Oh yeah, I’m way behind in watching TNA.  But there is actually a few things I’m interested in this week (and next, and next) so lets get to watching some TNImpact.

 

Impact Wrestling June 16, 2011.

Highlights from the PPV open the show.  New TNA world champion Mr Anderson comes out.  Anderson talking for fifteen minutes to open the show is not one of those segments I was waiting for.  Gunner wants a title match.  Next segment and Brother Devon, who has been away for so long I thought he retired, has a match against Hernandez.  I like to think Hernandez and Samoa Joe sit backstage and talk about who is being used worse in TNA.  The Pope comes out, and hangs out with Devon’s kids.  Mexican America (and what a lazy ass name for a faction) interferes.  The Pope decides his career isn’t going anywhere as a heel so why not turn face and help out Devon.

People talking, people talking, we’re at least 40 minutes into where wrestling matters here.

Kid Kash vs. Jimmy Rave vs. Austin Aries

This is what I was looking forward to!  Wasn’t he called Austin Idol during his last run in TNA?  Anyways, Impact is putting emphasis on the X Division right before the X-centric (HA!) Destination  X PPV.  Austin is the star of this match, as he should be.  You don’t become a Ring of Honor world champion without talent.  Its not even his high risk style, although he is fantastic there.  Just look at the way Aries drops an elbow.  Its innovative, you cant help but watch, and he doesn’t have to worry about breaking his neck while attempting it.  Aries hits a kick to the temple, a drop kick in the corner and a brain buster all on Rave.  Jimmy isn’t getting up before the three count.

Rosita and Sarita (Knockouts tag team champions) vs. Velvet Sky and Ms Tessmacher

I forgot TNA had Knockouts tag team titles.  They certainly aren’t defended with any regularity.  The men in Mexican America are banned from ringside.  Somehow, the fans don’t care about this.  I don’t know who trained Ms Tessmacher, but they need to start training WWE’s home grown Divas.  She’s not perfect I admit, but she should not be as good as she is this fast.  The match is damn near all Velvet and Tess.  Overwhelmingly so.  There wasn’t even a hot tag spot.  ODB appears in the crowd and Velvet gets distracted.  Rosita and Sarita take advantage of the distraction and double team Tess allowing Rosita to get the pin.

ODB challenges Velvet allowing Jackie to make her return and begin the sneak attack.  The two former Knockouts beat the hell out of Sky and smack around security until they’re pretty much bored and allow security to hold them back.

More talking and backstage shenanigans.  This should be called Impact Things That Don’t Happen in Front of the Crowd.

Samoa Joe vs. Rob Van Dam

Congratulations TNA, you’ve buried Joe so well I have no desire to watch a match I would have drooled over just 2 years ago.  Anyways, RVD hits a Frog Splash for the pin.

Gunner vs. Mr Anderson (TNA World champion)

I did a write up a couple weeks ago about Gunner so I’ll give this match a try.  Anderson attacks Gunner’s neck and back like he’s preparing to break them for the pin fall.  Gunner gets an opportunity when Anderson misses a splash.  He’s the master of the follow though.  Any time Gunner kicks or swings with a clothesline he commits to the move with his entire body.  It makes every move look like it has just that bit more devastation than when anyone else does it.  Anderson fights back and gets his personal mic to drop down from the ceiling.  This takes far too much time and Gunner fights back.  He hits a firemans carry slam and pins Anderson!  This means Gunner has pinned the world champion (Anderson tonight and Sting last week) two weeks in a row.

A whole lot of people talk into the camera from way too close a distance.

Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett fight in a parking lot.  Because its one of the few matches they haven’t had yet.  Ohhhh, I hope there’s a scaffold next week!  Jarrett is the one left laying and Kurt walks away.  Which means this probably isn’t over yet.  Joy.

Next episode!  I used to think that TNA was more enjoyable if you watched it like a season set of a TV show.  That stuff pays off episodes later.  Well, lets see what happens this week.

Talking talking, dead God does the talking ever stop?  Oh good, nearly twenty minutes into the show and finally we have a match.  I hope its something exciting so the crowd pops and gets into the match and in turn the entire show.  Who’s music is that?  Oh, fuck this.

Scott Steiner vs. Bully Ray

The only people who can move in this match are the fans who decided this is the perfect time to get some drinks.  Bully Ray sneaks in the chain and hits Steiner with it for the pin.  Well, I’m glad I didn’t spend too much time on that match.

More and more talking.  I hear more dialogue on here than most sitcoms.

Velvet Sky and Ms Tessmacher vs. ODB and Jackie.  No Holds Barred match.

The two former Knockouts have to enter through the crowd.  You know, because they aren’t actually employees.  Does anyone buy that plot device anymore?  The ladies start to fight on the entrance ramp and I think they’ll end up everywhere else before this is done.  Its actually a violent nasty brawl and I’m shocked nothing had to be edited out.  TNA, where double stick tape matters!  The action returns to the ring and Tess is the one that takes the beating.  What was an angle to make Velvet a serious competitor has become a contest where Ms Tessmacher gets the shit beat out of her and pays her dues.  ODB distracts the referee and Jackie gives a big boot to Velvet’s yambag pie.  Velvet is in too much pain and thus she takes the pin.

Talking, talking, an absurd amount of dialogue.

Matt Morgan and Crimson vs. Beer Money

Take a look at Morgan, Crimson.  That is how your career could turn out.  Take the first offer WWE sends you.  Beer Money out wrestles Morgan without any room for argument.  They’re much better than Crimson as well, but Big Red is getting a big push right now so he isn’t made to look so out classed.  Roode hurts his shoulder, but still lifts Storm over the top rope.  This  only aggravates the shoulder more and Matt Morgan slams then pins the now newly injured Robert Roode.

More talking.  Then AJ Styles comes out and lets us all know that Destination X is now officially a X Division PPV.  For one night, AJ will return to the X Division and it will be within a 6 sided ring.  On paper, this show could be amazing.  Its definitely worth ordering with fingers crossed.  Samoa Joe puts over the X Division and puts over himself as the man that got the X Division over.  It would be great if Joe mattered anymore.  Joe is about to challenge AJ when Christopher Daniels comes out.  Taz reminds us that Daniels and Styles are both members of Fortune.  Is that faction relevant anymore?  Does it actually still exist?  Daniels proposes AJ vs. himself, and screw Samoa Joe.  The match is made, and just when I thought his career had reached bottom Samoa Joe gets screwed down deeper.

Kazarian argues with Daniels about Fortune in fighting.  Samoa Joe makes fun of Frankie and then rams him into a wall.  Looks like we have a second match for Destination X.

Zema Ion vs Federico Palacios vs Dakota Darsow

Its an X Division showcase and this is the first Impact appearance for all three men.  I’m not familiar enough with any of them and it will be tough to tell them apart as this gets going.  But I have a lot of hope that these three guys will go all out to get noticed.  Its a spot fest with three guys who do not look distinctive enough from each other.  I find myself thinking back to last week, did I care about Austin because I’ve seen him before, or because he was different?  Zema Ion hits a 450 splash on Darsow for the pin.  It wasn’t a horrible match, but not in the least memorable.  Well, except to Ion.

Rob Van Dam talks about being X Division before such a thing existed.  Jerry Lynn cameo!

Mickie James (Knockouts champion) vs. Winter.  Street Fight.

The match starts back in the locker room.  Well, the set that is designed to look like a locker room.  Seriously, Learning the Ropes had a more convincing set.  Winter starts to whip Mickie with a belt and I’m ready to give up.  Its death match painful.  The fight leads up a flight of stairs and now the women are fighting on the entrance ramp.  Mickie starts to fight back and Winter narrowly avoids the leather belt.  James mounts Winter and they roll all they way down the ramp down to ringside.  TNA seems to be on a mission lately to show how hardcore their ladies can be.  Mickie flies off the top with a dropkick and this match is now in the ring.  The referee tends to Winter allowing Angelina Love to sneak into the ring and take out Mickie.  Thankfully the referee didn’t see this because its a street fight.  Which would mean no disqualification.  Anyways, Winter pins Mickie and will now most likely get the next title shot.

Abyss (X Division champion) vs. Sting

Sting starts the match early and comes at Abyss so fast that he overwhelms the beast.  Sun Tzu doesn’t have a plan to counter Sting’s assault and Abyss is knocked out of the ring.  The monster takes a moment to refocus and now uses his size advantage to overwhelm Sting.  Now that Sting is down Abyss consults the Art of War for guidance.  My version doesn’t have the chapter that reads, pull out a work glove wrapped in barbed wire and use it on your opponent.  Abyss’s copy must have a different translation because that’s exactly what he does.  Sting avoids the gauntlet and knocks Abyss down for long enough to steal the glove away from him.  Sting puts the glove on and starts beating Abyss.  The goliath is busted open and Sting has never looked more deranged.

And now for the most recent episode.  Impact Wrestling from June 30, 2011.

Hulk Hogan comes out to talk about the world title picture.  Mr Anderson has some things to say, Sting comes out in new full Joker face paint.  Sting attacks Hogan, Anderson runs away and Sting cuts a promo on Hulk.  I cant believe I’m saying this, but the Joker gimmick works.  If only TNA was bigger, this Sting-Joker gimmick could be huge.  Bully Ray, Gunner, Abyss and Scott Steiner (who is now in Immortal) come out to save Hogan.

I keep forgetting to mention this, but TNA has this Bound for Glory series going on right now.  Its a way to make unimportant matches matter.  There are points and rankings and I don’t know why.

Samoa Joe vs. Brother Devon

This is another match in that series.  Which means the match doesn’t matter so they’re adding this label to it to convince you otherwise.  Joe attempts the muscle buster but Devon fights out.  Devon hits an arm drag and a power slam.  These must be the greatest arm drag and power slam ever given in the history of professional wrestling.  Because it was enough to pin Samoa Joe.  How far can one man fall?!  Tune in every week to Impact Wrestling to find out.

Matt Bentley vs. Jimmy Yang vs. Low Ki

Bentley is one of the most forgotten X Division champions ever.  Which is a shame when he’s had two reigns.  Yang comes out in full Elvis regalia.  That’s just pathetic.  Low Ki comes out as… Low Ki!  No Senshi, no Kaval, straight outta Brooklyn original version Low Ki.  The crowd pops huge for one of the most under rated wrestlers in the world.  Yang tries to skin the cat but Bentley drives Low Ki’s head into Jimmy.  There is no doubt that Low Ki is the man in this match, but surprisingly Bentley is running second.  Yang hits the flying Elvis on Bentley and then Jimmy gets his moment in the ring.  Martial arts and Elvis.  I’m either watching a lost grindhouse movie or a rejected Iron Fist villain.  Jimmy Yang looks to actually have this match won, he goes to the top for Yang time but it misses.  Low Ki climbs and hits the Warrior’s Way footstomp on Yang.  As hard as Matt tries to break the pin attempt, he’s too late and Low Ki gets the win.

Madison Rayne talks with Winter and Angelina Love about their upcoming tag match.  Angelina can suddenly talk again.  This must be a remake because she’s no longer acting like a Romero zombie.

Samoa Joe beats up some fans at a bar because they made fun of him.  He’s so damn sensitive.  Someone settle him down with an Appletini.

Winter, Angelina Love and Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James (Knockouts champion), Ms Tessmacher and Tara

So Angelina can now talk and its Miss not Ms Tessmacher this week.  Tara still rolls out on a motorcycle.  Does she still have her bike shop?  In a bit of story line continuity Mickie tries to use Winter’s belt from last week’s street fight.  Angelina is in one corner and Madison is in the other like its a three way match.  Tessmacher brings back the stink face.  Then she’s eliminated, which is the moment I realize this is an elimination match.  The Knockouts have been on fire lately while we have to suffer through Kelly Kelly and the Bellas attempting to wrestle over in WWE.  Tara gets simultaneously dropped by Winter and kicked by Angelina then Madison pisses off her partners when she sneaks in for the pin.  Angelina and Winter abandon Madison and let Mickie take her out.  Mickie comes close to pinning either opponent numerous times but the numbers are just to great for her.  Angelina is about to get the pin but Winter stops her because its “her turn”.  This disagreement allows Mickie to recover and she pins Angelina.  Its down to Winter vs Mickie.  Mickie hits the jumping DDT and get the pin to be the sole survivor of the match.

Skipping over the talking.  JB is in the ring with AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels and they make their Destination X match official.  Jerry Lynn makes his return to TNA and comes down to talk to both men.  Lynn puts over X Division and wrestling, which brings out Rob Van Dam.  Daniels puts over everyone and makes a massive X Division match for next week.  Everyone leaves, AJ is last and Gunner attacks AJ.  There is a very brief fight and I guess that’s why no one came out to help AJ.

AJ Styles vs. Gunner.  Part of the Bound for Glory series.

The red ring canvas from the contract signing is still down in the ring, and it actually looks kind of nice.  This is the third match between the two in this series.  Gunner kicks the ropes and AJ gets crotched.  One firemans carry slam later and Gunner is in the lead of the series.

Having a show with “limited commercial interruption” doesn’t mean much when there’s twenty minutes of talking.  To wrap up, Velvet Sky talks about being bullied as a child.  Must they copy everything WWE does?  Even the PSAs?  To be honest though, she might be telling the truth because Talia Madison didn’t look like Velvet Sky.  Mexican America comes out and talks to much which brings the return of the British Invasion, the return of Rob Terry to that faction, and an international feud.

Scott Steiner vs. Sting

This would have been a great match 20 or so years ago.  The Clown Prince of Crime is far too much for Scott Steiner to handle.  One Scorpion Death Drop is all it takes to defeat Big Poppa Pump.  Excellent rebirth of the Sting gimmick here.  Sting paints Steiner’s face, because spray paint is so 1998.  Bully Ray tries to save Steiner but he eats  a Stinger Splash for his troubles.  Mr Anderson runs down and takes out Sting, building up their upcoming rematch even more.  Steiner and Ray beat down Sting.  Hulk Hogan comes down to pick at the carcass.  Before anyone can hit Sting again Kurt Angle comes down and beats up Immortal.  I’m not sure if he’s doing this with a broken-freaking-neck or not.  And that’s where we end this show.