Coming off of “the most historic WrestleMania ever”!  I would greatly disagree on that one.  Not one title change at Mania?  That equals not historic.  In fact, without blood this PPV might be just as bloody as Mania was historic.

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk Last Man Standing match.

Being in the opening match of a major PPV doesn’t do anything for the rumors that CM Punk will be leaving WWE soon.  Randy Orton still looks like he cant grow a beard or has rolled his face in dirt.  Your announcers at this point are Josh Matthews, Jerry Lawler and Booker T.  The GM bans the rest of Nexus from ringside, but at least they got some camera time so their parents can be proud.  Punk removes a turnbuckle pad before the match begins.  Orton goes on the offensive first and bounces Punk against every metal surface around the ring.  Orton thinks Punk is trying to hide under the ring and gives chase.  Instead, Randy takes a kendo stick to the abdomen.  Punk beats Randy down and then poses like his favorite GI Joe while the referee starts a ten count.  Its not enough to take the Viper down yet.  There is no sound quite like a kendo stick hitting bare skin.  Its like snapping a cluster of wet celery stalks while inside an echo chamber.  The Straight Edge Superstar slingshots Randy into the exposed metal turnbuckle ring that was set up so long ago.  While Orton suffers in one corner Punk sets up a chair in the other.  Randy and Punk trade finishing move attempts and it ends with Punk getting run through the same chair he just propped up.  Orton starts to dismantle the announce table for his next devastating attempt.  Its the first match!  You cant destroy the table in the first match!  Its  not like its a prop table that can be snapped back together!  What’s that?  Oh.  Back to the match.  CM Punk hits a GTS and Randy barely makes the ten count.  Orton pops up at the 9, enough to break the count, and then drops back down.  A good move that makes that finisher look all the more dangerous.  Punk hits a Russian leg sweep onto a chair but its still not enough to take down Randy.  A second leg sweep is attempted but Orton reverses it into an RKO.  Its not enough to keep CM Punk down for the ten but its close.  Punk traps Orton’s neck inside a chair and runs the chair into the ring post.  Everyone thinks its all over for Orton and Punk sets up for the GTS on the announce table.  Orton slides out of it and hits an RKO on the table.  Punk rolls off the table and lands on his feet, thus barely breaking the ten count.  Orton teases a Punt against Punk’s head and the steel steps.  CM Punk moves away in time and drops Randy’s head on the steps.  Orton catches Punk trying to come off the top rope and assaults Punk with the kendo stick.  CM Punk is dangling from the ropes and Orton helps him down with a flying RKO.  Both men are down and Orton just makes it to his feet at the count of 9.  CM Punk does not stand, and Randy Orton wins the match.

Sheamus demands to see Kofi’s birth certificate because Kofi is not a US citizen and thus shouldn’t compete for the US title.  Yes, the whole joke is that Sheamus isn’t from the US either.  Thank you for playing along.

John Morrison does parkour.  There is nothing like watching commercials and backstage segments during a fifty dollar PPV.

Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus (US Champion) Tables Match

After this week’s draft, Sheamus is on Smackdown and Kofi is on Raw meaning this match will decide which show has ownership over the title.  Josh brings up some excellent story continuity and reminds us all that Sheamus won the WWE title in a tables match.  If Sheamus loses this match does he have to throw out his current red white and blue ring gear?  Sheamus nearly gets knocked off the apron and through a table.  While the Celtic Warrior struggles to hang on Kofi gets a running start.  Kingston is met with a flying shoulder tackle for his troubles.  Sheamus starts using tables as weapons and not just as an obstacle to win the match.  Kofi bounces around the ring, avoiding every attempt Sheamus makes to put him through a table.  He straddles one table to avoid going through, and overshoots another.  Sheamus and Kofi fight for position on the top rope.  Neither man gets it so they refocus their efforts on the table outside the ring.  Everyone forgot that table was out there.  Sheamus is knocked out of the ring and uses the table to pull himself up.  Kingston takes advantage and comes flying off the top rope, through Sheamus and through the table.  Kofi Kingston is the new US Champion.

Kofi is becoming the Ric Flair of secondary titles.

Todd Grisham interviews R-Truth.  Truth is claiming to be a conspiracy victim.  With a name like Truth that’s not a bad idea.

Michael Cole match.  As frequent readers of this column know, I refuse to be a part of this storyline.  We’ll see you back here at the end of this match.

Well THAT happened.  Whatever that is, like I said I didn’t watch the match.

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes.  Falls Count Anywhere match.

Cody comes out with his bag handlers.  This might go down as one of the best gimmicks in the last ten years.  I’m a big fan of super villain Cody.  Only a minute in and this match has already been taken to the ramp.  Rey dives from the ramp to the floor but he still cant keep Cody down.  Mysterio flew too.  If you’re going to create a super villain it only makes sense to have a super hero for him to fight.  The fight moves into the bleachers.  Cody weaves Rey into the handrail and locks on a Boston Crab.  Rhodes has a vicious streak in him and needs to be wearing gold by the end of the year.  Cody takes a bad bump on the floor by the concession stands.  Can a super villain get some ice?  Cody leaps off the soda bar area and hits his trademark springboard kick to Rey’s head.  Rey answers by leaping off the other side of the stand.  The fans start to chant “this is awesome” and for once its during a match that deserves it.  Either Cody forgot the spots or Rey is creating ones on the fly.  The two comic book characters make their way back to the ring and trade more two counts.  Mysterio sets up for the 619 and purposely exposes his knee brace to take out Rhodes.  Its always shocking when Superman does something shady.  Cody brings back the Alabama Slam from his repertoire.  It wasn’t enough for Hardcore Holly to pick up high profile wins and its not enough here.  Rey spits a mist into Cody’s eyes and its enough to throw Rhodes off of his game.  Mysterio follows it up with 619 and a splash for the pin in the middle of the ring.  Booker T gets to drop a non WWE reference.  “Shades of the Great Muta!”

All of the Divas are in the locker room, hanging out and talking while dressed up.  Like most women do.  Layla apologizes to the locker room for being such a bitch.  The Divas say that they don’t like Layla, but they like Michelle McCool a lot less.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Oh good, Michael Cole is back on the announce team.  Is there any audio option in which I can just eliminate anything Cole says but keep the rest of the audio?

Michelle McCool vs. Layla.  Loser Leaves WWE match.

When did this become a leave WWE match?  Who pissed  off who?  Both women come out to the same music because, would you know a Layla theme if you heard it?  McCool starts off the aggressor and it takes a while for Layla to get anything going.  Michelle avoids every attempt that Layla has at  hurting her.  Some fan yells out, “best friends forever!”  I thought I’d piss myself.  Cole  calls McCool one of the all time greats.  Only if we’re only talking WWE created Divas.  Even then its tough to put her in top 10.  Behind Maria and Joy.  Layla and Michelle spend an hour trying to stand up on the barrier wall, just to jump off of it.  Layla pulls a Blockbuster out of her ass and even though its an impressive move for her its still not enough for a pin.  If these two spent as much time becoming better wrestlers as they’ve put into “acting” they could be greats.  Layla busts out a stunner variation and the crowd is shocked but its still not enough for a pin when McCool gets her foot on the ropes.  Michelle hits the Faith Breaker (poor woman’s version of the Styles Clash) and lays across Layla.  But Layla rolls with it and gets Michelle down for the pin.  Both women cry because McCool is now leaving the WWE.  I don’t even remember her arriving.   McCool is left alone in the ring to cry.  The fans chant her away, because years later no one cares about her.  Scary music and a scary cackle start to play.  Kharma debuts!!!  Kharma stalks her way down to the ring and the audience is in shock.  Kharma grabs Michelle by the hair and sets her up for the Implant Buster.  The majority of fans are awestruck by her, the few TNA fans in the house are thrilled to see the former Awesome Kong show up on the big stage.  The WWE Divas who were hanging out for no reason are watching the monitor in awe.  What an impressive debut.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian.  Ladder Match for the vacant World championship.

Ladders surrounded the ring and the crowd surrounds Christian with love.  The crowd has been good all night but this is the first moment that they were united behind one wrestler.  The announcers remind us that Edge was injured while wrestling Del Rio and also that it was Alberto that injured Christian for 6 months.  Booker T continuously puts over Christian, which makes sense as they have locked up many times in multiple companies.  Christian hides under the ring while Del Rio grabs a ladder.  Captain Charisma appears on the other side of the ring and runs across the squared circle to drop kick the ladder into Alberto’s face.  Del Rio and Christian attempt to climb the ladder only for the other to stop the progress.  Alberto not only is bigger and taller than Christian but he also has more evil intent.  Christian wants the title, to be sure, but Del Rio seems like he would kill to grasp it.  The lead Peep takes a bad bump onto the ring steps which bruises and bloodies his mid section.  Alberto shows amazing speed, running into the ring and up the ladder to pull Christian down.  The Instant Classic continues to innovate ways to destroy an opponent with the ladder.  “Christian has been in WWE nearly 13 years.”  Well, there was a few years in TNA but who’s counting?  Del Rio finds a miniature ladder and uses it to take Christian down, injured arm first.  Alberto starts to take control of the match while Christian holds his injured arm.  This becomes a great match as it enters the realm of unpredictability.  Both men swing the ladders and swing their adversary’s body towards the ladder.  Christian holds a ladder in the corner but Del Rio shows off that speed yet again and leaps to the top rope, kicking Christian in the temple.  Christian channels his inner Edge and the crowd feels it.  Thousands chant “spear” as Edge’s brother from another mother hits ADR with the family’s signature move.  Del Rio pulls Christian through the ladder, trapping him between the rungs.  Alberto climbs but Christian slips through at the last moment to knock Del Rio and the ladder down.  Christian is laying prone, stretched across a propped ladder.  Del Rio leaps from the top rope but Christian moves.  Del Rio is down!  The crowd cant be more excited as Christian climbs the ladder to capture… no!  Brodus Clay runs down to halt Christian’s victory.  Christian takes care of the big man but the distraction lasts long enough.  ADR comes in and weaves Christian’s arm through the mini ladder.  The injured arm is hurt once again, Christian is busted open, and Del Rio begins to climb the ladder to his first world title.  Is that a horn of celebration?!  No!  Edge drives out in a Jeep to distract Del Rio!  Christian gets back up and knocks down Del Rio, Clay and Ricardo with one tip of the ladder.  At some point Clay has opened up a gusher of blood.  The crowd goes insane.  Edge runs down to ringside to get the best seat in the house.  Christian grabs the gold for the first time.  Christian is the new World Champion!!!

People are crying.  Edge stays outside of the ropes, giving his best friend the moment.  Never has someone won a title that meant more.  Christian is overcome with emotion as he celebrates with Edge.   The crowd cheers  their most deserving of champions while Edge leaves to give his brother by choice the spotlight.  Beautiful moment.

Wade Barrett (Intercontinental champion) and Ezekiel Jackson of the Corre vs. Big Show and Kane (WWE Tag Team Champions).  Lumberjack match.

The lumberjacks are the guys usually seen on WWE Superstars and NXT.  You know, the online only shows.  The match was thrown on at the last minute, so it doesn’t feel worth watching.  Even  though Kane and Show are future hall of famers and the Corre guys could get into the upper echelon at any point.  Ezekiel looks to have the match won, but the “not the leader” leader of the Corre tags himself in.  Wade sets himself up for the fall and Big Show hits a choke slam for the pin.  For no good reason the lumberjacks all start a fight with each other.  Show and Kane hit double choke slams on the remaining two members of the Corre.

John Morrison vs. John Cena vs. The Miz (WWE Champion).  Steel Cage match.

Miz tries to escape the cage the moment he enters it, which was  a clever attempt.  The announcers remind us that Miz and Morrison used to be a successful tag team.  Its been over a year since Cena has been WWE champion.  It is also Morrison’s first main event match.  There’s a lot going on here.  Match goes back and forth with two men battling to escape the cage while the third recovers from his attempt.  WWE should add camera holes to their steel cages, which is one of the few brilliant things TNA has come up with.  Morrison and Miz trade punches at the top of the cage in a scene that no one could have ever predicted back in the Dirt Sheet days.  Morrison and Cena double suplex Miz off the cage and everyone thinks Miz’s neck is broken.  Josh Matthews has one of the most genuine disturbing reactions I’ve ever heard in all the years I’ve watched wrestling.  Morrison springboards off the cage and kicks Miz in the head.  JoMo then hits a flipping Book End on Cena, which means Cena flipped too!  Miz power bombs JoMo into the cage and Morrison folds in half at the impact.  Miz hits a running boot to Morrison’s head and the Miz might have the second most dangerous boot in wrestling.  The first being the Punt of course.  Cena locks on an STF and Miz crawls to the cage door attempting to escape it.  Cena and Morrison are now above the cage fighting while Miz tries to sneak out below them.  Morrison kicks  the cage door back into Miz’s head, stopping his progress.  Back in the ring, and Cena monkey flips JoMo onto his face.  Not that there is a huge age difference, but Miz and Morrison are definitely showing they can hang with the biggest dog in WWE.  John Morrison looks like he might actually win the match and the crowd is shocked.  They are just as shocked when R-Truth runs out and smashes Morrison’s head against the steel steps.  Truth enters the cage and puts the boots to JoMo.  Truth takes out Cena and Morrison, all three men are down.  Miz wakes up and sees his good fortune.  Miz climbs over the top but Cena catches him and pulls Miz back up.  Miz and Cena are now on top of the cage sharing knuckle sandwiches.  The crowd begins to cheer for Miz and boo Cena.  Miz attempts a skull crushing finale from the top rope but Cena stuffs it.  Cena picks up Miz for the Attitude Adjustment and comes crashing down from the top rope.  Cena pins the Miz and there is a new WWE Champion.  This is Cena’s tenth world title reign.

THIS should have been WrestleMania.  Better matches, more moments, title changes, debuts, retirements, highlight reel spots.  This could be up for best PPV of the year as well.