I haven’t watched TNA in almost two months.  But in an attempt to watch all wrestling in 2011, I’m preparing now by watching and reviewing as many shows as possible.  Let’s begin.

Highlights of last Sunday’s Final Resolution PPV start the show.  Which is good because I don’t have a clue what’s going on.  I do know that Jeff Hardy is only able to do two things:  have title reigns in the winter, and show off a terrible sense of fashion.

Eric Bischoff tries to rally Immortal.  They need title belts to have power.  Bischoff fears Dixie Carter’s lawsuits.  Very difficult to feel sympathy for Immortal with Eric Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett, half of who is in charge of TNA, on the same team.  Rhino comes in asking for a contract.  Bischoff tells him to go to hell and Immortal beats up Rhino for a bit.

Immortal comes out to the ring.  Never hearing this theme music before is a moment I would like to get back to.  Sounds like it was created in 5 minutes in Garage Band.  That’s being generous.  Bischoff introduces the “anti Christ of professional wrestling”, Jeff Hardy.  Are you kidding me?  Hardy comes out to his self created terrible music.  Its upsetting because Hardy might believe his own hype.  Fans hold up “Jeff Hardy sucks” signs which look to be created in the minute it took Hardy to come out.  Still more time than was spent on Fortune’s theme music.  Bischoff wants Hardy to face great competition, and asks Matt Morgan to come out.  Bischoff says, “Matt, there’s no need for a pipe.”  Please tell Hardy that.  Morgan’s ring music is horrible too.  Bischoff says “TNA is about fairplay”.  Not another Survivor alumni in TNA, please no.  Bischoff spins the Final Resolution main event results and blames Mr Anderson for Morgan’s loss.  Bischoff wants a match between Morgan and Anderson for the number one contender spot.  Anderson is still medically unable to wrestle due to a concussion.  Anderson has been given more time off for his story line concussion to heal than legions of other wrestlers have been given for their legitimate head injuries.

The opening video for TNA Impact features nothing but Immortal and Dixie Carter.  Oh good, glad to see anyone in any other story matters in TNA.

Brother Ray cuts a promo saying he was the star of Team 3D and that anyone could be Devon.  Random black guy says “oh my brother testify”.  Remember wrestling fans, only white men are individuals in wrestling.  Oh look, Knockouts news.  Hamada apparently can’t get a green card and thus she and Taylor Wilde are stripped of the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Titles.  Not that anyone remembered these titles exist.

Team 3D, consisting of Brother Ray and Fake Brother Devon (to be played by Glenn Jacobs) vs. Ink Inc.

First match takes place 20 minutes into the show.  Fake Devon is one of the students at Team 3D’s wrestling school.  The fans continue to show off terrible signs, as the DILLIGAF sign is written in two opposite directions.  Ray shouts out instructions to Devon II.  TNA-NXT coming soon to SpikeTV!  Brother Ray and Dev-non hit Team 3D’s signature moves.  Shannon Moore hits Moore-gasm on Brother ‘Non and Jesse Neal pins the Devonganger.  Brother Ray boots Devon squared right in the back of the head.  The real Brother Devon comes out to new nondescript theme music and scares off Ray.  Ray tries to hide behind So Cal Val.  Brother Ray may have trouble hiding behind Dusty Rhodes.

Tara, the first MILF of TNA, warms up her singing and her libido with Generation Me.  There’s a Lisa Ann movie very similar to this.

Matt Morgan is searching for Ken Anderson.  Christy Hemme has not seen him because Anderson does not exist on her Blackberry screen.

Tara, with backup dancers Generation Me, pretends to sing her theme song.  What would have been the first original theme music of the night is ruined by this performance.  Tara’s guitar players shall be called Randy Rocky Roads.  Mickie James comes out to put a stop to Tara’s tribute to her boss’s rendition of “Alone with My Baby Tonight”.  Eric Young fends off Generation Me allowing Tara and Mickie to catfight through the Impact Zone.  Security finally separates them.  Mickie challenges Tara to a steel cage match… tonight!  To continue talking about theme music, “Hardcore Country” is awful, but compared to the non music that is most TNA theme music, its a top 10 single.

Beer Money Inc gives a pep talk to TNA heel security.  Wouldn’t they be wrestlers by now?

Jeff Jarrett talks about his MMA career.  The Double J Double MMA challenge.  45 minutes into the show, and this line is the greatest thing so far.

TNA heel security members Gunnar and Murphy (last names?) vs. the Motor City Machine Guns (TNA Tag Team Champions).

Beer Money Inc join the commentators table during the match.  The heel security guys were better when they were called Deuce and Domino.  Not them?  No charisma, black pants, undeserved push, used for squash matches — seems like the greasers.  (All apologies to Cliff Compton who is a very underrated talent.)  The Guns use the security’s police nightsticks on Gunnar and Murphy.  They lose the match by DQ but send a message to Beer Money.  Match was fine for what it was, set up for future matches.

Angelina Love and Velvet Sky talk about hopefully winning the tag titles.  Winter wishes Angelina luck.  This is the first Velvet has seen Winter, even though Angelina has been mentioning her for weeks.  Its much like when the rest of the Sesame Street neighborhood finally met Snuffleupagus.

Matt Morgan and Mr Anderson argue over whether Anderson should wrestle tonight.  Bischoff has said that Anderson will be fired if he doesn’t join Nexus.  Or wrestle Morgan.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Titles Tournament match:  Daffney and Sarita vs. Angelina Love and Velvet Sky.

Has Hamada been seen since winning the tag titles?  Have the tag titles been seen since Hamada won them?  has Daffney been seen since then either?  Last Daffney was seen she was being banged around by Rosie Lottalove.  Who hasn’t been seen in ages either.  Rosie Lottalove should team with NXT reject Aloisia.  Sarita taunts Velvet, no idea why.  Taz keeps referring to the Beautiful People’s “partnership”.  Beautiful People lesbian story line would equal ratings like TNA has never seen.  Bigger than if the Rock showed up.  Triple H appearing in TNA would be overshadowed by Velvet and Angelina applying naked leg scissors.  Angelina hits a move similar to Mr Anderson’s Mic Check (Lights Out) on Daffney for the pin.  Sarita continues to taunt Velvet Sky, saying Velvet could never beat her.

A white casket is being brought to ringside.  Maybe a buried alive match, or some similar Undertaker gimmick.

Much time is wasted on recapping previous episodes.  Its make a sandwich time on Impact!

Somehow a casket is brought out with generic funeral music!  Then the cast of Sister Act 2 the musical comes out and sings… generic gospel music!  Seriously, TNA’s music budget must be 5 cents.  The Pope announces he has been reborn after being put into a casket at Final Resolution.  Good 5 minutes of Pope’s voice while the gospel squad dances.  TNA – This is wrestling?  All of that and no Pope?!  Seriously?  Should have made two sandwiches.

AJ Styles and Abyss argue about something.  Probably over who was supposed to make the sandwich run during that awful Pope segment.

Footage of TNA’s recent Middle East tour.  The I <heart> America rally nearby had more fans.

Douglas Williams (TV Champion) vs. Abyss.

Williams isn’t in Fortune/Immortal anymore?  Was there a fan uprising demanding talented underrated British wrestlers turn face?  Does William Regal know about this?  A turnbuckle pad comes off, and Williams drives Abyss into it then pins Abyss.  Abyss should never be pinned so quickly, and Williams needs more time to get a match going.  AJ attacks Williams and hits a Styles Clash on the stage.  If I thought the stage was metal, like WWE, this would be awesome.  However enough wrestlers have been put through the TNA plywood to deflate any possibility of high expectations.

Jeremy Borash has taken Eric Young to a mysterious place.  They  are at the tallest building in the world, in Dubai.  The thing really is awe inspiring.  Making it the first time that feeling has come out during this episode.

Wait.  Wasn’t Eric Young already on tonight?  At least throw up an “earlier this week” graphic!

Jeff Jarrett comes out to issue his MMA challenge.  The fans chant that Jarrett sold out.  Tough to sell out to a company you founded.  JJ says he’ll pay 100G to anyone who can beat him.  That much money could buy a lot of Hooked on Phonics  tapes to make some proper signs.  In a just world, Awesome Kong would accept this challenge, which is much like her own, to return to TNA.  Random plant is pulled to accept the challenge, Mike from Brooklyn NY.  JJ smacks Mike around until locking on a rear naked choke.  Mike taps out and Jarrett scales to the top of the cage… or ring ropes to celebrate.  Two funny things this week!

Knockouts Steel Cage Match:  Mickie James vs. Tara.

Women in the main event of a prime time wrestling program is a rare thing.  Only done twice in all of WWE history, and probably rare for TNA as well.  Tara rides out through a side entrance on her motorcycle.  Two hot women, who can actually wrestle, and are worldwide known due to their time in WWE, and a steel cage, and a main event?!   TNA must be praying for big ratings on this one.  Its like the IWC’s fantasies were made real.  Not sure if Mickie was going for a super huracanrana or if Tara was going to reverse powerbomb Mickie off the top, but either way the move looks messed up and both women are down.  The cameramen are earning their pay tonight.  This match should be very disturbing, as its rare to see two women in an American wrestling ring in such a violent match.  However, both women are in very flattering ring gear with great camera angles.  Tara injures her elbow and for the fans who haven’t seen how tough she’s been in wrestling with injured knees, Tara still takes every bump with a hurt elbow.  Mickie hits a Thesz press from the top of the cage onto Tara for the pin.  Mickie may have injured her knee, Tara’s elbow is in bad shape, and TNA can be proud of their Knockout division once again.