Michael Cole is introduced as the only undefeated Superstar in all of WWE.  Well that’s a shitty way to start the show.   Also a wrong way.  As Cole and Lawler lost to Legacy back in 2008.  But WWE isn’t big on history or continuity most weeks.

John Cena comes out, still clad in red.  Still talking about the Rock.  And here comes Randy Orton.  Oh, that’s right there’s another PPV coming up that needs to get booked.  Cena should step aside and give someone else the opportunity?  Didn’t Orton just have a shot at the title at Royal Rumble?  He’s also a seven time world champion.  So, yeah, how about someone else get that opportunity.  John Morrison comes out and wants a shot, hopefully he gets one now that Trish Stratus is gone.  Dolph Ziggler also wants a shot, or so Vickie Guerrero tells us.  R-Truth wants a shot, and the crowd goes ape shit?!  He wasn’t on the ‘Mania card, he barely had a run with the US title, his win loss record is atrocious, how is this guy over?!  Truth says he’s never received a one on one world title match.  Neither has Trent Barreta and your records are probably similar.  Michael Cole receives a GM email on his iPad.  This is the largest WWE technological leap since VHS.  The GM makes a series of gauntlet matches to determine the number one contender.  Well most of the matches are set for tonight.

The first hint of a major announcement from Edge is teased.

Awesome Kong hates Bratz dolls.  As one of my good friends would say, “I refuse to buy my daughter a whore doll.”  Kong kills whores!  Seriously though, I cant wait to see her show up in WWE.  She’s going to make everyone a lot of cash.

Speaking of killing whores, its the Bella twins!

Brie Bella (with Nikki) vs. Eve Torres (WWE Divas champion)

Will this be the always expected post ‘Mania title change?  Go check, within a couple weeks of Mania, every year, there’s a title change.  Eve insists that the referee marks one of the Bellas with a marker so they can be identified.  This may be the greatest move of Eve’s career.  Yet the Bellas still try for a switch.  While Eve argues with the ref the legal Bella (wouldn’t they both be over 18?) hits a facebuster for the pin.  Oh Sweet Christmas.  One of the Bellas is a champion.  And there goes last week’s column!

Top 10 WWE Superstars Who Have Never Won a Title.

Yeah I hype my own shit.

Gail Kim tries to console Eve.  Eve tells the ladies to shove it.  Gail, Natalya and Tamina all exchange strange looks.  And it looks like the women’s division is heating up!  If you could win a title by starring these women would be the Ric Flair’s of the Divas division.

Sin Cara vs. Primo

Primo is alive!  Cancel the pictures on the milk jugs!  No, no, still put the POGS on there.  Wasn’t Primo a face when last he mattered?  Pretty sure Sin Cara is intended to be a face as well.  Can someone who has yet to talk be a heel?  Also, is a jobber a face or a heel, or does he just exist?  These are the questions I ask during a match that is destined to have only one outcome.  Primo loses his job in this match as he slips and fucks up the finisher.  Sin Cara rolls with it though and hits a top rope moonsault/planting Primo’s face into the mat combo.  Or, for those of you that remember the SAT, a Spanish Fly.

More hype for the new DX DVD.  I need another DX disc like I need another Evil Dead DVD.

The Corre (aren’t they on Smackdown?!) talk about things that already happened.  The Corre argues about who is great and who sucks.  These guys are done by the draft, at the latest.  Santino’s music plays and the Corre is about to meet their nemesis.  Santino dubs his group APPLE.  Apple, core, nevermore.  Who’s your friend?

Well Santino’s friends tonight are Evan Bourne, Mark Henry and Daniel Bryan and we have a 4 on 4 tag match.  Where is Vladimir Kozlov in all this?  He might get added to my most likely to be released list.  Everyone brawls, allowing for the double team.  Gabriel sneaks a kick in on Santino and Heath hits a neck breaker on Santino for the pin.  The tag team champions at least got a chance to look strong.

Cole and Lawler run their mouths some more.  Jim Ross comes out to support Jerry Lawler.  Michael Cole gets an excuse to be his true asshole self.  I’ve never wanted someone off my TV more.  Oh not again, there’s another match in this feud.

Jerry Lawler vs. Jack Swagger

I don’t know.  Something is on the line here.  Its not my patience because that left a fucking month ago.  Oh what in the hell?  Cole and Ross yell out encouragement to their partners and that’s the announcing for this match.  Was Josh eating a sandwich?  Did Matt Striker have something  better to do?  This will go down as worst story of the year, maybe even decade.  Cole and Ross fight, Swagger tries to save his TV dinner ticket.  Swagger gets rolled up for the pin.  Jerry gets some sort of benefit out of all this shit.  The viewers however do not.  Can someone show me the quarter hour breakdowns?  I want to know how many viewers this crap looses every week.  Some sort of match will now take place at Extreme Rules.  Oh good, because I wanted to pay for this travesty.  Cole pisses off Swagger but this gives Lawler enough time to figure out a match.  Lawler and Ross vs Cole and Swagger.  Oh, see, its dramatic!  Because Cole just pissed off Swagger but now they have to team!   Hang on, I’m going to see if this can be used in a Greek tragedy class.

I’m back.  The answer was no.

WWE Superstars talk about last week’s Undertaker vs Triple H match.  It might be the most well filmed self ass kissing you’ll ever see.  All of next year’s WrestleMania is getting booked a year in advance.  I’ll be shocked in Hunter and ‘Taker don’t have round 2 (well technically round 3 of course).

Edge’s speech.  I’m going to pay attention to this.  Full attention.  Will be right back.

Well that sucks hard.  My feelings might be too much to include here.  All I can say is thank God Edge found out about this injury and that both he and those around him are level headed.  He could have died, he could have ended up in a wheelchair.  But now he can live a long, full motion life.  Thank you Edge.

Edge is shown backstage where all the Superstars see him off.  That should have ended the show, but WWE is a show that always must go on.

The Miz  (and Alex Riley) come out to watch the five man gauntlet match for the #1 Contender spot.

Randy Orton  vs. Dolph Ziggler starts off the gauntlet.  Nothing much here.  Orton starts setting up his moves but the Nex Nexus returns and distracts Randy.  Dolph rolls up Randall for the pin.  Nexus members Otunga, McGillicutty and Ryan destroy Orton.  So this story is also continuing at least until Extreme Rules.

Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth

The scary thing is that technically this is a match between two former world champions.  Yeah.  Let that sink in.  Truth pulls a finisher (lie detector?) literally out of nowhere.  The match was slow, nothing was building up, Dolph looked to be just grabbing Truth’s head. Bang!  Truth drives Ziggler’s head into the mat and Dolph is done for the night.

R-Truth vs. John Morrison

And here is where we find out if Morrison really is in the WWE doghouse.  Weren’t these two going for the tag team titles a little while ago?  Just cant get behind this match at all.  Its not a bad one, good moves, both guys trying hard.  But something isn’t there.  Morrison misses Starship Pain and Truth hits the same finisher for the pin.  That thing needs a name.

Well they didn’t have time to put together a nice tribute to Edge, but they had time to hype Edge giving up the World title this week on Smackdown.

R-Truth vs. John Cena

There is nothing to this match besides the fans alternating “Cena sucks” and “let’s go Cena” chants.  Miz and Riley attack both men and Miz thinks that means he has no opponent.  The GM responds in kind and makes Cena and Truth Number 1A and Number 1B contenders.

R-Truth in the main event of a WWE PPV.  Who would have seen that coming?

John Cena said his match against the Rock at next year’s WrestleMania will be a title match.  Isn’t a year ahead of time a little early to start a title reign?