When the movie starts off with a maid tumbling down the stairs and I laugh, you know it’s not a good sign for the rest of the movie.

@RegalSays: So yeah it’s a typical night… Orton gets suspended… I decide to watch a movie… What in the blue hell did I just watch? Did Guy Pearce and Katie Holmes really think this was gonna be scary? I’ve seen a scarier episode of Goosebumps or a Simpsons Halloween special. Downright awful!

@MrsZigglesWorth My spidey senses tell me this will be awful. #HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorth Dammit! Every time! That darn step! Someone call Home Depot.#HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable Is this the movie where Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. plays Benjamin Button? He looks old here #HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorth Wow Hansel, you’re looking real old now. Where is Gretel?#HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable This is the movie where the opening credits are the only good thing about it, right? #HashtagHorror

And he might have had a point. If the movie had kept with an old time feel it might be been passable because we can just assume the people would have been stupider anyway. Instead what was supposed to seem like a smart family do stupid things. I mean, this is a horror movie.

@KristoffrableAnother horror movie with a creepy little girl drawing spirals? Is this a rerun? #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Leonard Shelby hasn’t aged a day! Look he still has his Polaroid.

@TheSupremeForceWhen does the sparkly vampire show up? #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Katie Holmes. No stranger to entering creepy houses… She lives with Tom Cruise after all.

15 minutes in and all we’ve really learned is the little girl is an incessant whiner and it’s hard to feel sorry for her, her dad couldn’t care less about her because he’s sleeping with Katie Holmes, and Katie Holmes might be the only likable character. Spoiler, that doesn’t really change through this movie.

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Even the bed looks fake evil. This film reeks of fevilness.

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror She took her jacket off finally. She won’t go through this movie like Kenny from South Park.

@Kristoffrable Fog on the lake…I’ve never seen that before. #HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorth Seriously, this dad is taking WAY too much crap from his daughter.#HashtagHorror

@KristoffrableThat vent is so evil! #HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorthYou didn’t know this but dad got this house for cheap! It’s on an old Indian burial ground. #HashtagHorror

@KristoffrableOK the heating structure of this house doesn’t make sense. Fail del Toro, Fail!! #HashtagHorror

Not even 30 minutes in we were hoping for something to happen, and we got it. News on Orton’s suspension broke. Oh, and some old guy got killed in the basement by little creatures that must obviously just be invincible, right?

@KristoffrableThis child’s acting is equivalent to water torture. #HashtagHorror

@KristoffrableThe moment with Guy Pierce thinks he’s Triple H. It’s not about the game buddy, it’s about bad acting. #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa #HashtagHorror Trust Randy Orton to try and overshadow #HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror Should have put the Ascension in this movie. They’d squash those whispering evil bastards.

At this point we are a half an hour in and the girl is having fun hearing voices in her head. Or, from her teddy bear, or whatever is actually talking to her. None of us actually care, we just are hoping something happens.

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror If this movie gets any slower, it’s going to attract Khali.

@Kristoffrable Pretty sure I heard those things say: “My precious…damn wrong line…why didn’t Peter Jackson direct this!” #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror The maid from the first five mins of movie goes down the basement scared. Little Sally goes down like a boss.

We’ve hit the 45 minute mark of the movie and something finally happens! The little pipsqueak creatures attack the old man in the basement because, hey, how do you defend yourself against small creatures with knives? Impossible, right? Right??

@MrsZigglesWorthDead guy in the basement means it’s time to move, right? NOT!#HashtagHorror

@KristoffrablePretty sure those things aren’t strong enough to wield any of those things.  #HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce That guy looks like he just got kicked by a squirrel!

And a man dies there on the floor in front of them. Instead of rushing off to call for help they just curl into each other and cry for a bit.

@MrsZigglesWorthAll in the name of interior decorating.. seems worth it. #HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror When monkey squirrels attack, coming this fall on Fox.

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Beds too big #WhiteGirlProblems

@TheSupremeForce#HashtagHorror The cops ruled that the guy “fell” in the basement. Totally an accident.

@KristoffrableSo is this movie about the Hunchback of Notre Dame splintering off into tiny versions of itself. I hope not. #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror They hurt the Lotso rip off bear!

@MrsZigglesworth This is aw-ful! *clap clap clap-clap-clap* #HashtagHorror

Wait, at an hour in we discover the guy didn’t actually die. For 15 minutes of the movie we all thought he was dead, then nope. He’s in the hospital recovering. Either we were very distracted by our own conversation or that was really badly announced.

@Kristoffrable Oh damn, that guy didn’t die? Stupid small things that couldn’t finish the job? Weak antagonists! #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Workaholic dad, troubled child, milf mom heroine. Yup. Classic cliche.

@MrsZigglesWorthKatie Holmes won’t actually solve anything. Don’t worry. #Cliche#HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorthThose look like creatures they rode on in Star Wars. #HashtagHorror

@TheSupremeForceCan we add Smurfs? RT @FamousPlewa: #HashtagHorror Forget Freddy vs. Jason. I wanna see Gremlins vs. these guys!

@Kristoffrable “Something terrible happened in that basement.” Yes, a terrible movie was made there! #HashtagHorror

An hour and fifteen minutes into the movie and we actually come to my favorite part of the entire thing. This has traces of del Toro and what he can do with horror, making it entertaining as the characters show their personalities for about the first time. Unfortunately the whole movie wasn’t like this and the almost whimsical storytelling during this scene falls afterward.

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror CHARLES FUCKIN’ WIDMORE!!

@KristoffrableThey still have polaroid cameras? Something this film didn’t need to teach me! #HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorthDon’t Be Afraid of the Dark: A Guide to Bad Parenting.#HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorthEventually you’re gonna run out of film, Sally. #HashtagHorror

@Kristoffrable“We Want You” so these things are basically just Uncle Sam in dwarf form?  #HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorthLike six-shooters that have 12 bullets, or Fave Five lists with 11 people in it. #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewaan iPhone camera with picture cloud settings would win there #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Don’t hurt Guy Pearce! They want Sally! Not him!

And we reach the climatic moment as Kim (Katie Holmes) becomes desperate to save Sally (little girl I didn’t bother learning the name of because we’ll never see her again). Sally proves that with a flashlight she can destroy one of these little rat/squirrel/gremlin/rabid smurfs but… sadly, Kim suffers a broken leg and is pulled through the vent to disappear. This might have actually only been the second death. If she died. The voice at the end sure sounds like her…

@TheSupremeForceIf only the Rock was in this movie, he’d show those things the TRUE Tooth Fairy.

@Kristoffrable“Kim?” Kim is dying right now and can’t make it to the phone, but if you would leave your name... #HashtagHorror

@MrsZigglesWorthWhat am I most looking forward to? The end of this movie!#HashtagHorror

@KristoffrableMoral of the story…it’s all that little girls fault! #HashtagHorror

@FamousPlewa#HashtagHorror Overall rating 0.5 out of 5 stars.