Oh my God, its almost February.  What a crazy year already.  Lets see what sort of craziness the WWE brings us the night after the Royal Rumble.

The Raw opening features too many Divas, who only get one match a week, and too many inactive Superstars (Triple H and Evan Bourne).  Raw is live from Providence Rhode Island.  A rematch is announced for the main event, a champion vs. champion rematch from last week’s Raw.  While Edge and Miz are great, this match cant go anywhere, as both men need to look strong and set up their own title matches going forward into the Elimination Chamber and WrestleMania.

Alberto Del Rio and a Mexican parade come out to the ring.  Michael Cole tells us what car Alberto is driving this week.  Yeah, I’m watching Raw not Top Gear, I could give a shit.  Also, have you ever seen the skanks that pose in some of those magazines?

I’m at  a loss.  Pictures of girls in bed, good.  Pictures of expensive toys, good.  But both of them together?  Is it bestiality when you bring that much horsepower to bed?  I wonder if she goes axle to mouth.  Oh, wrestling, right.

Alberto announces he’ll play music, but not Justin Beiber music.  Some girls in the crowd pop like cherries.  Oh no.  Vince brought in Buff Bagwell after getting a similar reaction.  We don’t need the Beib singing America the Beautiful at WrestleMania.  Alberto lays down a challenge in Spanish and the American ego doesn’t enable me or the crowd to know what’s being said.  Miz comes out with his tail between his legs, or is that Alex Riley?, and tries to convince Del Rio to go after Edge’s World title.  Edge comes out and mocks ADR’s Spanish accent.  Del Rio is about to change his name to NAFTA, popular in Mexico, not so much in the States.  Also, Ross Perot greatly dislikes Del Rio.  Alberto announces he’ll take on Edge, Miz and Riley bail out of the ring.  ADR proves that the middle of the ring is no safe place for a guitar when he smashes it over Edge’s arm, then locks on the Del Armbar.  That means, of the arm bar.

GM Email, and no doubt a boring announcement.  But holy shit!  Seven Raw Superstars will battle for the win in a Raw Rumble match.  The winner gets a title shot at the Elimination Chamber.  The other 6 will be in the Chamber match.  Wow.  That is stunning.  Cena, Orton, Punk, Morrison, Truth, Sheamus and Jerry Lawler?!  Another must see PPV and Mania is shaping up nicely.

Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (WWE Tag Team Champions, with Tamina) vs. Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty (Nexus)

Really expecting a title switch here.  The only other team with any momentum behind them was last night’s impromptu pairing of Sheamus and Drew in the Celtic Connection.  With Sheamus in the Chamber match, I’m guessing no tag titles in his near future.  Santino gets stopped by running into the Harritaining Wall.  (OK, they cant all be gold.)  Nexus takes the advantage and its amazing to think last night people thought this guy was about to win the Rumble.  The sooner WWE renames Harris and McGillicutty into Rotunda and Hennig, the sooner they will be over with the crowd.  What the hell?!  Santino actually picks up the pin on Husky after hitting him with the Cobra?!  This is the most ridiculous unthreatening  over move since the Worm. Randy Orton rushes down and deals out RKOs to Nexus.  King asks if Randy is hearing voices.  Yes King he is.  Also, Nexus is one and unstoppable, Edge wants a chance to feel alive and Cena goes ohhhhhhhh shab-a-do!  Or however his music starts.  Orton is about to lay down the Punt on Husky, but Punk interupts and tries to save his charge from being, um, charged.  Husky takes too long to not attempt at all to get out of the way.  Orton Punts him anyways, and the revolving door of Nexus continues.  Maybe this will explain Michael Tarver’s return.  Orton runs away and poses in the crowd, you know, like all conquering generals.

Ted DiBiase wants Lawler’s spot in tonight’s match.  Michael Cole tries to backhand compliment, front hand insult Lawler.  Jerry stands up and cuts a better promo than the majority of the roster.  Lawler wants to start his first road to WrestleMania tonight.  Maryse and  an unknown older woman who’s had work done exchange slaps.  Oh my bad, thats the King.  Who then returns the big open palm to Ted.  Actually, on the replay that was a fantastic punch by the King.  Knocked Ted on his ass faster than his lack of push.

WWE plays their 2-21-11 promo.  How can anyone think this is anything other than the Undertaker returning.  Would be shocked if its anything else.

Tyson Kidd vs. Daniel Bryan (US champion, with Gail Kim)

Kidd gets no introduction, Bryan barely gets one, the Bella Twins are at the announce table, and two wrestlers (three if you count Gail) who can actually wrestle competitive, amazing, potentially 5 star matches, are shit on in favor of getting the Bellas over.  I don’t even know if its to get them over as faces or heels.  Bryan wins, but I missed it because the Bellas sap all my interest in watching Raw away.  The twins fight with Gail, and this is the one and only feud for Raw’s secondary title.

Fuck, someone pointed out the 2-21-11 thing could be Sting.  Now I am curious.

Edge (WWE World Champion) vs. The Miz (WWE Champion)

Not expecting much of anything from this match.  No title change, no feud progression, just a time filler.  Miz wrestles a smart match and works over Edge’s arm with an emphasis towards story.  However, with Del Rio’s armbar becoming such a signature and devastating move, has the time come where no other Superstars should apply a similar looking armbar?  John Cena appears in the crowd and this distracts Miz long enough for Edge to hit a Spear for the pin. Your Raw champion ladies and gentlemen!  Edge waves to his buddy Cena?  Edge has one buddy, his penis.  Michael Cole tries to order around his man bitches, to no avail.  Why cant announcers be announcers, and that’s that?

Stone Cole Steve Austin will be the host of Tough Enough.  Cole calls it the first reality show, and numerous press clips from IGN and AOL among others are shown.  It did debut in 2001, and Survivor only beats it by a year.  Also not relevant since 2001, AOL.

Eve (Divas champion) and Natalya vs. LayCool

Because LayCool isn’t annoying enough, a backstage pep talk between the two is shown while they are walking to the ring.  LayCool isn’t just annoying, they’re painfully annoying.  for the sakes of their significants I hope they are amazing fucks.  The ref gets confused, McCool kicks in the side of Eve’s face, and Layla pulls a Buff Blockbuster out of the Best of WCW DVD for the pin.

Mark Henry and The Great Khali vs. The Usos

What. The. Fuck. Is. This?  Oh good, a GM Email, this can only get better.  The GM changes this to a dance off.  The sign on the marquee says wrestling!!!  Never before have brothers danced so well in an aggressive setting since Rex and Rod Reynolds in Rad.  Usos try to attack their much MUCH bigger opponents.  That was a huge waste of time.

The Chaperone commercial.  Fast Forward button is my friend.

Raw Rumble begins.  John Morrison and King Sheamus are the first two men.  Nothing of note happens before the third man, John Cena, comes out.  CM Punk is next.  I’m expecting all seven men to  be in before a single one is eliminated. R-Truth comes out fifth.  Morrison and Truth almost eliminate each other.  Morrison skins the cat for the save.  Truth bungles the cat for the pitiful collapse back into the ring.  Guess Truth needs to work a little more time for P90X into his day.  Work on that upper body some more, that’s what’s up.  Jerry Lawler is out next, and he truly deserves this more than anyone else in the ring.  Randy Orton is the final man and Punk dives under the ring to hide from the Viper.  Orton finds him, they brawl for a bit and Randy eliminates Punk from the match.  Not surprising, but what was is seeing Truth take advantage of Orton’s rage and push Orton out while he’s distracted by Punk’s removal.  Possibly the greatest move in Truth’s career.

Morrison and Lawler double team to eliminate Truth.  Meanwhile, the much stronger former champions Sheamus and Cena battle each other.  Not the best logic by the B team.  Cena lifts John and Truth onto his shoulders and eliminates Truth while Morrison hangs on yet again.  John and John battle it out on the apron.  Sheamus attempts to eliminate both of them only to end up in the apron battle as well.  This would be an amazing time for Lawler to run over and get rid of his three remaining enemies, but no.  Speaking of upper body strength, Morrison becomes the star of battle royals when he hangs on by his shins and ankles to the bottom rope, saving himself from an exit.  JoMo hangs on yet again!  His work is insane tonight, and on the Road to WrestleMania also my pick for Money in the Bank.  And with that note Morrison gets eliminated.  Sheamus pushes Lawler into Cena, which eliminates John.  Sheamus then charges at Lawler and Cena drops the rope, letting Sheamus fall out.  Jerry Lawler won!  Lawler is in the main event for the WWE Title at the Elimination Chamber!

Every wrestling fan of the last 20 years wants to see this.  Don’t screw this up WWE.  Give the King what he so richly deserves.