestling on my wrestling show?

R-Truth vs. Daniel Bryan – 3:05
R-Truth wins

Again with the three minutes!  And that includes stretching that count out into a minute.  If the matches continue for this length at least have Jamal and Rosey come out.

Triple H comes out.  Is the cast on the right arm this week?  I’m getting so confused.  That arm changes sides more times than Lex Luger.

The level of horseshit on display here is unreal.  This is furthering story lines.  Maybe he’ll be back by Survivor Series.  At the latest he’ll be back by WrestleMania.  There isn’t a chance that we have seen Triple H wrestle for the last time.  Think of what Hunter did for his buddies, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, when they hung it up.  Triple H’s true retirement will be an entire Raw.  Maybe even Smackdown too.  All that this farewell and the tribute videos accomplished is less TV time to build new stars.  Have someone cut a promo, start a feud, do something with the dozens of guys in the back just aching for TV time.

Triple H ad  – 1:18

Triple H ad 2 – 1:25

Triple H Ad 3 – 0:10

Triple H Ad 4 – 1:08

Triple H Ad 5 – 0:37

Triple H Segment – 14:26
(starts when his music hit)

This is a colossal waste of air time.  He’s not done, he’s not retiring, and he has plenty of people around him already to suck his dick.  It is to build up his return months in the future.  The only way I will be entertained by this is if he comes out every week and gives his farewell speech again until he gets the crowd reaction he feels his legacy deserves.  You know who is falling for this?  Stupid wrestling fans.  Which, admittedly, is the majority.  Us marks are ready for this twenty minutes of Raw to end.

Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio vs. Sheamus (World champion) and Randy Orton.

This is a very good match but its spot on the show is really detrimental.  Someone of Sheamus’s size and spot should not be diving off the apron, and yet he did.  Randy shows Ryback how to do power moves in a crisp strong visually appealing and yet safe manner.  Hell even Del Rio seems to be on his game tonight.

Josh says that Del Rio is the only one to not be a former World champion.  True, but he is a former WWE champion.  The belts must be at least equal right?

Its not match of the year, it might not even be the best of the week, but its pretty good.  So far the best on Raw.  I’m even enjoying Del Rio’s work in this match.  Long time readers know what a huge compliment that is.  At the end Dolph tries to use the briefcase but Orton stops it and Sheamus picks up the pin.  Tonight the World title is the most important belt in the WWE.  Four world class talents just had a great match solely to show off that they should be the one to hold that title.  Not for a reign, not for a shot, but for the consideration.  Slow clap for all four men.

Jericho/Ziggler Recap – 0:53

Sheamus/Del Rio recap – 0:49

Dolph Ziggler & Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton & Sheamus – 4:56
Sheamus gets the pin on Ziggler

This match full of former World champions (and one WWE one!) only gets 5 minutes?!  Again, its a three hour Raw.  I just want some wrestling in that time.  Really though I should stop complaining and go watch Ring of Honor or hell even NXT.

Kane comes out and Josh Matthews takes off.  Are You Serious bro?  Kane puts on the cans and sits at the announce table?!  This could be interesting.  Michael Cole’s funniest line of 2012 is comparing himself and Kane to Gorilla and Bobby.  I can only assume Kane would play Gorilla as Cole has proved many times that he doesn’t know the names of the moves.

Zack Ryder vs David Otunga

Remember when Smackdown was running short on time one week, so they took a match from Velocity and through it on the episode as a “special promotion” for Velocity?  This match feels like its promoting WWE Superstars.

Good work by Ryder, but Kane’s presence becomes too distracting to really enjoy the match.  Zack wins!  Zack wins!  Its been awhile.  Kane comes in and looks to choke slam Ryder, but turns his attention and violence to Otunga instead.  Face turn for Kane?

Kane/Mathews recap – 0:19

Zack Ryder vs. David Otunga – 2:26
Zack won!

Well I guess if the stars are only getting 3-5 minutes it makes sense for these two to get two.  Remember when Zack was US champ and it looked like David was about to win it too?   And all of us fans would have accepted it.  (At that time.)  Its hard to imagine either man anywhere near a title at this point.

Who would be the better tag team to come out of the anger management course?  I think I’ll put this up as a poll on the site.

The fans have Tweeted!  CM Punk vs Jerry Lawler will take place in a steel cage!  Oh, so that’s why fans in attendance sent out tweets and Facebook posts three hours ago telling all of us that there was a cage above the ring.  Whew, good thing the fans voted for a cage match or else the crew would have put it up for nothing.

CM Punk (WWE Champion) vs. Jerry Lawler in a Steel Cage Match.

I hate to keep sounding like a mark, but has there ever been a WWE champion who knows his wrestling history so well?  Punk grew up in Chicago, there is no reason he should know anything about Memphis wrestling.  Yet knowledge has been dropped tonight.   Great work in this match.  The King is much older than the WWE champion.  He should not appear to be an equal threat.  However, it is believable that he could be craftier.  The veteran may not be stronger or faster, but he can be smarter.

Punk is singing I’m the King of Memphis Tennessee.  CM Punk is doing more justice to Andy Kaufman than Jim Carrey.

Was CM Punk scheduled to win the United States title when he got this ring gear made?

CM Punk is bleeding.  The champion of WWE is actually bleeding live in the ring on TV in 2012.  Its a damn shame that this is so rare and exciting, but it proves that sometimes blood is needed to make a match.  Jerry Lawler can always claim that even though he lost he made the champion bleed.

Because he will lose, and as I write that Jerry taps out to the Anaconda Vice.  Probably a good idea to not hit the Go To Sleep on your grandfather.

Punk leaves the ring and grabs his title.  Then he picks up a length of chain and a master lock while he’s at it.  Punk locks the cage door and demands that Lawler say he is the best in the world.  Jerry refuses and Punk beats the hell out of him.  Damn powerful segment.  Who came up with this one?  I applaud you sir.  John Cena comes out to save Lawler.  The door is locked so John…. waits for the cage to be raised?  Seriously, why didn’t he just climb the cage?  Punk concludes his assault just when the cage is raised.  Cena stays to check on the King and Punk walks away untouched.

CM Punk vs. Jerry Lawler – 7:39
Punk wins by submission

Ending Segment – 4:53

And the CM Punk mark shows through, because I am totally good with these times.  This was the main event of Raw, and a cage match, with the WWE champion in the ring.  However, it should not have gone too long because he was facing a retired wrestler.  Plus the ending was done well and enough time was given to the beat down and the rescue.

If you’re not in the WWE or World title picture in WWE currently you just do not matter.  Hard to see how every title will be defended at Night of Champions when most of those titles aren’t even given any TV time on a weekly three hour show.