Long name… Amazing results!  Well, at least we hope it is.  Lets get into the show!

(Big thanks to Solace Winter for sending me the times of matches and segments on Raw.  They’re at the end this week but next week they’ll be worked into the article.  Tell me which set up you like best.)

Six nights away from SummerSlam.  Damn there was almost 100 hours of wrestling within the last 8 days on cable, PPV, internet, IPPV and so on.  This is why we’re so hard on the parts of the show that are crap.  With that many hours upon hours of wrestling to watch, we expect to be entertained and enjoy the show.  Watching something awful takes away from time that could be spent watching an amazing show from another company.

Anyways, speaking of always great TV, here comes CM Punk.  Yup, the WWE champion has a match at the start of a three hour Raw.  So once again not in the main event.  Its tough to argue this heel turn, when the booking of the show compliments and legitimizes Punk’s issues.

CM Punk (WWE Champion) vs. The Big Show

I honestly forgot I was writing up a review while this match was on.  Not because it was so captivating, but because there just isn’t anything to write about.  Punk hits a bunch of moves, Show hits one power move that takes the champion down.  Repeat.  Show breaks out a spear but its still a glorified hug to the ground.  Daniel Bryan comes out for no good reason.  Well, now he’s going to attack Punk and lock on the YES lock.  Show just watches, but then drops an elbow on Punk.  At least it made sense for once.  Why wouldn’t you let your opponent have his ass kicked?  That’s just that much less ass you have to worry about later on.  Bryan and Show attack Punk.  John Cena, of course, makes the save.  AJ comes out (in a pantsuit, damn shame) and makes matches.  Well at least now we know why the champion was in the opening match.

JTG is complaining that he’s not on TV.  He’s telling Kaitlyn all about it.  AJ bounces past and gets in JTG’s face.  Hey, JTG is going to have a match.  AJ and Kaitlyn talk about their past.  How many regular Raw watchers actually know about their past?  Not that many people watched NXT!

JTG vs… Ryback.

Ryback’s music now has “feed me more” worked in?  That’s just weird.  It is really really strange.  Its like I’m listening to a possessed and/or dying member of the Rock a Fire Explosion.  Ryback has an outstanding belly to belly overhead suplex in his arsenal now.  Damn good work there.  JTG gets destroyed and defeated in less than 140 seconds I think.

Vote for who should be on Piper’s Pit.  I really wondered why #Y2JPit was trending earlier.  I honestly thought it was something about his arm pits.

Roddy Piper is backstage arguing with himself over who the fans will pick to be on the Pit.  He runs into Shawn Michaels.  Shawn then runs into a phone call.  This is how we’re setting up Shawn getting his ass kicked by Brock Lesnar while Triple H is not in the building.

Heath Slater comes out and hypes himself better than anyone else could.  And he will face…. son of a bitch.

Heath Slater vs. R-Truth (1/2 tag team champions).

The first time in months, (or at least it has seemed that long) that R-Truth is in a match and its not for the tag team titles.  He doesn’t even have a tag team partner out there with him!  I think its time to take these belts off of Kofi and Truth.  Truth gets the win with little fanfare or build up.  Not much of anything here.

The Prime Time Players come out.  Quick and easy beat down on Truth.  Fingers crossed there’s a title change at SummerSlam.

The new social media ambassador for WWE is Pauly D?  What in the hell?  Really, what in the hell.  How about me?!  I like to hype things up!

Sin Cara vs Tensai.

The battle between two gimmicks that did not get over anywhere near as much as WWE had hoped.  Sin Cara does a few flips and hits a springboard spinning DDT to get the pin.  The match took less time than the R-Truth match.  Less time than the Truth beat down.  Two things that I already thought were ridiculously quick for a three hour wrestling show.  At this point an Iron Man match has to be considered to be anything over 10 minutes long.

Jerry Lawler introduces Rowdy Roddy Piper.  The fans vote for Y2J to be the guest on Piper’s Pit.  They address Jericho’s recent face turn.  It really isn’t Piper’s best.  Piper works best as an antagonist, not necessarily a heel, but as the opposing force.  Putting Jericho over, and this recent flip of his, is not working.  Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler interrupt.  Lets see if things go better with a few heels out here.  Dolph gets himself over well.  Jericho pulls his classic lines out of storage.  Piper talks over everyone for no good reason.  Not that anyone is listening to him anymore anyways.  Now the Miz comes out, I guess looking for someone to feud against.  All of this happens why?

The Miz vs Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho

Yup.  All of this was just to set up the next match.  Completely unnecessary waste of time.  If there isn’t a Divas match tonight I can think of the perfect segment that could have been pulled to make room for one.  Usual story, the heels work together until both of them go for the glory of one.

Dolph looks great.  Miz is in the middle of another rebirth.  Jericho is a lost ship.  He has always been an innovator, always evolved, and taking this step backwards is baffling.  Once they get warmed up it becomes a pretty good match.  The announcing is crap though.  “Its a super-plex.  And a power bomb.”  A Tower of Doom maybe?  Why do the main announcers not know the moves?  Its every week.

Lawler brings up an interesting point though.  The only reason for each man to go for the win is ego.  There’s no title, no title shot on the line.  Why not let your opponent get beat and carry that through to the pay per view?

Vickie earns her check and proves her worth in the match.  She saves Dolph from getting pinned.  Then she distracts the referee long enough for Dolph to come in and surprise Jericho with a Zig Zag.  Dolph gets the pin and his build up to future world champion continues.  Jericho takes the loss, which is expected at this point.  Miz isn’t a part of it and thus as a new champion is protected.  Smartly booked finish.

Eve shows up backstage to flirt with CM Punk.  This is set up for Punk to talk to Cena.  But hey, a Diva on TV!  Its like seeing a unicorn!

Michael Cole says that the match that kicked off Raw is a main event.  I don’t believe a match can be first AND the main event.

Shawn Michaels wanders backstage.  He’s nervous about Brock Lesnar, and Triple H is not here yet.  John Cena says hi to Shawn.  Then CM Punk has his say with Cena.  Punk makes excellent points.  He is the champion and wants to continue to be, why would he be excited about a triple threat match?  Its not a heel thing, its an honest thing.

Another great Wade Barrett promo.  Cant wait to see him come back and kick some ass.

Layla (Divas champion) and Kaitlyn vs. Eve and Beth Phoenix.

What in the hell?  Layla has fans in the crowd, I don’t know how when she’s not even on TV.  May as well be a fan of the lighting crew. Kaitlyn has never been on the two major shows long enough to build up a fan base.  Or a character.  I see this as a demotion for Beth.  No theme music, no anything lately really.

Where is the worst moves  ever list?  You have a new number one.  Layla jumps over Eve, jumps back, does a shimmy dance, and then shoves her butt in Eve’s face.  I realize that every Diva must have a PG sexy move.  Keep trying.

Also, the big feud here is Kaitlyn vs Eve for which Diva gets to be Booker T’s assistant on Smackdown.  Layla hasn’t had a feud or a rivalry for the Divas title since winning it.  What, in theory, is the biggest women’s title on Earth has no one actually competing for it.

Kaitlyn gets the win with a roll up.  She gets the win over Beth too, which is a bit surprising.

Big Show and Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk (WWE Champion) and John Cena.

Why is Punk not the last man out?  He’s the champion!  Just more fuel for his fire.  Punk and Bryan in the ring together!  My early choice for rivalry of the year.  DJ Pauly D is tweeting thoughts on the matches that are more interesting and insightful than the work of Michael Cole.  That’s actually quite embarrassing.

What are the fans chanting?  I’m not sure if its “Lets go Cena”/”Cena sucks” or if its “Lets go Cena”/”CM Punk” as Michael Cole suggested.  C-M-Punk  Ce-na-sucks Yeah it works either way.  Nice cadence.

Daniel Bryan as spotlight hog is a great addition to the character.  While Miz, Dolph and Jericho are all similar in that respect, seeing Bryan do it takes that character trope and freshens it up.

The story of horribly timed tags is the focus of this match.  Punk and Cena tag themselves in.  Bryan either refuses to tag out or forces himself back in.  Show finally has enough of it and sits down on the outside of the ring.  It was about to be the funniest part of the match until…

CM Punk starts doing John Cena’s five moves of doom.  Cena tags himself in and hits the running knee plus the bulldog out of the corner.  Punk gets pissed off and walks out of the match.  Cena surprises Daniel with an Attitude Adjustment for the win.  Damn there was a lot going on in this match.  For a bout that isn’t actually effecting the pay per view, there was a great amount of story added to this Sunday’s match.

I would say this Sunday’s main event, but we know better.

Big Show tries to sneak attack Cena but Punk saves the day.  Punk sticks his hand out to John, who refuses it.  I cant wait for his “I try to be the bigger man and you show your true colors, John!” speech.

Josh Matthews interviews CM Punk.  Punk puts over Cena learning a new move.  Nice touch.  Punk says where he comes from shaking hands is a matter of respect.  Is this a veiled Ring of Honor reference?

Looks like something went quicker than expected.  After the main event, but before the real main event contract signing we apparently have time for a match.

Damien Sandow vs. Christian

Former multiple time world champion and recently your Intercontinental champion Christian, in the filler match.  No one has had more spotlights and curtain jerks than Christian.

The only thing that would make Damien better is if he were British.  If this man came out with an accent the (to steal a line) ladies panties would be wet enough to drown a puppy.

Damien lures Christian outside and smashes his head on the ring steps.  That should be enough to take out the veteran but Brodus Clay comes out and distracts Sandow.  Christian goes for a roll up but Sandow pops out of it.  Damien with a finisher and Christian loses the match.  Brodus just looks on, impotently.

Shawn Michaels continues to wander backstage in search of his puppy.  Unfortunately he runs into Brock Lesnar.

Triple H still has not arrived at the building!  Its a three hour show that he is in charge of and he has not only limos but his own personal aircraft, this is totally believable that he wouldn’t be here yet!

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman come out for the contract signing.  No one is a better hype man than Paul Heyman.  If you’re an up and coming rapper, save your pennies and hire Paul for your album.  Millions of copies sold!  His hype, his words, just the way he constantly says “Brock. Lesnar.” gets each and every fan excited.

Paul finally says enough to force Shawn Michaels out to the ring.  Once Shawn is out for a minute then Triple H decides to grace us all with his presence.  Hunter signs the contract.  Brock signs then throws the clipboard in The Game’s face.  Brock and Paul walk away.  Well that was uneventful.

We’re not off the air yet?  This Raw has more false endings than Lord of the Rings.  This is getting to be quite bizarre.  Matt Striker runs into the parking lot and interviews Big Show.  The camera catches a near car accident.  Shawn Michaels and Paul Heyman almost have a fender bender.  Brock grabs Shawn out of the car and the camera man goes out, with the footage going black.  We only hear a beating, which is strange.

We’re back with a better camera and Triple H is yelling at everyone now standing by Shawn’s car.  AJ doesn’t know what happened.  ‘Tis a shame she didn’t skip to the scene fast enough.

Lawler and Cole speculate on what’s going on.  Again, what a strange ending to Raw.  Brock carries a beaten Shawn Michaels down to the ring.  He tosses Shawn in while Paul Heyman cackles.  The destruction of HBK begins.  An F-5.  No help coming.  All of the Superstars and referees that would come to Shawn’s rescue must be busy looking at the scene of the accident.  Buncha rubber neckers!  Brock locks on a Kimura lock (apologies on spelling) and Triple H finally shows up.  Paul yells for him to stop and threatens that Brock will break Shawn’s arm if Hunter gets in the ring.

Brock breaks it anyways.  He and Heyman run out of the ringside area.  Hunter tends to Shawn and stares at Brock in anger.  Grrrrr…. I’m going to get you in six days!

As much as I joke I’m expecting a lot from this match and hope both Hunter and Brock deliver.

 

Now I’m trying to figure out how to work in the numbers that Solace Winter sent me.  This week I’ll try it at the end.  Next week (and someone remind me) I’ll work it into the articles.  Tell me which one you like better.  So how much in ring action did we get?  How many recaps?   How much time was wasted talking?  What about all the Touts and Tweets?  Find out below:

Recap 1 – 0:42

CM Punk vs. Big Show – 6:01

JTG segment with Kaitlyn and AJ

JTG vs. Ryback – 1:53

Heath Slater vs. R-Truth – 1:29

Summer Slam Recap – 1:25

Sheamus/Del Rio recap – 2:00

WWE Rewind – 0:49

Sin Cara vs. Tensai – 1:05

Shawn Michaels talking to a tech guy

Roddy Piper – 10:15

Summer Slam Punk promo – 1:14

Jericho vs. Miz vs. Dolph – 11:09

CM Punk and Eve segment

Recap of Punk/Show – 2:24

Shawn Michaels runs into Cena, Michaels walks off and Punk meets up with Cena.

Wade Barrett promo – 0:52

Layla & Kaitlyn vs. Eve & Beth Phoenix – 4:19

Brock/Triple H Recap – 3:00

Big Show & Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk & John Cena – 10:20

Damien Sandow vs. Christian – 2:12

Shawn Michaels Recap – 0:49

Brock Lesnar, Paul Heyman, etc. – 9:06
Timing started when Lesnar entered the ring.

Smackdown Recap – 0:18

Triple H/Shawn Michaels segment

Matt Striker goes to interview Big Show, runs at tires squealing.

38:28 – Matches

12:41 – Recaps

 

On a three hour show we only get less than 40 minutes of wrestling.  This is absurd.  Thankfully there’s a Divas match but look at the time of it.  Over 4 minutes.  That’s more than Sin Cara, Tensai, R-Truth, Heath Slater, JTG, Ryback, Damien Sandow or Christian got in the ring.  Almost more of them all had combined.  Its good that the three way and the big tag match got a lot of time to tell their stories.  They were some good matches.  But that horrible Piper segment went nearly as long as the good matches.  What was wrong with Piper? He was totally out of it and no where near his usual mic skills.  Piper should never be the worst promo guy in a segment and yet that was what happened.

Any other times surprise you here?