Its a three hour Raw because…. because… well there’s really no good reason for this to be three hours tonight.  But lets hope something fun happens.

Teddy Long gets pain to introduce John Cena.  I guess WWE is picking on Lillian Garcia before she does anything foolish this week.  Cena is introduced for the contract signing.  Brock’s music plays but its the much less exciting John Laurinaitis that comes out instead.  Johnny pushes back the contract signing three hours.  Ratings grabber!  Teddy gets talked down to, everyone looks foolish and something anything needs to be done to correct this abysmal opening to Monday Night Raw.

You Think You Know Me…..

Its short haired Edge!  Looks like he saw the edge of some scissors.  Edge addresses that in a couple days he’s no longer under contract.  I really hope its the end of his wrestling contract and that WWE will continue to pay him something for, well for as long as he’s alive.  Edge says that the John Cena in the ring across from him is not the John Cena he wrestled numerous times.  Its How Cena Got His Groove Back.  Edge says that all is lost if John Cena loses.  What was just a match has become a battle between wrestlers and money grabbers.

Its a damn shame the PPV is so close.  I would love to see this angle be explored further.  The Rock came in for a pay day and left.  While Jericho was a fan first and a great wrestler, in recent years he could be thrown on that list as well.  He leaves then comes back when its convenient for him.

Speaking of…

Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston.

Its a damn shame that Raw doesn’t have any good announcers.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler spend 90 if not 99 percent of the duration of this match calling anything but the match.  Lets talk about the ongoing feud between CM Punk and Jericho and ignore Kofi busting his ass in the ring.  Kingston is putting on a main event level match with a main event level wrestler.  This should be a moment to build up Kofi.  To show how amazing he is.  To convince the fans that this is a future world champion.  But no, lets debate on if CM Punk washed down his lunch with a pint.

Kofi comes spinning up with a Trouble in Paradise attempt.  Jericho catches him and rolls for a Walls of Jericho attempt.  It was a nice spot that will look even nicer when next they wrestle.  Jericho gets better the more times he faces an opponent.  If Jericho had caught Kofi and spun in the direction Kofi’s body was going to lock on the Walls it would have looked that much cooler.  Instead he stops all momentum and then turns in the opposite direction.  For flow of momentum and physics check out the finish of the match.  Kofi comes flying off the top and Jericho catches him for the Code Breaker.  Then its a Walls of Jericho submission just for fun.  Great showing by Kofi, probably will be the match of the night.

Classic video of Brock Lesnar destroying current TNA wrestler Jeff Hardy.

There has been no mention of anything trending tonight.  This is really strange.  Not as strange as Taco Bell’s new slogan, “Live Mas”.  I bet I’ll live a lot mas if I don’t eat Taco Bell.

R-Truth vs. Lord Tensai.

Tensai absolutely destroys Truth.  Over powers, no sells, and then throws in a variety of moves and some speed too.  Damn Tensai might become a phenom.  I’m not saying he’s equal to the Undertaker.  But Lord Tensai could become a new feature attraction much like ‘Taker.  Big guy who can wrestle and has an aura of mystery around him?  Yeah, I’d buy a ticket to see that guy.

Kane comes out and cuts a promo that’s far too long and boring for my interests.  I may have actually fallen asleep during it.  In fact I did.  Is it time for Smackdown yet?  Hey look Randy Orton is going to say something I don’t care about now.  Orton has Paul Bearer tied up!  Cameo appearances rule!  Orton throws Paul Bearer into something.  Maybe a walk in freezer.  Maybe its Mr Freeze’s lair.  Kane says he doesn’t care about his dad, because he’s a monster.  Well.  Guess Paul Bearer shouldn’t count on any cards in the mail this June.  Randy runs down and has a fight with Kane.  Its all meant to build up their match at Extreme Rules but if its even possible I care less about this match than I did for their ‘Mania bout.

Hey Lawler, you obviously didn’t pay attention to Edge’s speech.  Its not “his friend John Cena”.  Its his “greatest opponent who has earned his respect” John Cena.  There is a huge difference between the two.

I think I’ll wait to comment on the CM Punk story from tonight’s show.  Hopefully its a swerve.

Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez) and Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show (Intercontinental champion) and the Great Khali.

788 pounds?!  This is the biggest tag team in wrestling history right?  Holy crap that’s a lot of human being coming down to the ring.  Khali sells his “injury” from Smackdown and that’s the best ring work he’s ever done.  Michael Cole reminds us that Show and Khali beat the tag team champions last week.  So why not have them battle two people who have never previously teamed?  And not the tag champs.  Perfect booking sense!

Speaking of the booking, this ends up being a long match for a whole lot of nothing.  Big Show needs to be both the smaller wrestler who gets beaten down by the heels AND the man to rally back because Khali is just fucking worthless.  Del Rio walks out on the match. He is the lucky one.

Alright this is actually really cool.  WWE will have a pre show for the PPV on YouTube.  Go on to YouTube and watch a US title match – Santino vs. The Miz for free before the PPV.  That is brilliant.  Its like the old Free For Alls.  Honestly, it could lead to more ppv buys as well.  Who would have thought WWE would be leading the way in the digital age.

Chris Jericho tells Johnny Ace and Teddy Long and for some reason Eve is there as well – he tells them about Punk’s drinking.  Eve says she has been reading WWE policy – where is this book?! – and any WWE Superstar must refrain from alcohol 24 hours before wrestling. HA!  Hahahahahahahahahha!  Where to begin?  Hawk, Scott Hall, Eddie Guerrero, Jeff Hardy, and I’m sure there are many more I’m forgetting.

Brock Lesnar has arrived and beats up Josh Matthews.  It is just not a good day for Tough Enough alumni.

I got a text tonight from two time Team Hellions podcast guest, the Educator.  He asked me, hey weren’t the Bellas supposed to be leaving WWE?  I said yes I thought they were and I cant imagine any reason for them to still be with the company.  Then I saw the matching camel toe outfits the twins are sporting tonight.  And the reasons for their employment is all too obvious.

Eve comes out before this match starts.  Oh good she can be part of the Johnny Ace shit that no fans actually care about!  “The Bellas tend to cheat and the other Divas stand around here doing nothing.”  Wow.  I may have to re-evaluate my opinions on Eve.  That was one of the best and most truthful lines said on Raw in a long time.

Nikki Bella vs. Beth Phoenix (Divas champ) in a Lumberjill match.

Everything in this match shows what’s wrong with the Divas division.  I see numerous women on the outside and it takes me a few minutes to realize who is who.  Beth has to wrestle shitty just to dumb down her work enough for Nikki to look like a threat.  Instead of watching some great wrestling the Bellas skanky attire is only causing the WWE Universe to wonder if twin magic extends to symmetrical labias.  Beth then leaps out of the ring and twists her ankle.  This is the only hope in the match.  If Beth really injured herself and the title change was scripted on the fly, then its acceptable.  But that is the only way I can accept a Bella with gold.

CM Punk plays drunk.  I really hope he’s playing and this isn’t going somewhere too horrible.

Teddy Long is out in the ring with two cops about to give CM Punk a sobriety check.  Jericho is out first.  There is a line drawn down the middle of the ring.  Either Punk is going to have to walk that line to prove he isn’t drunk or Punk and Jericho just cant share a bedroom any longer and no You’re gonna have to stay on your side!!!!

Punk milks this for as long as possible.  Seriously, its fun but this thing goes on for what seems like two hours.  It was a ruse all along!  Punk drops the facade and gets int a great fight with Jericho.  Not that I’m blurring real life and the show, and that is my reason for not wanting CM Punk to be drunk.  I just want a better story line than that.

Classic Brock Lesnar destroys current TNA manager Hulk Hogan.  I’m sure two TNA talents in a row is just coincidence.

Sheamus (World champion) vs. Mark Henry with special guest referee – Daniel Bryan!

Oh this is brilliant.  Bryan is such a great asshole heel.  The guy you love to hate.  Approaching Roddy Piper levels of love/hate.  Its a quick match but the point of this was not to show anything between Sheamus and Henry.  Bryan provokes Sheamus, which keeps the previous story going.  If Sheamus hits an official then he’s fired and right now Bryan counts as an official.  Sheamus turns around into a wall named Mark Henry.  Bryan counts a really fast three count.  Great angle.

Funkasaurus and Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger in a Taco Bell sponsored match.  What the fuck?  For real?

Epico and Primo (tag team champions, with Rosa) vs. Zack Ryder and Santino Marella (US champ).

While Zack and Santino could be a great entertaining team they should not be the ones challenging the tag champs tonight.  What about the new to Smackdown team of Titus O’Neil and Darren Young?  Or how about the team we tried to get trending tonight – #SaveReksAndHawkins ?

WWE has done nothing but tell me that tag team wrestling and the titles don’t matter.  I’m going to just ignore the match.  Santino gets the pin for his team.  So the tag champs continue to look like shit.  Well, Ring of Honor still has tag titles that matter.  Its not totally dead.

FunkHorn vs. ZigSwag.

Neither team name is official, I just didn’t feel like writing all of that again.  This is the Doritos match.  And the Taco Bell match.  Two comedy tag team matches in a row.  On a three hour show.   That’s just lazy booking.  Swagger and Ziggler are far better wrestlers than to be wasted in this match.  I can accept Funky as a gimmick but I cant accept him dragging down good talent.  Vickie Guerrero gets involved, her team is DQ’ed.  The ClayMates give Vickie some shit.  Vickie tries to dance and this whole thing is a colossal waste of time.  “I cant believe we just sat through that.”  Fuckin A I agree with Michael Cole for once.

Classic Brock Lesnar is shown defeating current TNA wrestler Kurt Angle.   Hmmmm….. maybe this isn’t a coincidence.  It is damn funny though.

There’s only one thing left to do on Raw and apparently it needs damn near 30 minutes to unfold.  The same Brock video that we’ve seen a dozen times already since his return airs.  Johnny comes out, then Brock, then John Cena refuses to come out.  Well since Cena isn’t there Brock decides to redo his own contract.

This might be brilliant.  Brock wants to be in charge of WWE, he wants to decide for Laurinatis.  (I don’t care how its spelled.)  Brock wants a private jet.  Lesnar’s demands grow and grow.  Johnny is in fear over this monster he has unleashed on WWE.  This could be great.  I mean we’re months away from seeing it, but I think John will have to beg Cena to take out Brock.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Brock will be too much for Johnny to handle.  The only way to save WWE will be to destroy Lesnar.  Damn if I’m right about this is could be some great stories going all summer long.

“Monday Night Raw… starring Brock Lesnar.”  Yeah, this could be great.  Johnny agrees to all of it.  I really want to see a new opening video to Raw next week.  I’m also expecting Brock to win at Extreme Rules.  After all of that John Cena is ready to come out.  There’s a lot of staring and barely a word spoken.  Sure, I’m excited for the upcoming match.  But this closing angle did nothing for me to order the show.  Cena looks like a scared child.  I don’t want to pay fifty bucks to see a kid get beat up.