I’m not a typical “let’s review a show” person. I give my top four, or have something lingering to say, but this Rumble was screaming for a review. And not for the right reasons.

Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Show in a Triple Threat Cage Match

I was resigned from the beginning to Daniel Bryan winning this. I’m not a Daniel Bryan fan, I am a Big Show and Mark Henry fan, however neither of the big men should have won this for storyline purposes. They need to get these two out of the title picture. Henry is injured, again, which does not come as a surprise. In the last few months he’s been doing more than he has in years, and while he is brilliant his body is just not used to the workload. I still love Big Show but he does nothing for the title. Daniel Bryan was a logical choice because Bryan could further an interesting storyline.

Was this match stellar? No, of course not. Everyone predicted two big men would go for him, get distracted by each other, and Daniel Bryan would get out. I did like the ending, though. It showed a huge amount of trust in Big Show from Bryan and played off that Big Show is still a pretty strong guy, thus making his not simply crushing Bryan a bit unbelievable, but hey, this is wrestling. Daniel Bryan falls out of Big Show’s grip onto the floor for the win. Sadly, this was my favorite non-rumble match.

Beth Phoenix, The Bellas, and Natalya vs. Kelly Kelly, Eve, Alicia Fox, and Tamina

Team Phoenix come out first and who did not get a kick out of the matching turquoise shimmery outfits? Already I knew this was the team I would be rooting for. Team Kelly came out next with three of them dressed in orange (and not even matching orange) and Tamina dressed in black. Tamina didn’t get the memo.

I was expecting a crap match to be honest since that’s WWE’s way of booking divas. Instead there was an actual pretty well done back and forth. It was not great, but by diva standards it lasted longer than it would have typically and the women did their best to put on a good show. What more can you say about that? The winners, Team Phoenix.

John Cena vs. Kane

When I did my predictions for this match I was torn. I did not see Cena winning it, despite storylines going into Wrestlemania, they were just not going to bury Kane that fast. I knew it was going to be Kane or No Contest. It did end up going no contest. So, a Cena match that ended with neither man looking awful by WWE standards and then got to do more damage to Ryder afterward. Well that was… pointless.

Brodus Clay vs. Drew McIntyre

As soon as Drew came out I nearly cried. There went my rumble pick! Okay, so I never thought he’d actually win the rumble but I did think they would give him a good showing so he could flip off Teddy Long with it. No, instead they gave him a squash match on a PPV. Drew gave the best showing against Brodus Clay to date, but Clay did not need another squash match, he needed to show us that he could wrestle a decent match. This match was not it. Drew tried his best, but in the long run his best could not hold out. And by long run I meant, after about a minute Clay decided he was done. I will not be able to like Clay until he starts, you know, wrestling matches.

CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler

Again, we all knew CM Punk was going to win. Well, the majority of us did. But what the Hell happened during this match? Two men who are entertaining to watch in the ring became a joke for pin-falls while no one was looking. Hello, no one is looking. STOP TRYING TO PIN EACH OTHER.

Laurinaitis brought out an actual ref because he did not want to have any reason to be fired the next day and be called on for cheating in Ziggler’s favor. Instead, the first time Punk goes to get the pin, the ref has been hurt and Laurinaitis is trying to check on him. Ziggler takes the opportunity while Punk is distracted to try to pin him. Then back to Punk. Back to Ziggler. All right, stop. Especially since Punk, in the long run, did win. The back and forth was ultimately just a waste of time. If you wanted Punk to win cleanly, let him win cleanly. I love Ziggler, I secretly was rooting for him, but why is it more odd lately to have a match like this just won cleanly then to have a bunch of mishaps?

The Royal Rumble

Holy Hell, what was the WWE thinking? I am not talking about the Sheamus win. That did not bother me, I did not want Jericho to win because it was too obvious. Sheamus and Jericho did put on an excellent show at the end of the rumble as the last two men in the ring. Cody Rhodes did surprise the Hell out of everyone by being the man with the most eliminations. WWE did piss off many by leaving Kane out just because they did not want him beating Shawn Michaels’ record.

Miz lasted the longest. Good job, Miz. However, this is not an achievement as worthy of praise as people are giving it. Miz eliminated guy number two and guy number three, Alex Riley and R-Truth. Then lasted nearly fifty minutes with not one other elimination. How was this some great achievement? He lasted. Huzzah. Give him a lollypop but Miz either should have made an even stronger showing or been eliminated shortly thereafter.

What made me the most angry about this rumble is the wasted spots. Why are Lawler and Cole going into the ring when you have guys like Curt Hawkins or Trent Barreta still waiting for their chance to shine? Let’s bring back Khali to eliminate Jinder Mahal instead of giving fan favorite William Regal a chance. Hacksaw Jim Duggan instead of Goldust, who actually has a storyline going. The Road Dogg instead of Tyson Kidd. Sure, good job WWE. Let’s continue to remind everyone we are clinging to men who no longer wrestle, or men who should not be anywhere near a ring in the first place, instead of pushing the young talent who can still move.

Highlights of the rumble: Ricardo Rodriguez coming out to Alberto Del Rio’s music and then having a good time in the ring. Mick Foley vs. Santino, er, Socko vs. the Cobra. Cody Rhodes shining through with six eliminations (yes, some of those are assists but by WWE calculations, they count). It just was not enough to make this show great. Nor were the milkshakes consumed for our drinking game. No, this rumble was a major disappointment to me because once again WWE showed how they can ruin their own storylines.