This week on Smarked for Death we have a rare TNA review for you.  TNA has been horrible lately, not even worth spending the two hours to watch it.  However, due to the magic that is YouTube, most of Impact is available on TNA’s own channel.  This must be what TNA has decided are the important parts of Impact.  Thus that is all I’m going to watch.  Now for the first YouTube Smarked for Death.

The first video to come up is called “The Aftermath of TNA Impact”.  As this is the aftermath I’m not sure why its the first video in the queue.  Bully Ray is complaining that AJ Styles cost him a title.  A world title.  As opposed to the world’s greatest dad title?  Its just a coffee mug Ray!  It must take Bully hours to sculpt his sideburns like that.  Anyways, Ray talks for a while.

Next in the queue is “Scott Steiner and Matt Morgan Brawl Backstage”.  I thought both of these guys were faces.  Not that they’re friends, but both on the side of angels at the moment.  The clip starts with Morgan throwing around chairs in the interview spot.  Steiner yells at him from behind a curtain, then throws a ream of paper at Matt.  Scott yells that he’s “not hard to find”.  Well its not like the curtain was clear there Mr Big Booty Daddy.  Steiner says that Matt will never be like him because he was only Division 2.  All the championships in wrestling don’t mean as much as the time in Michigan I guess.  Morgan crushes Scott’s windpipe against a steel chair.  Steiner starts to play chicken shit and begs for forgiveness.  Matt says that no one will get  in his way of becoming world champion.  I hate to tell you there Morgan, but Scott isn’t the one holding you back.  The guy hasn’t sniffed at the world title in over ten years.

Samoa Joe vs. Crimson.  Again, I thought both of these guys were faces as well.  Oh TNA, will you ever make sense?  I’m well aware that this is recorded in the Impact Zone but for some reason the arena looked a little bigger in this match.  Again, all the more reason that TNA needs to be on the road.  Mike Tenay says Joe is building up a head of steam.  I make more steam taking a dump.  Oh look, here comes Abyss.  Abyss attacks Crimson first and that ends the match.  Because really, why would you want to make Samoa Joe look strong?  Joe doesn’t care about Crimson’s fate and walks off.  Would a heel turn save Joe or is his character too destroyed at this point?  Abyss throws Crimson around for a few.  If it wasn’t for the height difference I would almost think that Abyss is actually Matt Hardy under a mask.  Notice there was no mention of weight difference.  Apparently the issues between these two go back months.  Well there is something I may have missed while fast forwarding through nonsense plotlines.  Abyss hits Crimson with the black hole slam and that looks to be it.  “That’s a guy with a winning streak!”  Oh, Mike Tenay.  I forgot that the whole reason to build someone up is of course to then never put the guy into a feud with anyone, ever.

Gunner vs. Daniels for the TV Title.  Well now I know its spelled Gunner and not Gunnar.  Never was quite sure about that.  I wonder if Chris appreciates seeing talent that isn’t over, respected or experienced holding a title that he has never had.  Daniels hits a beautiful BME but it doesn’t connect.  Gunner hits a move similar to Brock Lesnar’s old F5.  Don’t get mad at me for not knowing what its called.  The announcers just call it “that move”.  Nothing like your secondary title being carried by a nobody.

“Karen Jarrett Wants Answers from the Knockouts.”  This segment is at least ten minutes long.  Karen comes out with an umbrella, in case anyone in TNA creative reads Carrie again.  Kurt Angle claims he is hiring a mistress.  Karen is asking all of the women in TNA, well most of them, if any of them are having relations with Kurt.  Most remarried women want to know who the ex husband is fucking.  No really, this totally makes sense.  Is it really a mistress when they’re divorced?  The woman is a mistress/slut/assassin.  That is one packed resume.  Karen questions a woman from catering for two minutes.  I cant believe the crowd doesn’t take a massive bathroom break at once.  The woman from wardrobe is questioned next.  Karen isn’t Queen of the Mountain, she’s the queen of dead air.  Karen then accuses Miss Tessmacher of being the woman.  Miss T reads lines like a speak and spell.  TNA’s number one slut.  I thought they didn’t want “Divas”.  Karen turns this whole mess into a hate speech.  Tara gets mad at Madison during their interrogation.  Tara spits on Rayne on the way out.  This might actually be a story arc progression!  Its down to Velvet Sky and anyone who thinks Velvet’s just a blonde bimbo needs to look at Karen to see what a star fucker actually looks like.  All of this leads to something the fans might actually want to see, Velvet smacking around Karen.  The trance locked Angelina Love comes down and attacks Velvet.  Winter gets this to be an official match… but that has to wait for another video.

“Chris Sabin vs. Anarquia of Mexican America.”  An enormous Mexican flag is rolled out during their matches?  That must make anyone who paid money for those tickets real happy.  Oh wait, its TNA.  No one paid for those tickets.  Sabin blows out his knee and Anarquia picks up a quick win.  Alex Shelly makes his return and saves his tag team parter from an assault by Mexican America.

“Knockouts Champion Mickie James Speaks Out”.  The only thing Mickie James wanted was to be the greatest women’s wrestler of all time.  Which is where posing in Leg Show magazine can get you.  Mickie is usually very pretty but for some reason she looks all kinds of strung out during this speech.

“Who Is Kurt Angle’s New Woman?”  Karen’s actions are “complete moronic”.  Kurt would have worded this better but someone hacked his speaking account.  No one knows who Kurt’s new woman is but Angle promises she’ll be scary.  Not any scarier than the amount of time I’ve wasted watching TNA.

“Sting vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Bully Ray.”  A lot of things happen all at once, but it leads to AJ beating up Ray and Sting hitting Ray with a lead pipe.  Sting gets the pin and, in an original move for pro wrestling, there is controversy.

“Who Gets the TNA World Heavyweight Title Shot?”  It appears to me that TNA is not uploading these videos in order.  Watching it is becoming a choose your own adventure.  Words, words words and Hulk Hogan makes tonight’s main event.  Which I watched a minute ago.  These really need to be labeled “part 3 0f 6” or something.  It is amazing though, to see Bully Ray transform into a monster heel.  I’m still not sure that I buy it but I’m about to be open minded on it.

“Sting Smashes Mr. Anderson’s Truck.”  Something tells me this also took place earlier in the evening.  Sting also brings bottled water to all of his destruction of private property events.

“Mr. Anderson Reacts to Sting Smashing His Truck.”  I’m going to guess Kenny doesn’t like it.  Oh good, I’m right.  What to I win?!  Son of a bitch, its a DVD grab bag.  I already have the ones I wanted!  I cant even eBay these!

In an “exclusive” video Sabin discusses his knee injury suffered earlier tonight.  Is it exclusive to YouTube, or all of online, or to ReAction?  Oh, that was cancelled.  I’m guessing online exclusive.  Nasty break though for an amazing wrestler.

“Velvet Sky vs. Angelina Love.”  Its sad to see the Beautiful People fight like this but it really does show a lot of skill from both women.  Angelina is playing this brainwashed (lover?) slave to Winter brilliantly.  Winter has always been creepy and manipulative as hell.  Finally, the fans couldn’t be more behind Velvet.  And not just because they like the view.

Go figure, the best thing on TNA was the Knockouts.  However, both Knockout titles, X Division and Tag team champions had nothing going on this week.  Yet we had Gunner.