“I don’t try anything.  I just do it.”

This week my friends with other geeky pop culture blogs, a group we call the League, are coming up with our own movie remakes.  Any movie we like, with any current cast.  There’s the caveat.  It must be current.

Sure lots of people will take their favorite sci fi or fantasy film from the past and remake it with modern effects.  Its all about the modern technology.  But you know what has been the same for centuries, and never needed special effects in order to make it captivating?  Even when it was in black and white?  Sex and violence.

So lets look at the actors and more specifically actresses that have the specific acting talents we need to remake Faster, Pussycat!  Kill! Kill!

 

This may not shock you at all, but Quentin Tarantino has been long rumored to be remaking this movie at some point.  We already have a director!

While the movie is VERY sexual, its all in the tease.  There is no actual nudity.  No actual sex.  No swearing.  Its all in what is implied, either subtly or so not at all in the very least subtle oh my god how did they get away with saying this back in 1965?

Fiveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Yeah! Whaoh!

 

Not too many characters in this movie, so it should be easy to cast.  Lets take a look at the updated fantasy cast for this iconic film.

In random order!

First is Billie.  Sure, she’s as hyper sexual as the rest of the women.  But there seems to be something underneath.  Morals?  Guilt?  Basic human decency?  We cant be sure.  We need an actress who has an innocence to her.  Someone who seems good and wholesome, but we know the truth.  We know that she might be redeemed but she has done some down and dirty things already.  Things like kissed a girl.

Katy Perry as Billie.

 

Rosie:

Rosie has to be dangerous but without confidence.  Strong enough, bad enough, smart enough to be in charge.  But there is that one thing holding her back from being the leader.  We need a woman that is used to playing the sidekick.  We need someone that steals the scene in that role too.  Someone who can seem tough and street smart.  She acts rough but she doesn’t look rough.  There is only one choice.

Kat Dennings as Rosie.

 

 

Varla.

We need someone strong.  Someone timeless.  Someone who carries her sexuality with so much confidence it transcends time.  We need a bitch.  We need a manipulator.  Hell, there is only one person that can carry this role and she is on one of the biggest TV shows of our current era.

Christina Hendricks as Varla.

 

Linda.

Linda needs to be played by an actress who looks younger than she is.  Considering the subject matter, its a tough role to play.  Innocent yet experienced.  Naive yet knowing all too well what is happening.  She needs to always look like she’s plotting an escape but without tipping her hand.  She needs to be younger, smaller, yet still attractive and with the ability to deceive.  She needs to be a pretty little liar.

Lucy Hale as Linda.

 

Onto the men!

Harry Knowles as the Old Man.

 

Not because he is in a wheelchair.  No.  I cast him here because I am a huge fan of Harry’s and being in this movie is the greatest gift I could ever give the man.  The smile on his face while on set would never ever leave him.

Chris Hemsworth as the Vegetable.

 

If he’s going to have the body of a god, why not have a god play the body?

Liam Hemsworth as Kirk.

 

Smaller, yet still attractive version of his brother.  Plus lets get him away from Miley for a little bit.  Show him some real women.

 

Paul Walker as Tommy.

 

If Tarantino is doing this movie we may as well embrace the cars.  Tommy wont be in the movie for long, but what a great shout out to give the audience.  Don’t even mention it in trailers.  Just have the audience come in and wait for them to explode with delight when they see Brian O’Conner come out of the car.

Seth MacFarlane as the Gas Station Attendant.

 

If anyone is going to get away with being pervy, lecherous yet endearing its the voice of Quagmire.