Its one day after a group of United States Navy SEALS killed Osama Bin Laden.  The men and women of WWE had nothing to do with this, but that doesn’t mean they cant celebrate like they did!  The Rock’s much hyped birthday party has been combined with a celebration of patriotism.  WWE reminds us that they were the first group to have a show after 9/11.  Two days after.  Most other TV shows had a little more sense to wait a few more days.  Granted its been ten years, but its funny to see who was on the WWE roster at the time.  Anyways, whether America mourns or celebrates apparently they do it with the WWE.

Lillian Garcia is brought back to sing the National Anthem.  She does it better than anyone WWE has ever had sing it, even celebrities at WrestleMania.  So really, if you’re going to go over the top with this (which they are) fly her in immediately.

The Raw opening has been changed to accommodate draft changes.  Del Rio is on it a lot.  If he doesn’t have the gold by SummerSlam I’ll be shocked.  I’m shocked he hasn’t had it yet, but thrilled Christian got the win.

The real reason proud Americans have come to Raw tonight is revealed.  The Rock makes his way out.  In his spare time the Rock has been attending the Iron Sheik school of ring entrances.  Raw has been on over ten minutes and I’ve yet to see an active wrestler appear.  Between the Rock hijacking the show and the ongoing Michael Cole horseshit I think there’s only going to be less than an hour of Raw that actually matters.  The Rock leads the crowd in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.  Is it possible the Great One  has humility?!  Rock talks about his life and puts over various things that have happened in his life and in Florida.  He is just about to finish up when the GM sends out a Tweet.  Michael Cole starts to read the declaration while the Rock tries to call him out.  Cole tells the Rock he’s not the same man that Rocky used to push around.  Cole is a man now.  Michael Cole, you are 42 years old.  You were a man ten years ago when the Rock pushed you around.  Cole calls the Rock “Dwayne” and says that the GM wants an apology.  The (most annoying) voice of the WWE wants an apology too.  I’m guessing the Rock tells him where to shove an apology.  Oh, I’m on the edge of my seat.  This moment could not have taken place anywhere else, as the Rock does not make his home anywhere else.  Rocky suckers in Cole and then drops three words that bring the crowd alive.  “Go Heat, bitch.”  Thanks to Twitter, I know that’s a sports reference!  Rock hits the Rock Bottom and People’s Elbow on Cole, which was long overdue.  Rock brings out someone called Pitbull.  While I hope for the former ECW tag team champions it is instead some performer.  I don’t know if this is a singer or rapper or what the hell it is.  It doesn’t sound like anything I can categorize, but not in a good way.  Sir Pitbull of Miami brings out the Miami Heat dancers because the Bella Twins were in the can, I guess.

All this time I thought MVP was Mr. 305 in the WWE.

Basketball players wish Rock a happy birthday.  Cole is out for the time being and your announce team is now Lawler, Ross and Josh.

John Morrison makes his way to the ring but R-Truth attacks him on the way out.  Truth has never looked better than he does as a heel.  Oh, for those keeping track we are now over a half hour into the show and this is the first time wrestlers have appeared.  Truth knocks JoMo down on his neck and it looks nasty.  The referees attend to Morrison and this match never starts.  The entire arena is quiet while the referees help Morrison to the back, making it all the more suspenseful when Truth rushes out to drop John on his face yet again.  No, no one has ever mentioned R-Truth and the word suspenseful in the same sentence before.  That’s how great Truth’s heel turn has been.

Jimmy Kimmel wishes Rock a happy birthday.  Do these celebrities get paid to do this, or is it out of their good will?

Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly.

Both women were traded to Raw during the supplemental draft.  With a handful of exceptions also known as the appearing on Superstars and Divas draft.  Only one move takes place in the match when the already well known and haunting music hits.  Kharma is here.  Wow, never has a woman debuted like this.  Not even Chyna.  From the lights, music, camera angles, everything.  As she walks out the Divas in the ring cant move, they are frozen in fear.  I type that only a moment before Jim Ross says it.  Kharma grabs Maryse first and drives her into the mat with an Implant Buster.  Kharma leaves the ring without touching Kelly.  So the only women she’s attacked so far are both blonde heels.

Miz yells at Alex Riley for not being in his corner.  Miz says Riley is under a personal contract to him and thus does not have to honor the trade to Smackdown.  Hopefully this goes somewhere, because A-Ri isn’t that bad a wrestler but needs to get out of Miz’s underfoot to grow.

More people say things to the Rock.  I’m in pain from being dragged along with this.

Rock sings to the Divas, who are all dressed up for America!  No, of course not, they’re all dressed up because WWE has no use for them.  Zack Ryder cameo!!!  Its easy to see who wont be wrestling on Raw tonight, because they’re all in suits.  Except for the comedy team, who are dressed as characters from Rock’s movies.  Ron Simmons is brought back down from the attic to lay some “Damn!” on the situation.

Even more birthday wishes!

The Miz (with Alex Riley) vs. John Cena (WWE Champion).

An hour into Raw and the first match might be taking place.  It at least starts, which is more than I can say for the other ones.  The match keeps up an intense pace and it feels like these two are rushing a potentially good match for the sake of TV time.  Definitely being rushed, as only a few minutes in (minus commercials) Cena already has Miz locked in an STF.  Miz makes his way to the ropes to break the hold while Riley cheers him on.  Miz and Cena get a good exchange going on and when this feud is done I think Miz should thank Cena for making him look good.  Cena escapes a finisher attempt from Miz but the referee gets bumped out.  Riley tries to attack John and fails, but it allows Miz to hit Cena with the still present briefcase.  It takes the referee just long enough to get back in the ring and Cena barely kicks out from this assault.  Miz gets frustrated, allowing Cena to recover.  John hits the Attitude Adjustment and… Miz kicks out?!  Never did I see that one coming.  Alex distracts the referee yet again and Miz hits Cena with the title.  Miz pins John Cena!  We have a new champion!

Miz is trying to hide the title so the referee doesn’t see it.  That’s never happened.  The referee always ignores weapons or extra people in the ring.  Alex Riley is celebrating with the Miz now.  The referee will just assume that Riley brought the title over to the Miz right?  No?!  The referee reverses his decision and disqualifies the Miz.  John Cena is still the WWE champion.

That showed no consistency with years  and years of wrestling booking from all over the world.

Fuck!  Again?!  More people say happy… you know by now.

After the show stopped last night at Extreme Rules, John Cena announced to the crowd that Osama Bin Laden was “caught and compromised to a permanent end”.  Wow.  We cant say dead in PG WWE?  Bon Jovi should perform John Cena’s next entrance song and call it “Wanted Compromised to a Permanent End or Alive”.

Alberto Del Rio gets a grand entrance only to sit at the announce table.  This next match will feature wrestlers that were recently drafted to Raw.  A sort of introduction to the Raw audience.  Because according to WWE, people don’t watch both shows.

Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston (US Champion) vs. Jack Swagger and Drew McIntyre.

Drew comes out to Jack’s theme music.  I’ll guess this means he gets the pin so his, much better by the way, theme can play later.  Any one of these guys could be wearing Raw’s main title by the end of the year.  Jim Ross and Lawler put over Swagger as being deceptively strong, which means a lot coming from them after wrestling Swagger last night.  ADR starts calling Rey a chihuahua.  I’m shocked that’s not an official WWE nickname for him.  The rabid chihuahua!  Rey hits a 619 on Drew for the pin.  Well I called that one wrong.  Del Rio and Rey begin their feud.

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph show up at Rock’s party.  And they bring a massive cake.  Which is hiding Mae Young.  Old jokes and pie  jokes abound.  Rock gives Mae a kiss.  Isn’t that sweet?  John Cena shows up at the party claiming he’ll keep the WWE title until Mania and put it on the line against  the Rock.

Is that Billy Kidman in the background picking up women that should be out of his league?  Some things never change.

Mason Ryan (of Nexus, with CM Punk) vs. Kane (1/2 WWE Tag Team Champions)

Mason is absolutely destroying Kane.  Manhandling the monster, even.  Punk tries to interfere but gets a clothesline for his troubles.  This is enough to call for the DQ.  Ryan powers out of a chokeslam attempt and I have never seen that before in my life.  Ryan hits a Rock Bottom variation on Kane and Nexus swarms  to attack.  Big Show runs down to save his tag team partner.  Show takes out everyone except for Ryan.  Mason hits a big spear on the Big Show and the giant is out.  Wow.  Tonight in the WWE Universe a star was born.

The Rock comes out to close the show.  He asks everyone if they had fun tonight but does not ask if they Wang  Chunged tonight.  Mr. McMahon comes out for the Rock’s birthday.  Vince plays a Rock tribute video.  Will this public blow job never end?!  That might be something that was never said before.  Its a nice video but for fuck’s sake I don’t celebrate my own birthday this long.  Mya comes back from the Moulin Rogue to sing to the Rock.  Fireworks and balloons go off and thank God this is finally over.