For some reason I thought this was a three hour Raw tonight.  Ah well, that means I’ll get through it all that much quicker.

The show starts as every show should start… with AJ.  I don’t mean every Raw.  I mean every show on every channel every where.  AJ has called her three love interests together so she can tell them all how she feels.  Its a very deep and honest evaluation of each relationship and…. oh my word she’s talking to a mirror.  Is she psyching herself up or is she guano crazy?  Well I’m engrossed in tonight’s show already.

Has any other wrestling show reached a thousand episodes?  I have to imagine WCW Saturday night was close if not successful.

Good news to all fans of shrill voices and great heel work, Vickie Guerrero is interim GM for Raw and Smackdown this week.  Hate Vickie all you want, but she just made an amazing opening match.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. CM Punk (WWE Champion) in an elimination match.

WWE asks the fans who we think AJ should end up with.  This explains why #AJALL was trending.  I thought everyone was misspelling AJ Ball and the vulgar desires of wrestling fans was making news.

Anyways, this is an elimination match.  AJ is backstage watching the match and Michael Cole calls here “eccentric”.  I don’t feel that he’s using that word correctly.  Cole says that its a non title match.  Also if its not Punk winning the match the winner “might” get a future title shot.  Well that takes out all of the drama in the match.  AJ bounces her way out and this proves to be Kane’s downfall.  Kane watches the crazy one herself, and gets a GTS for his troubles.  However, Bryan sneaks in and kicks Punk on the back of the head.  Daniel wins the match and…. well I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if there’s a title shot.

Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez kiss Vickie’s ass.  Dolph Ziggler comes in and its a debate on who should be the number one contender.  They both talk about their cocks and a number one contender match awaits us later tonight.

Brodus Clay (with Cameron and Naomi) vs. the Big Show.

Its a rematch of a previous ass kicking.  Lets see if things go better for Brodus tonight.  Nope.  Clay gets in a couple power moves but then Show attacks the knee and that’s all that Brodus has in him.  Funkasaurus tries to fight back.  He’s starting to build something up but then while picking up Show his knee gives out and Big Show lands on top.  Show picks up a pin.

John Cena grants lots of wishes.  However, not one of them has been for Kenn Doane.  Poor Kenny.

Remember when Bob Barker was on Raw?  That’s a 1000th memory.

“During the break” Brodus is being walked out of the arena when Big Show comes back and right punches him right in the mush!  Good footage to build up Show but why have it happen during a commercial break?

Highlights from Paul Heyman and Triple H last week.  Brock Lesnar will respond next week.  This week?  Not so much going on.

AJ looks like she’s talking to herself again, but hey look there’s Kane!  No hopes for this bit, but damn if Kane doesn’t pull out an all time classic line.  Kane says he’s a monster, he’s messed up, he’s deranged but he thinks AJ is mentally ubstable.  That was a quick moment and came across as an easy write, but is also one of the best things Kane has ever said.

Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella (US champion).

Santino hasn’t defended the US title on Raw since April?!  Isn’t is meant to be a Raw only title?  Swagger doesn’t get any entrance music so I think we know what will happen here. Sure enough, Santino who was once a joke very easily defeats Swagger.  Jack should be a much bigger star by now.  Especially with all the God given gifts and talents that he has.  However, there goes Santino with a very easy victory.  Crazy, and a little disappointing.

John Cena is heading to the ring.  He walks by a box of “People Power” merchandise that is being given away.  Zack Ryder shows up.  He throws one of the shirts away, but considering how little he has been on Raw lately he might want to start stocking up on free merch so he has something he can afford to wear.

John Cena comes out and talks far too much.  He recaps his feud against Big Johnny and does it while channeling Star Wars.  I just, I just cant do it.  Lets skip ahead and hope something fun happens.  Hmmm….. Whoa Chris Jericho is back!!!

And he gets shut up very quick so John Cena can talk more.  Cena announces he will be in this year’s Money in the Bank match.  Damn that is interesting.

Until Cena says Fudgin.  “Most of our viewers are 9.”  No, no they are not.  And if that’s what the McMahon family thinks is true then it goes a long way to explaining every fault in the current WWE product.  Jericho puts himself in the match too and all of this has been way too much talking to tell the fans some all too obvious “new” bits of information.  Vickie Guerrero comes out and says there will be two Money inthe Bank matches and she will decide who is in them.  So Vickie then says that Jericho and Cena are in it.  What in the hell?  Hey, you cant tell me you’re in this match I’m about to say you’re in!  That just makes no sense.

“Its been nearly two years… so for the first time ever.”  What?!  What?!  Its one or the other.  It cant have never happened before, two years ago.  Oh that hurt.

Tonight’s guest from the past hasn’t been on Raw in 15 years.  Well, WCW was still around that long ago so I have a feeling it will be someone who wrestled in both places.

Lillian Garcia is about to introduce tonight’s blast from the past, but Heath Slater comes out instead.  Ohhh… I bet Heath will get his ass kicked by whoever this mystery guest will be.  I do love Heath’s hints to who the mystery wrestler will be.  “I rule the world!”  Oh just to quote some Sid lines.  Sycho Sid comes on out to the ring.  Well, if I had to guess what he looked like now that would be my guess.  He looks in great shape.  Face is much older.  But good physique for his age.  Sid destroys Heath.  Great indy match.  Sid hits all of his signature moves and then poses in the ring for 10 dollar Polaroids.

I’m seeing plenty of scenes from WWE, WCW and ECW on that new Falls Count Anywhere set.  I may have to go buy this.

#1 contender contract on a pole match – Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Dolph Ziggler.

Winner will get his title shot on Smackdown.  Isn’t there a PPV coming up that could use a World title match?  Why not save the winner’s match until then?  I’m guessing a three way match for the World title at Money in the Bank.  Dolph is just flat out better than Del Rio.  In an entertaining way.  It really isn’t any sort of great wrestling match.  The whole point is to put your opponent down just long enough to grab the contract.  They battle for it numerous times with a few nasty falls in between.  Both men fight and the contract goes flying!  They get down to the floor and beat each other to grab the contract.  Oh this is a great new twist on these matches.  Grabbing it isn’t enough, you must hang onto it as well.  Del Rio and Dolph sacrifice themselves just to pull the other one away from the contract.  This is a great and exciting new angle to the “on a pole” matches!  Sheamus comes out and announces that the Smackdown match will now be a 3 way.  So…. we just had a match for nothing?  There really was no reason at all for that match.  Its a shame it had such a great spin on it.  Very bizarre.

AJ dedicates the bikini battle royal to CM Punk.  Punk wants to have a talk with her, but its like talking to a crazy frog.  Have you ever talked to a frog?  Yeah, crazy isn’t it?

Mick Foley’s favorite Raw moment is, not too surprisingly, the Rock’s “This is your life!”

The Divas bikini beach battle royal begins.  Vickie Guerrero comes out to get into the match.  All of the other Divas are in the ring.  AJ just mentioned in the last segment that she would be in the match.  Which means that the last two women will be Vickie and AJ.

Vickie strips off her rope and dances.  All the Divas attack Vickie but she sneaks off to the side.  “There’s another Diva out.”  “Who’s out?”  Yeah.  Your fucking announcers don’t know who’s out.  That’s how much you have done to build up characters.  No one knows who they are.

Nataly and Beth team up.  Thought Natalya was a face last time.  Who fucking knows.  Beth and Layla go at it a bit.  Which is good, considering that’s the current and previous Divas champions.  Maybe someone who holds some gold should get some TV time.  Oh look its down to AJ and Vickie. AJ kicks Vickie out to win and then does a Yes Yes Yes chant.  Woman of the year right here.

Next Tuesday will see a live Smackdown sub-named the Great American Bash.  I guess that’s a good idea.  I would still love to see some other WCW names used again.  Halloween Havoc, Clash of the Champions, Starrcade.

John Cena vs. Chris Jericho.

For the first time… in nearly two years.  As opposed to the nearly first time in two years.  So, this is a six minute main event match.  Featuring a guy who has been gone a month and a guy who hasn’t been near the WWE title in over a year.  Sure, that’s a main event right there.  Big Show comes out for fun.  Chris Jericho locks on a Walls of Jericho and Show drops a leg across the helpless Cena.  Show scares off Jericho and just dismantles John Cena.  Well, I guess matches and stories have to be set up but the crowd that was hot all night does not care.  Show locks Cena in the Colossal Clutch until Cena passes out.  Not the most visually stunning move ever.  Nor a good one ot end the show with.